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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Cos it was pissed off.

Ahhh hahahaha

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't

seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine..."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,

but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to

your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a

sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I

looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You lost an eye just from birdshit:"

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

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probably only a Scot would understand!

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of


"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.

"That's affa dear," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be

wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:

"Shuggie, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"

And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like ah doo."

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?

Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that

there is a lace missing.

"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue

for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle


The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. (think about it!!!)

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"

"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.

"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"

"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives

make a negative -

"Aye right."

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bad ones are always the best...

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it

Why did the guy call his limbless dog Cigarette?

Cause he would sometimes tak him for a drag

ba ba boom tsh

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What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt?


My mum fucking ruined this joke for me yesterday, when someone said it on the radio while we were in the car.

Mum: What did he say? Apricot?

Me: Apricot?!? No, why the hell would it be that?

Mum: Well I don't know, I didn't hear him properly. What was it?

Me: Petit-filous

Mum: ...........

Me: Petit-filous.....Mr T's favourite yoghurt.....petit-filous

Mum: ...........

Me: Petit-filous....Pity the fool

Mum: ...........

Me: Pity the fool mum? Mr T?

Mum: ....Is that a catchphrase or something?

Me: Wha-...YES MUM....Mr T... what the f-

Mum: Well I can't remember, I was your age when the A-Team was on.

Me: I wasn't even born when it was on.

Mum: Well Petit-filous is really fromage-frais anyway, not yoghurt.

I was seriously considering driving straight into a brick wall just to put an end to it.

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. Its after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For 100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the

bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

As the husband puts a gun to the naked mans head, the wife shouts,

'Dont do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the ford focus I gave you.

HE paid for our new jetski.

HE paid for your season ticket for pittodrie.

HE paid for our house at the lake district.

HE paid for our country club membership,

and HE even pays the monthly morgage!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the

husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'Id cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'


Sitting by the window of her convent in Dublin, Sister Maria Teresa opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Maria Teresa smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Maria Teresa," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Maria Teresa was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

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No, I'm not going to get my hopes up again only to have the carrot of negative rep knowledge snatched from out of my grasp once more.

Here, have a joke:

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell,

where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You

are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell

you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who


Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard

Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and

over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a

good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room

full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got

this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break

rocks all day," commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his

arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was

Monica Lewinsky, giving him a blow job, Bush looks in disbelief, and finally says,

"Yeah, I can handle that."

The Devil smiled and said,

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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Guest Motleyal
I'm interested to see if Motleyal could follow in Doby's footsteps and perhaps show us the next colour of negative rep.

Didn't realise it was a popularity contest.

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Right this is the fist gag I've ever told on here, so if this isn't allowed or is too crude I'm sorry if anyone doesn't like it, but I'm sure the Moderators will remove it quick enough.

What do Anal Sex and Spinach have in common?

If you are forced into them as a child, you probably won't like them as an adult.


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I heard today that 6 illegal immigrants where killed in the back of a tesco lorry trying to smuggle there selfs into britain....

A tesco spokesman commented

"Every little helps"

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A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins 35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins 320.

Then he gets the full house and wins 1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting 380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me!" says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"

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I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.

I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.

I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Please give just a small donation of 2 and we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!


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Snafu Comedy Club: Joe Heenan, Leona Irvine, Scott Stewart, Andy Gibson, Alex Aitchinson, Jay Lafferty At Snafu, Aberdeen Tuesday, 1 September 2009 From 8:00pm (doors 7:30pm) Bloody student? 3 quid, otherwise 4 quid

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