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These made me laugh.....

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever,

funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask

me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies

out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to

spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and

says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the

ground with a dick that.big"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I

pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of

the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother

that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her

eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....

they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."

"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her

fucking appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke

hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets..... Ironically, the only toilets big enough to

run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick


How could anyone stoop so low?

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Two Jewish boys walk into Ibrox and ask to buy season tickets. The woman behind the counter asks if they have both been circumcised. They say "yes, of course". She replies, "Sorry, I can't sell you season tickets". They ask why not.

"Because you have to be a complete dick to support Rangers".

Boom tish.

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Guest Exposure @ Lemon Tree
What do you call a Scottish man that's almost home?


I couldn't believe you fuckers told that joke onstage last night.

The gig attendance was increasing right up until that point, then everyone left.

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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

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The teacher asked if anyone in class could use the word incompletely in a sentence?








Johnny stood up and said "When my balls touch my girlfriends asshole, I know I'm in-completely"

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"It was once said that a black man would become president when pigs fly".

Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency ..... Swine Flu

Pigs still don't fly.

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What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt?


*works best when said in Mr T voice

Haha, that's one that definitely works better in person but still good!

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A woman getting out of the shower slips on the wet tiles with her legs going in opposite directions. She hits the ground chuff first and the water causes a vacuum and sticks her to the floor. Upon finding her, her husband asks what's wrong.

"I'm sucked to the floor by my vagina" she says. Her husband replies "Right, I'll go to the shed and get a hammer, if I can smash the tiles underneath you it will break the vacuum and you'll be able to just stand up." After deciding this is the best idea, her husband starts rubbing her boobs.

"What the fuck are you doing, you said you were going for a hammer!"

"I am" he says "but I reckon if I can turn you on I'll be able to slide you into the hall, the tiles are cheaper out there".

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English b****** and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland b******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."


Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad; the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Dermot said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over.

Dermot looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange so he brought Tony in to identify the body. Tony took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

"Well, Paddy had two assholes" said Tony

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes"

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