The Milner Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 Cinderella is now 95 years old.After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.Cinderella said,'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'The fairy godmother replied,'It is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?'Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.The fairy godmother said,'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.For a few eerie moments,Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Milner Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 The love story of Ralph and Edna...Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Milner Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very, very important that these four women don't know each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Milner Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one minute to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you c*nt!' Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b1tch.' I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over. I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad mintonIts been a boring day lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 Its been a boring day lolI wouldn't have guessed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 I didnt want to like the badminton one, but I did and now I feel terrible Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh_Jazz Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. -------------------------------------------A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. ' -------------------------------------------A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Milner Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 I didnt want to like the badminton one, but I did and now I feel terribleit makes me smirk as well as bad as it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonz Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So,to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian sincethere was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other, for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel................ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check up. She said I had to stop masterbating. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 What do you call someone who used to like farming equipment?An Ex-Tractor Fan. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 What was the newspaper headline when William Shatner managed to trick a bunch of carnival workers into believing that he was in fact Captain Kirk and had travelled through time?Billy con carnie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Superb!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Superb!!I can hand on my heart say that I thought that up randomly while reading a menu in the Northern Bar. Nobody else that night seemed to find it funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scootray Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Billie = William, Con = trick, Carnie = carnival worker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Hobo Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Dodgy VideosMy mate was looking for some homoerotic porn from eastern Europe, he could only find some from Prague apparently. I asked him how he was paying for it and he said the Czech was in the male Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 I don't get it:( I'm thickSeriously?!?!?o_O 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monacle, and carrying a septre. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarsk to the gentlemen: "I hope you dont think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"the man replies:" Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish"barman:"So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world"The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charadesbarman:" Not a bad chocie at all if i do say so"The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friendsAfter a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is noteable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautifull woman drapped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.he orders another round which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?""I am indeed" murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties."And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world""Pretty much, yeah""Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round" says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.So he shuffles back to the table and him and his friends have their drinks.Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, untill he cannot contain himself any longer and asks"You found the genie too right?""That's correct" replies the man with an orange for a head."And what did you wish for, if you don't mind me asking?""I wished to have an orange for a head" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monacle, and carrying a septre. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarsk to the gentlemen: "I hope you dont think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"the man replies:" Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish"barman:"So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world"The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charadesbarman:" Not a bad chocie at all if i do say so"The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friendsAfter a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is noteable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautifull woman drapped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.he orders another round which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?""I am indeed" murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties."And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world""Pretty much, yeah""Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round" says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.So he shuffles back to the table and him and his friends have their drinks.Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, untill he cannot contain himself any longer and asks"You found the genie too right?""That's correct" replies the man with an orange for a head."And what did you wish for, if you don't mind me asking?""I wished to have an orange for a head" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 Well, it's more of an anti-joke...But it actually made me laugh quite hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Well, it's more of an anti-joke...But it actually made me laugh quite hard.I fucking greased myself, and Ive no diea why. Nobody in the pub got it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 I fucking greased myself, and Ive no diea why. Nobody in the pub got it.I know, it's beyond deadpan, so not funny that it really is. I found a whole thread full of them on another site I read. Though, that one was clearly stood above the rest on how anti-hilarious it was.Dogs On Acid - The antijoke thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?You can't gargle sand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted July 16, 2009 Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 I got me another defintion on Urban Dictionary. Yas.Urban Dictionary: Depth-ChargeWhile wrist deep within another persons body during the act of fisting, the fister quickly opens and then closes their hand, like a quick heart-beat or a sub-surface mine."Ow! What the fuck was that?""Depth-charge baby!""It felt like my entire body was about to explode!""Totally. SONIC-BOOM!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 What was the newspaper headline when William Shatner managed to trick a bunch of carnival workers into believing that he was in fact Captain Kirk and had travelled through time?Billy con carnie.Adam & Joe do a segment called Made Up Joke Party on their radio show every Saturday morning. The more contrived the better. That one would slay them. Get it in I say... adamandjoe.6music@bbc.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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