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TelecasterSam

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c'mon post some of your jokes, and give us all a laugh!.....

It might be a reflection of my daft sense of humour but this made me laugh....

A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.

The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I

was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda

about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable

spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting

any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the

airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious

characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and

was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and

now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted

for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shte.'

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Guest idol_wild

I was told an amazing sexist joke when I was away recently.

Want to hear it? If not, don't read on...

What is the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'

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Chicken Licken !

One day the primary school teacher was reading the story

of Chicken Licken to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Licken went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused, then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'Well, I think he said:... "Fuck me!! ...a talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

  • Upvote 1

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What's the opposite of a peacock?

A peacunt.

Haha little things amuse me...

What do a fur trapper and a necro have in common?

Both are looking for dead beaver

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Guy walks into Blockbuster and asks for " Slumdog Millionare "

Takes it home and plays it, He then takes it back to Blockbuster

And says to the guy behind the counter " Excuse me M8 this is a

Jade goody Film " Guy says sorry M8 Ah thought u asked for

" Sum Dog with nae Hair "

---

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate

their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession

to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with

him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get

something to eat

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second

time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you

doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to

get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more

time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and

starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole

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I don't know that joke. Someone indulge me?

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

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For Bigbsy:

A frog hops into a bank and jumps up onto the counter. The woman at the counter says "Can I help you?". Her name badge reads "Patricia Whack". The frog says "I'd like to apply for a loan please". The teller says "OK, what's your name?" and the frog says "It's Kermit Jagger". So she fills in the loan form and asks him "Do you have anything to put down as collateral?" and he produces a little white ceramic elephant, that lights up when you pull it's tail.

She's a little bit perplexed by this so she goes to see the manager.

"I've got a frog at my counter asking for a loan. I don't know what to do, he says his name's Kermit Jagger, and all he's got for collateral is this little ceramic elephant. I mean what the hell is this thing anyway?

And the bank manager says....

"It's a knick-knack Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

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A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint of

beer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finished

about half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.

Whilst he was away a massive black woman standing in the corner walked

up to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it,

and walked away again.

When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but after

he'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman,

"Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?"

"Well, you see that massive black woman over there? She farted into

it."

"What?"

"She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks like

she could easily knock seven shades of shit out of me - but that's

what she did."

"Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't say

anything, I will." He got up, went to the massive black woman, and

tapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.

"Yes?"

"Here, you fart in my Whitbread?"

"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson."

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.

I said "Why?"

She said "Because I'm trying to examine you"

>>>>>>>>>>>

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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So I told my girlfriend that I wanted to fuck her between the tits.

She said "How you going to make that feel good for me?"

"Right before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face."

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A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After a while when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' He whispered to the parrot..

'Yea,' the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,? And what's your name?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'Same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.!!'

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A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After a while when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' He whispered to the parrot..

'Yea,' the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,? And what's your name?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'Same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.!!'

Hahahaha!

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