Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted May 25, 2007 Report Share Posted May 25, 2007 A guy's sitting in the pub having a pint, and another guy walks in and smashes him in the back of the head, sending him flying. He's on the deck and says "What the fuck was that for?", to which the other guy says "See that? That was a kendo chop from Korea." So he's thinking aye right, very good, one to you etc. 10 minutes later the other guy comes towards him with a flying kick, knocking him over again. "Aye alright you cunt, what the fuck was that then?", to which the reply was "See that? That was a karate kick from China".By this time, he's had more than enough of this, so he goes to the toilet, and when he comes back, he walks over to the wannabe Bruce Lee, and smashes him over the head, knocking him out cold. Then he says to the barman "See when that cunt wakes up? You can tell him that was a fucking crowbar from B and Q". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted May 25, 2007 Report Share Posted May 25, 2007 And at the risk of incurring moderator wrath:How much does a meal cost in a Portuguese hotel?Your kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stichman Posted May 25, 2007 Report Share Posted May 25, 2007 What's the best thing about screwing twenty-three-year-olds?There's twenty of them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodast Posted May 26, 2007 Report Share Posted May 26, 2007 part 2:What's the best part about screwing 21 year olds?There are twenty of them, and they can't tell anyone... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted May 28, 2007 Report Share Posted May 28, 2007 A Scot Is Drinking In A Southampton Bar.... He getsa call on his cell phone.He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a roundof drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces,his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boyweighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about averageup North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typicalScottish baby boy."Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of"WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar.The bartender says "Say, you're the father of thattypical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth,aren't you?Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We weregonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."The bartender is puzzled & concerned."What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day hewas born."The Scots father takes a slow swig from his OrkneyDark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says,"We had him circumcised". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted May 28, 2007 Report Share Posted May 28, 2007 A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and moreFrustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexualrelationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwearshe had seen in a lingerie shop.One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, asusual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donnedthe crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.She then strolled between her husband and the television andsuggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred."Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preid Posted May 29, 2007 Report Share Posted May 29, 2007 What do you say to a gal with two black eyes?Nothing, you've already told that bitch twice already.------There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said. The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims. Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today". "Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers. She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old". "How did you know?" the boy asked. Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father". -----A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy." The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted May 31, 2007 Report Share Posted May 31, 2007 How do you know if there's a fighter pilot at your party?He'll fucking tell you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preid Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 A samaritian, a lawyer and a priest are on a sinking boat.'Women and children first' cries the samaritian.'What? Fuck them!' shouts the lawyer as he inflates his lifejacket.'Do we have time?' the priest asks. ...I'll get me coat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McGoatski Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 ...I'll get me coatGot my coat first and already left the building..................Knock knock.Who`s there?Not Maddy.sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted June 22, 2007 Report Share Posted June 22, 2007 Knock knock.Who`s there?Not Maddy.sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorryHaha, don't be sorry. Mind you, all the trouble started when her parents nipped out for a bottle of wine, they forgot there was a 4-year-old Madeleine back in the hotel room.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackson Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 A horse walks into a bar,the barman asks, "Why the long face?"to which the horse replies, "I've got AIDS."My Grandad died at Auschwitz......he fell out the watch towercould get me banned butwhat's the difference between Maddie McCann and John Paul II?John Paul II died a virgin uh oh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fast Caz Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 what's the difference between Maddie McCann and John Paul II?John Paul II died a virgin uh ohNICE ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 NICE !Ha ha you had me in fuckin knots last night with these! LOVE the cervical cancer one tho ha ha ha haRight...A guy with Down's Syndrome hires a prostitute - he wants to try a 69 because he's never done one before...They hire a room and she climbs on top of him... just as he's halfway through licking her out she does a fanny fart and he starts cryingProstitute: "What's wrong??"Guy: "I don't want another 68 of those!!"-------What's old, wrinkly and smells of ginger?Fred Astaire's face ------What's funnier than a dead baby?Two dead babies....What's funnier than two dead babies?A dead baby in a clown suit!-------What did the leper say to the prostitute?Keep the tip!--------Two muslim's walk into a barBOOM BOOMYeah I'll prob get roasted for all those jokes but oh well... Some folk just can't take a joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 What's blue and doesn't fit?A dead epileptic*giggles*Aaand...What's black and white and eats like a horse?A zebra(that one's from my "simple" mate ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted June 24, 2007 Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 What's black and white and eats like a horse?A zebra(that one's from my "simple" mate )and it's the most original one there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggylynch Posted June 24, 2007 Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 Michael Barrymore was asked if he was going to do any pantos this year to which he replied "no **ckin' way!" "I did Aladdin last year and I'm still getting stick for it"However, you can't beat a bit of T.C. - R.I.P.‘So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘ I’m not stopping you.’Went to the paper shop - it had blown awayI went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘ I’ve hurt my arm in several places’The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’‘So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘ Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘ It depends where you’re calling from.’I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted June 24, 2007 Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 I bought some HP sauce the other day. Its costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.Aaaaahahahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted June 24, 2007 Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 A bloke walked into a public toilet where he found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied so he entered the other one, closed the door, dropped his trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to him, "Alright mate, how are you doing?'He thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude he replied 'Yeah, not too bad thanks.'After a short pause, he heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to then?'Again he answered, somewhat reluctantly. Unsure what to say he replied 'Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?'He then heard the voice for the third time ....'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psydoll Posted June 25, 2007 Report Share Posted June 25, 2007 Michael Barrymore was asked if he was going to do any pantos this year to which he replied "no **ckin' way!" "I did Aladdin last year and I'm still getting stick for it"However, you can't beat a bit of T.C. - R.I.P.So I rang up a local building firm, I said I want a skip outside my house. He said Im not stopping you.Went to the paper shop - it had blown awayI went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldnt find any.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine. So that was nice.A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said I havent seen you in a long timeThe man replied, I know Ive been illA man walked into the doctors, he said Ive hurt my arm in several placesThe doctor said well dont go there any moreSo I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said Whos speaking please? And a voice said, You are.So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said Is that the local swimming baths? He said It depends where youre calling from.I bought some HP sauce the other day. Its costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.I fully enjoyed that. Legend! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted June 27, 2007 Report Share Posted June 27, 2007 what's the difference between Maddie McCann and John Paul II?John Paul II died a virgin uh ohOuch! Another corker for the collection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted June 29, 2007 Report Share Posted June 29, 2007 What have Madeleine McCann and a submarine got in common?They are both six feet under and full of seamen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lepeep Posted June 29, 2007 Report Share Posted June 29, 2007 What have Madeleine McCann and a submarine got in common?They are both six feet under and full of seamenthat's terrible!A submarine that can only go 6 feet underwater, what a load of shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted June 29, 2007 Report Share Posted June 29, 2007 that's terrible!A submarine that can only go 6 feet underwater, what a load of shite.there's nothing about it ONLY being able to go 6 feet under. It just happens to be there for the purpose of the joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lepeep Posted June 29, 2007 Report Share Posted June 29, 2007 there's nothing about it ONLY being able to go 6 feet under. It just happens to be there for the purpose of the joke.aren't submarines full of submariners too - no seamen?....this joke is sloooowwwwlllllyyyy falling appart, isn't it sir! I bet you feel a fool sir! don't you ! don't you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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