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Guest Jake Wifebeater

Jokes

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Guest Jake Wifebeater

Time for a new joke thread, here goes:

Wee Tommy's visiting his grandparents for the weekend, he's out in the garden, and his grandad says:

"Tommy, see this worm? It just came out of that tiny hole there. Well, I'll give you a tenner if you can pop it back down the same hole it came up out of."

Tommy takes the worm, thinks for a minute and disappears back into the house with it. He comes out half a minute later and effortlessly slots the worm back down the wee hole in the ground. Grandad watches on amazed, then hands Tommy his tenner. Tommy says:

"Actually grandad, I cheated. I put some hairspray on the worm to make it go rigid, so it was no bother to put it back down." Grandad says:

"Hoho, well done lad. You showed a bit of initiative, so you can keep the money anyway, good lad".

Tommy visits his grandparents again the following weekend, and grandad gives him another tenner. Tommy says:

"But grandad, that was last week. You gave me a tenner then for the worm trick, don't you remember?" His grandad says:

"Oh I know that, but this tenner's from your grandma."

And a quickie:

Why do men hold hands with their girlfriends in public?

If they let go then the bitch will start shopping.

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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,

he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other

end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No" she said,

"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde ."

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And some more...

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

What's your name?" she asked.

Lagertits," he replied.`

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An elderly couple are 69-ing.

The man says "I have to stop, it's fucking stinking down here" to which the woman replies "I'm sorry, it's my arthritis"

"You have arthritis in your fanny?" says the man, "no, in my arm" says the woman, "I can't wipe my arse".

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A man is lying in bed finding it hard to sleep, so he gets up and stands by the window and rolls a rollie. He then opens the window and sparks up his rollie.

Two minutes later along comes an elephant, stops outside the jewllery shop across the road, smashes the window with his trunk, sucks up all the jewllery, then fucks off.

Shocked by this the man looks down at his rollie!!

When the police arrive one policeman starts interviewing the man.

"So what did you see?" Asks the cop.

The man not sure wether it was lack off sleep or whatever procedes to explain it to the cop.

"Well this may sound a bit crazy, but an elephant came along, smashed the window, sucked up the jewllery then fucked off!"

A bit concerned the cop asks,

"Was it an Indian Elephant or an African Elephant?"

"How the fuck am i supposed to know that?" Asks the man

"Well" the cop replies "Did it have big ears or small ears?"

To which the man answers

"Fuck knows he was wearing a balaclava"!!!!!!

A quickie

Two fish in a tank, one turns around to the other and say's

"D'you Know how to drive this thing?!?!"

Ah the old yins are the best yins!! No joke thread would be complete without Two fish in a tank!!! :up:

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What's wrapped in tin foil and climbs churches?

The lunch pack of Notre Dame.

What's black and plastic and sails the seven seas?

Binbag the Sailor.

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What's wrapped in tin foil and climbs churches?

The lunch pack of Notre Dame.

What's black and plastic and sails the seven seas?

Binbag the Sailor.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. :up:

What's gray and comes in pints?

An elephant

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Two paedophiles are standing at a corner when a 10 year old girl walks past.

One says to the other, 'She was a looker in her day.....'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought Stevie Wonder a cheesegrater the other day. He said it was the best book he's ever read.

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A little girl walks into the bathroom when her mum is having a shower. The little girl's points to her mums tits and asks: "What are those mummy?" Mum replies "Those are breasts, you will get them when you get older". Girl then points to her mums fanny - little girl asks: "What is all that hair mummy?" Mum replies: " That is public hair again, you will get that when you grow up".

So little girl pops back in 5 mins later and catches her dad taking a piss - little girl asks: "Whats that daddy?". Dad replies " Thats my penis". Confused, the little girl asks: "So when will I get that daddy?". Dad replies "When your mum goes to the bingo".....

I think I'd better stop right there.

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I bought Stevie Wonder a cheesegrater the other day. He said it was the best book he's ever read.

Surely that should be the most violent book he's ever read?

The other ones were good though!

A man and his 5 year old son are having a bath. The young boy points at his dad's crotch: "Daddy, why does your willy look different from mine?"

"Because yours isn't erect, son..."

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can come all over it's face.

A man goes into the family planning clinic and asks for some birth control pills for his 10-year old daughter. "Your 10-year old daughter is sexually active?!" asks the astounded doctor.

"nah, she just lies there like her little brother does"

Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

What's black and eats cunt?

Cervical cancer.

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A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me,

do you haf any widdle wabbits?". The shop keeper's heart melted. He got

down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want a widdle

white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle

bwown one over there?". The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put

her hands on her knees,leaned forward and whispered....... "I don't wealy

fink my pyfon gives a pfuc "

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What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

You don't jizz on an apple before you eat it.

What do you get when you run over one hundred babies with a lawnmower?

An erection

What's red and sits in the corner getting smaller by the minute?

A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

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April fools day

NORTHERN LAUGHS

LIVE COMEDY @ CAFE DRUMMOND

SUNDAY 1ST APRIL

DOORS OPEN 8PM

ENTRY 5 (4 STUDENTS)

VLADIMIR McTAVISH

GRAEME THOMAS

STEVEN DAVIDSON

CARLY BAKER

GUS TAWSE (MC)

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Right, I have a joke for you, if I mess it up, my apollogies but it is nearly 3.30am.

A man gets killed and he goes up to heaven. He meets St Peter at the gates of heaven, St Peter says, "you have been a good man, you may enter heaven." So the man enters heaven and around him there are people dressed in white, flowing gowns, women playing harps and everyone looks happy. He has been in heaven for a few days, when he looks down to hell and sees beautiful semi-naked women, huge barrels of beer and everyone having a great time. So, this man goes to St Peter, "Heaven is great and all but it's not my thing, I rather be down there, in hell having what looks like a great time." So St Peter takes the man down to hell and lets him in. As he walks away, St Peter says to himself, "well what he doesn't know is that it's only the barrels of beer with holes in them!"

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An elderly couple are 69-ing.

The man says "I have to stop, it's fucking stinking down here" to which the woman replies "I'm sorry, it's my arthritis"

"You have arthritis in your fanny?" says the man, "no, in my arm" says the woman, "I can't wipe my arse".

You cunt!

You're fucking fucking claimed!

I was eating my breakfast when I read this!

Fair made me cowk!

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NORTHERN LAUGHS

LIVE COMEDY @ CAFE DRUMMOND

SUNDAY 1ST APRIL

DOORS OPEN 8PM

ENTRY 5 (4 STUDENTS)

VLADIMIR McTAVISH

GRAEME THOMAS

STEVEN DAVIDSON

CARLY BAKER

GUS TAWSE (MC)

erm...I don't get either of those jokes ?(

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Mental Hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving A car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne !"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip? "Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."

That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?" To which Ed replies,

"Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne ".

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A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "250"

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now."

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