Fast Caz Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a tan?A. A tan doesn't dissapear until after the holiday.Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Elvis?A. More people believe Elvis is still alive.Q. What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?A. Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.Q. What have the parents of Madeleine McCann and Rhys Jones got in common?A. They both know where their dead child is buried. - This is possibly the best one i had heard yet !Q. What's dead and not newsworthy?A. Madeleine McCann.Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and the Jews?A. The Jews have some chance of celebrating this Christmas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted October 12, 2007 Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Toastie, you legend... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unbroken Posted October 12, 2007 Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?put it in the microwave till its Bill Withers.hands down one of the funniest jokes i have ever heard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggylynch Posted October 15, 2007 Report Share Posted October 15, 2007 Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there’s no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."That's very good" replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm, let me see..... A blink!" said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.""Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye” That’s a very popular clich? For speed.” He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hardTo beat the speed of light", he said. Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question “After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,Said the Aussie."What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response? "Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie,"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."He got the job... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 16, 2007 Report Share Posted October 16, 2007 What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling ofperfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."---------------------------------------------------------------------Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife islying in bed reading.Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."---------------------------------------------------------------------A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. Heasks, "What are you doing?"She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.I heard prostitutes there get paid$400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her wayout, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing hissuitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm comingtoo, I want to see how you live on $800 a year". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 ahahahhahahahhaa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 Following complaints to the BBC that there are not enough black or pakistani people on television the BBC has decided to show Crimewatch 3 times a week. I phoned the Samaritans the other day and got a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they asked me if I could fly a plane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 A guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor says "I'm sorry mate, but you're going to have to stop masturbating". The guy says "Why's that, doctor?" and the doctor says "Because I'm trying to fucken examine you". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!""Phat Tom analyses..."1. Why would he be driving home from a night of drinking on a regular basis?2. How can he coast into the drive if he turns the engine off, his steering would lock and he would most likely coast straight into an obstacle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 I phoned the Samaritans the other day and got a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they asked me if I could fly a plane. "Phat Tom analyses..."1. How many call centres are there in Pakistan? They're all in India, you racist.2. How many anti-USA Muslim terrorist groups operate in Pakistan? They're all in Afghanistan, you racist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 "Phat Tom analyses..."1. Why would he be driving home from a night of drinking on a regular basis?2. How can he coast into the drive if he turns the engine off, his steering would lock and he would most likely coast straight into an obstacle.1. I thought that myself but I didn't care cos it was a funny joke...2. Maybe he doesn't have a car with power steering? Maybe his driveway is straight? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeinzHines Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 2. How can he coast into the drive if he turns the engine off, his steering would lock and he would most likely coast straight into an obstacle.Only if he removed the keys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 Only if he removed the keys Fuck. 100% true, as I remembered once unlocking my glove compartment mid drive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 "Phat Tom analyses..."1. How many call centres are there in Pakistan? They're all in India, you racist.2. How many anti-USA Muslim terrorist groups operate in Pakistan? They're all in Afghanistan, you racist.Your 'analysis' is less than shite....1. Pakistan Call Centers Marketplace2. Terrorist and Extremist Groups of PakistanPakistani terrorist groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 Your 'analysis' is less than shite....1. Pakistan Call Centers Marketplace2. Terrorist and Extremist Groups of PakistanPakistani terrorist groups. Yeah, those terrorist groups are domestic ya wank fuck, just like I said, they don't plot against the USA. And I will eat my own bollocks if the Samaritans' calls route to Pakistan, where you are correct in stating that there is at least one call centre. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 A guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor says "I'm sorry mate, but you're going to have to stop masturbating". The guy says "Why's that, doctor?" and the doctor says "Because I'm trying to fucken examine you".HAHAHAHAHA love it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 Yeah, those terrorist groups are domestic ya wank fuck, just like I said, they don't plot against the USA.Tom,BBC NEWS | World | South Asia | Al-Qaeda 'rebuilding' in Pakistan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tam o' Shantie Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 Tom,BBC NEWS | World | South Asia | Al-Qaeda 'rebuilding' in Pakistan"Pakistan rejected the comments, which are the most specific on the issue yet." - who you gonna believe, them or George Bush? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 "Afghanistan has welcomed the comments."Haha.But Seriously - "President Hamid Karzai's chief-of-staff, Jawed Ludin, told the BBC that Afghanistan had long maintained that the Islamic militants operated from within Pakistan, and that Mr Negroponte's statement was refreshing in its honesty."Short of actually going and seeing for yourself - is there any way of really knowing? Just cos Bush was wrong about Weapons in Iraq doesn't mean John Negroponte is wrong about this.But isn't this thread about jokes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 HAHAHAHAHA love it!! That username is funny as fuck, I'm nicking it for a Squad title. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 How did the blonde break her leg raking the leaves? She fell out of the treeWhy does George W. Bush keep his fly open? In case he needs to count to 11Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake!Why do so many polish names end in "ski"? because they cant spell tobogganHow do you make German chocolate cake? First, you occupy the kitchen...Hahaha courtesy of Calum's excellent christmas gift (he'll moan he knows them!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?Kermit's undivided attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ 10 Easy Wishes Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 what do you call a fish with no eyes?a fssshh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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