Paulscoconutass Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Two paedos down at the beach, first one says to the other, "excuse me mate, you're in my son".What's the main cause of paedophilia? Sexy KidsWhat's the best thing about shagging kids? Their tiny hands make your cock look massive!What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A rotweiller in a playground.Domino's have just released their emo pizza, it cuts itself.How do you fuck up an emo? Give it a knife.Why did the emo cross the road? His girlfriend dumped him and he wanted to make it evident to the passing traffic.How d'you get a leper out of the bath? With a seive.The pakistan cricket team have split up, they're trying bob-slaying instead.How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Want to post jokes on Aberdeen-music instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?Because his wife's dead.------------------------------------------------What sparkles like a diamond and fits in a young girls ring?Gary Glitter.----------------------------------------------------About the 15 British people captured in Iran: 14 were men, 1 was a woman.Who was reading the map?----------------------------------------------------A man and his wife are involved in an awful car crash but the wife comes off much worse. Her husband offers to give blood as this is her only hope of survival. Thankfully the transfusion goes smoothly and she makes a full recovery however they later go through a terrible divorce in which the husband demands everything he has ever given her back including his blood.The wife reaches down her trousers, pulls out a bloody tampon and throws it at him screaming: "There you are you bastard, I'll pay you monthly". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
french_disko Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Q. What do you get if you cross a pirate and a robot? A. Aaarrrgggh 2 D 2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted April 10, 2007 Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 Q. What do you get if you cross a pirate and a robot? A. Aaarrrgggh 2 D 2.This is the best joke I've read in about a million years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 What do you call a punk with no girlfriend?HomelessHow many punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?Punks don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in squat toilets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 Sexist alert.... Why do woman not know how to ski...?Well, theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan G Posted April 16, 2007 Report Share Posted April 16, 2007 Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?Because his wife's dead.------------------------------------------------What sparkles like a diamond and fits in a young girls ring?Gary Glitter.----------------------------------------------------About the 15 British people captured in Iran: 14 were men, 1 was a woman.Who was reading the map?----------------------------------------------------A man and his wife are involved in an awful car crash but the wife comes off much worse. Her husband offers to give blood as this is her only hope of survival. Thankfully the transfusion goes smoothly and she makes a full recovery however they later go through a terrible divorce in which the husband demands everything he has ever given her back including his blood.The wife reaches down her trousers, pulls out a bloody tampon and throws it at him screaming: "There you are you bastard, I'll pay you monthly".Good stuff!---------------------------------------------------------------What do Kodak and Gary Glitter have in common?They both come in small yellow boxes.---------------------------------------------------------------2 men are driving carelessly through london when they accidentally hit a black kid on a bike. On noticing the boy is dead, they panic and dump him and his bike in the boot of the car. Driving along hastily, it isn't long before they get pulled over by the police. One of the coppers seaches the car, opens the boot and gets straight onto his radio..."Sarge, I've found a nigger's nest. One of them's hatched and he's already nicked a bike."[i'm not racist in the slightest by the way. But jokes that stereotype race are no worse than ones about sexism, dead babies and paedophiles etc] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted April 20, 2007 Report Share Posted April 20, 2007 Here we go:What does Virginia Tech and the North Pole have in common?They are both minus 33 degrees.------------------------------------------------------------------There's a party at the Virginia University tonight.It's free shots for students.------------------------------------------------------------------What was the Korean resposible for the Virginia shootings called?Shu Ting Yanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
we make you music Posted April 20, 2007 Report Share Posted April 20, 2007 So a weegie walks into a bar in Aberdeen.Upon entering he notices a massive jar on the top of the bar filled to the brim with tenners. He quickly summises that there must be about 5 grand in the jar.The weegie asks the Barman 'here pal whit's this jar o money all aboot eh?'.The Barman replies 'Tenner tae play, complete 3 tests and if ye pass them i'll gie ye the lot. If nae then the tenner stays pit in the jar. First test ye huv tae neck that 2 litre bottle o whisky o'er there wi'oot pullin a face. Second ye huv tae gang roon the back o the pub an take a tooth fae oor resident rockweiler. Finally gang upstair and give ma 80 year old mither the night o here life, pleasure her in a way she hus niver felt. Pass all tests and the moneys yours.''No way man, do you think I'm an idiot or something by the way? At's a mugs game so it is' replies the weegie.15 vodka Irn Bru's later on the weegie shouts out 'fine ya bas! I'll dae it, so i will, i'll fuckin take yer money...easy...no bother pal...gimme that fuckin whisky'In one gulp the weegie downs the 2 litres of whisky with tears streaming down his face, yet somehow he manages to keep a face like stone.'mon then...bring on the next fuckin test...'The weegie drags himself out to the back of the pub to confront this vicous child killer of a dog.. For the next 6 hours all that can be heard from outside the pub are the horrifying grunts and squeels of the rottweiler.Finally the weegie stumbles back into the pub and declares 'right then...wheres that fuckin dug...I've got a tooth tae get!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 What part of Popeye never rusts...?The part he dips in Olive Oil! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 What part of Popeye never rusts...?The part he dips in Olive Oil!That's going to be the joke around work today Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A: Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe. Q: What is the title of the new Vietnamese cookbook? A: 100 ways to wok your dog. Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman? A: A Chunk. Have you ever seen the Polish sex manual?: 1) In. 2) Out. 3) Repeat if necessary. Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree? A: Wave at him.Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A Saint Patrick's Day Parade.Q: What's the difference between pizzas and Jews? A: Pizzas don't scream in the oven. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?A: He sold his soul to SantaQ: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?A: He's all right now.Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?A: They take the psycho path.Q: How do you get holy water?A: Boil the hell out of it.Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment.Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?A: Dam.Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?A: Polaroids.Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?A: Cell phones.Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?A: National Dyslexics Association.Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?A: A stick.Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?A: Spoiled milk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 How do you get a pokemon on a bus?pokemon.wait, is that right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 How do you get a pokemon on a bus?pokemon.Wait, is that right?No. "How do you get Pikachu on a bus?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodast Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 What is 50 feet long and smells of piss?The queue for a Daniel O'Donnell concert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 No. "How do you get Pikachu on a bus?"Right. That'll be why people keep calling me a cunt after I say it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Gold Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 JaseyBoi, you are truely unfunny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Whats E.T short for?Because he has small legs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 The prison boxing team were sad to hear that Harold Shipman took his own life."It was a shame, he had a lethal jab". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Larry la Prise, who wrote the hokey cokey, has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Larry la Prise, who wrote the hokey cokey, has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.Haha! That's ace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayeth Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean & empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained.. "Well, doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth...first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We then called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing!"The doctor was shocked. "What, you asked your neighbour??"The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we did, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted May 22, 2007 Report Share Posted May 22, 2007 Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, hecomes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asksthe seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years."Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike isoutside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects itfrom the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.Naturally, they take the bike there.But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have totell you something about my family before we go in.""When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who saysanything during dinner has to do the dishes.""No problem," he says. And in they go.Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stackof dirty dishes.In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, inthe corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinnerprogresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches overand fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabsher, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her, infront of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and hermom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs themom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every whichway right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and herdad is boiling, but still, total silence.All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joeremembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that'senough, Ill do the damn dishes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted May 24, 2007 Report Share Posted May 24, 2007 There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Lucifer Posted May 24, 2007 Report Share Posted May 24, 2007 There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."Bravo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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