Captain America Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 What do you call a pigeon that went on holiday to Aviemore?A skean dhu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?Cos in France, one egg is an oeuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 I took the wife out last night.Only needed two punches...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 I took the wife out last night.Only needed two punches......HAHAHAHA that's an ace one!! HAHAHAHAHA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Why have women got two holes so close together?So you can carry them like a six-pack... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 A zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Billy McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Billy had proudly admitted on many occasions that he would "shag anything". The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Billy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for 500? Billy showed some interest, but only under four conditions:1. "First", Billy said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once again it was agreed.4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the 500" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 My Grandad was pretty ill so we covered him in goose fat and margerine........ he went downhill pretty fast after that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regainedconsciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but youwere in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay,you'll walk again and everything, but..... Somethinghappened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unableto find it.'The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got 9000 ininsurance compensation coming to you, and we have thetechnology now to build you a new willy that will work aswell as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is,it doesn't come cheap. It's 1000 an inch.'The man perks up at this.'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how manyinches you want. But it's something you'd better discusswith your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch onebefore, and you decide to go for a nine incher, shemight be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch onebefore, and you decide only to invest in a five incherthis time, she might be disappointed. So it's importantthat she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comesback the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife ?''I have,' says the man.'And has she helped you in making the decision?''She has,' says the man.'And what is it?' asks the doctor.'We're getting a new kitchen.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatboy Posted January 29, 2008 Report Share Posted January 29, 2008 what do you call a on legged chinese man?Tie Wan Shoe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Jeremy Beadle's family have released details of his funeral arrangements. There will be a private family service followed by a small finger buffet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Jeremy Beadle's family have released details of his funeral arrangements. There will be a private family service followed by a small finger buffet.Thief! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Reports are coming in that Jeremy Beadle did not die of natural causes.He was shot during a game of poker for laying down a dodgy hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Thief!Whoops! Ok, this one hasn't surfaced yet.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted February 4, 2008 Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 A guy walks into a fish and chip shop with a gigantic trout under his arm. He asks behind the counter "Do you do fish-cakes?" The shop worker says they do so he points to the fish and says "Excellent, it's his birthday." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biz Posted February 4, 2008 Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 What day is it?3 guys having a conversation about their sons names...the Englishman says ," My son was born on St Georges day so I named him George ".The Scotsman said, " My loon wis born on St Andrews day so I named him Andrew".The Irish guy said " I was just speaking to my boy Pancake last night " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diarmaid Posted February 5, 2008 Report Share Posted February 5, 2008 How do you make a dead baby float?Two scoops of ice cream, two scoops of dead baby and a pint of coke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emergency72 Posted March 4, 2008 Report Share Posted March 4, 2008 Racist walks into a bar...and gets the cunt kicked out of him...true story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted March 7, 2008 Report Share Posted March 7, 2008 Julian decides that it's time to come out of the closet. He tells his mum why he wears leather shorts, why he likes the Pet Shop Boys, why he's never had a woman and all the rest of it. His mum says "So let me get this right. You suck off other guys, you lick their bollocks and swallow their loads, right?". Julian nods his head. His mum says "Well, each to their own, I guess. But don't you fucking dare moan about my cooking ever again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stichman Posted March 7, 2008 Report Share Posted March 7, 2008 What do anal sex and spinach have in common?If you're forced to have them as a child, you're less likely to enjoy them as an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted April 5, 2008 Report Share Posted April 5, 2008 _____| || O| /I\| / \|-----------BRI_G__DClue: Welsh town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted April 10, 2008 Report Share Posted April 10, 2008 Karen Matthews has been arrested and is in Police custody pending questioning. Nothing to do with her missing daughter, they just want to find out how the fuck she managed to talk five guys into riding her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meg Posted April 12, 2008 Report Share Posted April 12, 2008 _____| || O| /I\| / \|-----------BRI_G__DClue: Welsh town.Karen Matthews has been arrested and is in Police custody pending questioning. Nothing to do with her missing daughter, they just want to find out how the fuck she managed to talk five guys into riding her.By any chance, do you read a certain popular Scottish football forum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 By any chance, do you read a certain popular Scottish football forum? The bugger's never off it, believe me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulscoconutass Posted April 16, 2008 Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 Put some chips on for my tea the other night, went through the house and forgot about them. 20 minutes later I went back to my kitchen and they were gone... last time I ever buy McCann oven chips!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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