Jokes

[Dayeth]

aren't submarines full of submariners too - no seamen?....

this joke is sloooowwwwlllllyyyy falling appart, isn't it sir! I bet you feel a fool sir! don't you ! don't you!

....g' ...d'fff ...YOU are!

[Bowl O' Alpen]

Got a job with the Samaritans last week. Tried to phone in sick yesterday but they talked me out of it...

[Scorge]

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?

A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at once?

A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?

A: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

A: Gonorrhoea.

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

A: Drowns.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?

A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

[Hugh_Jazz]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan through life withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the community college and sign up for some classes." Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?" The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?" "Aye" "Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden." "That's true, I dee huv a Garden." "I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house." "Aye, I dee huv a hoose." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I huv a femily." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!" "And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer." Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic. "Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?" Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?" "No." "Well then, yer a poof."

[Red Neck Man]

I hear the smoking ban isn't going down to well in Glasgow. Apparently a Pakistani man was caught smoking in Glasgow Airport......his name was Sinj Majeep.

[Sam 45]

I hear the smoking ban isn't going down to well in Glasgow. Apparently a Pakistani man was caught smoking in Glasgow Airport......his name was Sinj Majeep.

I hear they named the airport bomber. His name was Sinj Maheed.

I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up

in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot

nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[thegreatcornholio]

I hear the smoking ban isn't going down to well in Glasgow. Apparently a Pakistani man was caught smoking in Glasgow Airport......his name was Sinj Majeep.

In other news.....

Police have named the Glasgow terror attack suspects: driver Singed Majeep and passenger Massif Burntheed will appear in Court tomorrow. They are believed to have been taking part in the Muslim festival of Ramavan.

[WoodyRATM]

jet fuel..

I got sent this earlier, it made me laugh..

John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

John said, "Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!"

Jim says, "Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz. Di ye wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. He says, "Hey, how ye feeling the day?"

John says, "Smashing! Fit about you?"

Jim says, "Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?"

John says , "No that jet fuel is just the dogs bollocks! -- nae hangover,

nethin. We shid dee this mair afen"

Jim says "Aye, well there's jist the one thing."

"Fit's at then?"

"Hiv yi farted yet?"

" Er, - No"

"Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in fuckin Norway!"

[Skubbs]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts

talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,

the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into

having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for

him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on thebar:

a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot

of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue.....salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very

pleasant.

He thinks.........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles

.... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like

consistency hits.

.....At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty

snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to

disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down, he turns to his girlfriend, and says,

"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

My old boss sent me that... charming! ha ha

[Fast Caz]

Whats the difference between a bowling ball and maddi mccann ?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball

swoooop !

[Red Neck Man]

What's pink and smells of holly?...

Ian Huntleys cock.

[Dayeth]

Apparently 8 muslims died on the way to Mecca.

I fucking love the Bingo.

[Chris]

Just a reminder about the posting guidelines you all agree to by using this site:

Material that is or could be construed as pornographic, racist, homophobic, libelous or in bad taste is not acceptable on this web site and will not be tolerated. The web site’s staff will be the sole authority in deciding what does or does not violate this rule.

I understand this is a thread about jokes, which has pretty much saved this thread from interference so far, but some of them are going too far.

Tone them down a bit please guys or the thread will cease to be.

[Fast Caz]

Yeah you may get banned for complete racist jokes implying your racist

pfhhh

[Skubbs]

Wowsers they finally caught on... ha ha how many days banning do you think you'd get Calum for each and every joke you've put up ha ha ha ha ha

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal makes your hole weak!

[Fast Caz]

Wowsers they finally caught on... ha ha how many days banning do you think you'd get Calum for each and every joke you've put up ha ha ha ha ha

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal makes your hole weak!

I'd imagine they would just ban me from the site for good if they actually done some "moderating" o_O swooosh

[Skubbs]

Now, now Calum that kind of post won't earn you any favours...

For one thing your punctuation and grammar are terrible! You know how "they" like to rib people for such weaknesses!

[Fast Caz]

Now, now Calum that kind of post won't earn you any favours...

For one thing your punctuation and grammar are terrible! You know how "they" like to rib people for such weaknesses!

Who are " they " , The Wizards ?

[Fast Caz]

Aw now come on !

[Red Neck Man]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side.

[Chris]

Wowsers they finally caught on... ha ha how many days banning do you think you'd get Calum for each and every joke you've put up ha ha ha ha ha

We caught onto the thread from the start. It's just getting over the top now. Humour gets some leeway but not a total amnesty from the rules.

[lepeep]

Yeah you may get banned for complete racist jokes implying your racist

my racist what?......

god I love cliffhangers.

[Fast Caz]

Hamster , i knew he shouldn't of hung out with those nazi youth kids

[Teabags]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family . . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day

here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him. . . . . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed!!!"

[Guest Savant]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk

calmly stated "You must be single". The woman was a bit startled by

this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,

since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and

saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have

tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos' you're ugly".