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Guest Jake Wifebeater

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Guest Savant

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

_________________________________________________________________

A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious that

someone had recently punched his face.

His pal asked, "What on earth happened to you then?"

The chap replied, "I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in the

face! I was just killing a bit of time in a pub

and my luggage bag was in

the way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar.

He was happy to do this. When I went back to collect it later, this barmaid

was on duty.

All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit me!"

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A man goes to visit his friend in Tory. When he rings the doorbell, his mate's son answers the door with a fag in his mouth, a can of Special Brew in one hand and a hardcore porn mag in the other.

He asks the boy "a'right, is yer Da' in?"

The boy replies "Whit the fuck di you think?"

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

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j

two guys sittin by the pool watchin the swimmers .

"c'mon, 50 quid says i'll beat you to ten lengths" one says.

"you're daft, we're here to socialise,plus you've nae arms or legs" the other says.

"bollocks....GO!!!" and their in the water, game on.

guy with limbs does his length and comes back to find his pal groaning in pain.

"you allright?" he asks

"Aww, what a time to get cramp" he replies.

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Guest Jake Wifebeater

It has recently emerged that Colin McRae had dandruff. They found his Head and Shoulders in a tree...

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

Madeleine McCann's bike.

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two guys sittin by the pool watchin the swimmers .

"c'mon, 50 quid says i'll beat you to ten lengths" one says.

"you're daft, we're here to socialise,plus you've nae arms or legs" the other says.

"bollocks....GO!!!" and their in the water, game on.

guy with limbs does his length and comes back to find his pal groaning in pain.

"you allright?" he asks

"Aww, what a time to get cramp" he replies.

I fucking pissed myself laughing at that one. As did my brother.
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Guest Savant

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say "ass" so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple".

This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet. Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny.

''R is for rats - big FUCKING rats, with twelve-inch cocks!''

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