jokes

[Teabags]

[jester1470]

Jesus. I heard that when Freddy Mercury died. That's how old that is.

That's impressive, Mercury died 3 years before Senna

[Lemonade]

That's impressive, Mercury died 3 years before Senna

Maybe I heard it when Senna died then. Still, that was 15 years ago!

[Lemonade]

That's the closest i've had to a compliment on this site.

cheers.

I've never given you negative rep because I assume from your name that you like Motley Crue, and I also like Motley Crue. That wasn't much of a compliment but it's the best you're going to get from me, probably.

[Le Stu]

I'm actually useful to have around as i can tell that Samsung TVs are not as good at replicating Red than Sony TVs, they appear to be orange and that their greens are unnatural.

Everyone's eyes are different anyways.

Yeah, I suck at orange. I did one of those online tests. I think the Vieras look the most natural, especially skin tones. Those IPS panels are fecking bangin' though.

[Alkaline]

Yeah, I suck at orange. I did one of those online tests. I think the Vieras look the most natural, especially skin tones. Those IPS panels are fecking bangin' though.

Hmmm, i prefer Sonys myself, though the Panas are good also. There is such a gulf between those two and the rest it's unreal!

[Guest droid]

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

leaving from Chicago when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard

that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passenger.'

... Read More

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to

the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said president . 'How about global warming

or universal health care ', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little

pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of

dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The clueless president , visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks

about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming

or universal health care when you don't know sh*t?

[TelecasterSam]

Another tale of "Johnny"

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned

in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children

are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave

early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and

will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would

keep their fucking mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS........... CAN I GO HOME NOW?"

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

Thank you Popbitch:

Two drunken pebbles on the beach having a conversation.

Pebble 1. "Are you married?

Pebble 2. "No I'm shingle".

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?

A: The ultra-sound man

Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?

A: The hip-replacement guy.

Q: What is Grand Master Flash's

favourite website?

A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.

Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?

A: Senor Minge.

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.

When I was little he used to put his

hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.

Q: How do find Will Smith when he's

lost in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints.

[paranoid]

Thank you Popbitch:

Two drunken pebbles on the beach having a conversation.

Pebble 1. "Are you married?

Pebble 2. "No I'm shingle".

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?

A: The ultra-sound man

Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?

A: The hip-replacement guy.

Q: What is Grand Master Flash's

favourite website?

A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.

Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?

A: Senor Minge.

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.

When I was little he used to put his

hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.

Q: How do find Will Smith when he's

lost in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints.

I LOL'd at all of them, have some rep.

[Sue Denim..]

Oh dear.

[TelecasterSam]

Wisdom From Grandpa - -

"It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial rates

and blame it on the cost of living". ???

[JaseyBoi]

Birthdays are good for you...The more you have the longer you live.

[Shaki]

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?

A: The ultra-sound man

Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?

A: The hip-replacement guy.

I am reciting that one out loud on my own to commit it to memory. Friday night

[ca_gere]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose??

Full

[TelecasterSam]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose??

Full

Uuuurrrhhhhhhh !!!

funny though !

[TelecasterSam]

An Aberdonian walks into a bank in Union Street

and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia

on business for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of

security for the loan, so the Aberdonian lad hands over the keys and

documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Aberdonian for using a 120,000 Ferrari ; as collateral against a 5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's

underground garage and parks it there......

Two weeks later, the Aberdonian returns, repays the 5,000 and the

interest, which comes to 15.41.

The loan officer says,

"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this

transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled?

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi

millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow 5,000 ?

The Aberdonian replies:

"Where else in Aberdeen can I park my car

for two weeks for only 15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Aberdonian ....

This is why they survive.....

[TelecasterSam]

That was by far the worst joke in this thread.

sorry.....not actually one of mine..... just thought it was mildly humorous !

[MattJimF]

Well it made me laugh

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

That was by far the worst joke in this thread.

I thought it was alright to be honest.

[Guest]

My girlfriend says that I'm a selfish lover but I think that's bullshit.

Whenever I give her an orgasm I let her choose whether to have it on her face or her tits.

[ben_1903]

My girlfriend says that I'm a selfish lover but I think that's bullshit.

Whenever I give her an orgasm I let her choose whether to have it on her face or her tits.

quality!!!

[Guest]

John W and Ben_1903; The rep button is on the the bottom left. I hold no esteem for verbal praise. Just points.

[TelecasterSam]

Not exactly PC, but funny nonetheless....... (NO offence meant to the Irish)

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

TelecasterSam, you racist bastard.