TelecasterSam Posted March 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Ok..Ok.... three jokes a bit more traditional......Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made a packed lunch, andslipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, andproceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, anddiscovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back intobed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband isout fishing in that?"......................................................................A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was nothappy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; Ilook old, fat and ugly I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'.....................................................................After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for SocialSecurity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licenseto verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left mywallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would haveto go home and come back later..The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing mycurly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proofenough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at theSocial Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gottendisability, too.'........................................................................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 What do you call a lass with no legs in a strawberry field?A jammy cunt.Soz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 5, 2010 Report Share Posted March 5, 2010 How do ginger people make friends?No, seriously. I'm getting lonely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gladstone Posted March 5, 2010 Report Share Posted March 5, 2010 How do ginger people make friends?No, seriously. I'm getting lonely.I love self-depricating ginger jokes....A woman has just given birth in the hospital, the doctor comes through and says he has good news and bad news..."Give me the bad news first, doctor""I'm afraid your baby's ginger""Oh my god, what's the good news?""It was still born"I told my mum that joke once and she laughed out loud. Bitch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 12, 2010 Report Share Posted March 12, 2010 I rang my insurance company to let them know I was going to a bukkake party.They assured me I would be covered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted March 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2010 I rang my insurance company to let them know I was going to a bukkake party.They assured me I would be covered.eeeuugh !!........ (funny though!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted March 26, 2010 Report Share Posted March 26, 2010 A 10 year old Nigerian boy Jonah Umbongo walks 5 miles a day to fetch water in the deadly heat of Africa. Just 2 per day can help teach Jonah to read and write so he can lead a better life..... WARNING. Don't fall for this scam. The Cunt then grows up, moves to England and walks 20 miles a day putting parking tickets on our fucking cars! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Jack Posted March 26, 2010 Report Share Posted March 26, 2010 A 10 year old Nigerian boy Jonah Umbongo walks 5 miles a day to fetch water in the deadly heat of Africa. Just 2 per day can help teach Jonah to read and write so he can lead a better life..... WARNING. Don't fall for this scam. The Cunt then grows up, moves to England and walks 20 miles a day putting parking tickets on our fucking cars!© BNP Jokebook... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted March 26, 2010 Report Share Posted March 26, 2010 nicked it off facebook Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted March 26, 2010 Report Share Posted March 26, 2010 nicked it off facebookOh well, that makes it okay then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted March 26, 2010 Report Share Posted March 26, 2010 Whitefacebook maybe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Oh well, that makes it okay then.In the same way that it's ok for all the other racist, sexist and xenophobic jokes posted in here and in the pictures that make you laugh thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Jack Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 In the same way that it's ok for all the other racist, sexist and xenophobic jokes posted in here and in the pictures that make you laugh thread.They are jokes. Which part of what you posted is a joke? Can you really not see a difference? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 It's only really acceptable to do 'racist' jokes in the style of Bernard Righton. My favourite being:What do you call a black man flying a plane?A pilot, YOU RACIST. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 What did the zen buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 Why do women wear knickers?Cause The Health & Safety at Work Act 1974 states All manholes must be covered when not in use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid Posted April 14, 2010 Report Share Posted April 14, 2010 How many Polish people does it take to cut down a tree? 96 and an aeroplane.What is the difference between my pencil case and Poland?My pencil case has a ruler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted April 15, 2010 Report Share Posted April 15, 2010 Got this in an email today, it amused me.For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:! We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted April 15, 2010 Report Share Posted April 15, 2010 got this in an email today, it amused me.For those that don't know him, major general peter cosgrove is an australian.General cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.In a portion of an abc radio interview between a female broadcaster and general cosgrove who was about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting his military headquarters. Female interviewer:So, general cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?General cosgrove:! We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.Female interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?General cosgrove:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.Female interviewer:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?General cosgrove:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. Female interviewer:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.General cosgrove:Well, ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.fail this shit is older than the interweb! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted April 16, 2010 Report Share Posted April 16, 2010 I just stepped outside and got hit on the head by a lasagna, a sara lee gateaux and a box of fish fingers...Must be the fall out from Iceland.(that's fuckin awful but it's the only one I've heard so far) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RossP Posted April 16, 2010 Report Share Posted April 16, 2010 So a volcano has vomited 1000s of tonnes of carbon into the atmosphere.Now I don't feel so bad about leaving my TV on standby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted April 16, 2010 Report Share Posted April 16, 2010 What does the Polish president have in common with the baby I just fucked?They're both dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Gold Posted April 16, 2010 Report Share Posted April 16, 2010 Terrible sulfurous fumes coming from Iceland. Kerry Katona's return to advertising warmly anticipated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted April 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2010 A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted April 26, 2010 Report Share Posted April 26, 2010 Yes, most of the miracles we mention can easily be explained away by science, thats why we say the line fuck scientists. Their factual findings sometimes explain away the Earths cool mysteries. Part of me wishes they were lying. Part of me doesnt want to know how they really make crop circles. My imagination wants to believe its aliens or somethin.ICPs Violent J, speaking out in defense of the duos controversial anti-science single, Miracles.LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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