Shaki Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 Whats the difference between a duck?One of its legs is both the same. :up:I believe the expression is "LOL"! :up: :up: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick Maverik Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 That's a very good point! But I think you're stereotyping neds there.......Seriously though, no, I don't think I have ever seen a ned with glasses. Perhaps a glasses wearer would be rejected by other neds on account of being a "speccy fucking bam" so would need to seek another social group to belong to.I've seen a couple of neds wearing glasses actually. Hope that clears that myth up. Andy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato?A DICTATORIt took me a while but I got it. And it wasn't worth getting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Neubeatz Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 The U.S. Senate was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during the Presidents speech. A spokesman for the FBI said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Whats the difference between a duck?One of its legs is both the same. :up:Adam and Joe! the book! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Also, your mamas so fat she needs lots of cupboards for all the food she eats Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeinzHines Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 what the fuck...........Its a joke about a ducks genitals as far as i can tell, its not very funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 I figured that as well. Still, thwe wording is baffling me beyond belief. Im actually gonna cry, like I did at Paper Cut-Out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FezMonkey Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Adam and Joe! the book!Aha! That reminds me. I lent this book to trippinoneastereggs over a year ago. Tis rather amusing. GIVE ME IT BACK YOU BASTARD!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaki Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Aha! That reminds me. I lent this book to trippinoneastereggs over a year ago. Tis rather amusing. GIVE ME IT BACK YOU BASTARD!!it's lazy but here's a Tommy Cooper e-mail I keep to cheer me up. Apologies for the >>>>and the >> spaces1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least oneof >them would have seen it.>>2. Phone answering machine message - ..."If you want to buy marijuana,>press the hash key.">>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The >shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.">>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind >any.>>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks aretoo >high.">>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled himin.>>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He>shouted,"'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I>know you can't, I've cut your arms off.">>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.>>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayakand >heat it.>>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van coveredwith >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.>>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc >says "I'll give you some cream to put on it.">>12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" "Thatsounds >like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual.">>13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, isthere >anything you can do for him?" "Well" says the vet, "let's have a lookat >him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks histeeth. >Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Becausehe's >cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy.">>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck upmy >backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start.">>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!>>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.>>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can yougive >me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, gofor >it.'>>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5people >in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or >my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I thinkits >Colin.>>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." Theother >one says "So are you, you fat boy!">>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and >the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other oneoff.>>21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They >left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So thatwas >nice.>>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm inseveral >places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore.">>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when asmall >two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search andrescue >workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number toclimb >as digging continues into the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoodyRATM Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 it's lazy but here's a Tommy Cooper e-mail I keep to cheer me up......long list...bahahahah a few of those made me laugh quite alot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FezMonkey Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 >5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks aretoo >high.">>12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" "Thatsounds >like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual.">13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, isthere >anything you can do for him?" "Well" says the vet, "let's have a lookat >him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks histeeth. >Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Becausehe's >cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."Those ones are personal favourites of mine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Heard this one down the Horse last night, and it had me on the deck. It's quite long, so bear with me:I was down the pub on Sunday night, very quiet, only me and a very old couple sitting at the back. They were fairly tanning through the sherry and reminiscing a bit:"Well Flora, that's 65 years we've been married now and I love you more than ever".I thought "Aw, sweet, who said romance was dead, eh?". The sherry was starting to kick in and it got a bit more risque:"Flora my darling, do you remember when we were courting? We'd come here every weekend and on the way home I'd have you up against the gasworks fence for a quick knee-trembler?" "Oh Henry, how could I forget? It was the only chance we had in those days before we were married."At this point, the barman was practically leaning over the bar to lug in. They continued:"Flora, would you like to recreate the early days? How's about we pay a little visit to the gasworks and remind ourselves how it used to be?" "Henry, you naughty man! Heehee, why not? Let's see if you've still got it, you old tiger!" They left the pub. The barman said to me "Jake, I have GOT to see this! They must be pushing ninety, there's no way this is gonna happen. I'm going to take a look, keep an eye on the bar for 5 minutes for me, help yourself to a pint." Off he went.The barman came back. "Jake, I've never seen anything like it. Right enough, there they were up against the fence and they were going for it like you wouldn't believe! I've never seen anything like it. Fuck, I've gotta find out what their secret is!"10 minutes later, the old couple came back, looking pretty dishevelled. The barman couldn't contain himself any longer:"Excuse me folks, I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying earlier about the gasworks and that. I hope you don't mind, but I had to take a quick look to see for myself and I couldn't believe it. You're amazing! What's your secret?"The old man said "Well son, the thing is, back in those days the fence wasn't electrified." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FezMonkey Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Ha! Genius! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Steve Irwin arrives at the pearly gates and sees St Peter."Crikey," he says, "Look at the wings on you! Massive!"St Peter proceeds to ask him his name, address, date of birth and all that jazz.He punches the data in the heaven computer and suddenly an alarm sounds."Oh dear, Mr Irwin," St Peter says, "It seems we have a problem. Your booking is downstairs not up here.""Crikey!" Steve says again. "Can I ask what for."St Peter shows Steve the read out on the computer screen."No, no, no, no, mate. There's been a mistake," Steve says."Oh and what's that?" St Peter asks."I've mucked around, played with and kissed lots of CROCKS, CROCKS, C-R-O-C-K-S... it should have an a r in it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biz Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Go to Drummonds tonightthere is live comedy, it will be great ,a guy called Gus Tawse is appearing, his observational stuff is great, although his delivery need a litle work,cheers Biz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted October 6, 2006 Report Share Posted October 6, 2006 The Honest MorticianI just got this e-mailed to me just now. I burst out laughing much to my boss's horror. Of course I had one of those fist-in mouths moments when I discoverde he's going to a funeral this afternoon...A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. " There's no charge," he says."No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.So I switched the heads."Apologies to anyone who may find this being "Corpse-ist" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted October 6, 2006 Report Share Posted October 6, 2006 What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?Her arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 minutes of hate Posted October 7, 2006 Report Share Posted October 7, 2006 why does postman pat drive a red van?because he's a cunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh_Jazz Posted October 7, 2006 Report Share Posted October 7, 2006 why does postman pat drive a red van?because he's a cuntwhatever that was supposed to be, it didnt work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted October 7, 2006 Report Share Posted October 7, 2006 How do you turn a duck into a black soul singer?Stick it in the oven until it's Bill Withers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted October 9, 2006 Report Share Posted October 9, 2006 why does postman pat drive a red van?because he's a cuntI heard the same one about Noddy.Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell?Because he's a cunt.I heard that from my mate Paul months ago and was pissing myself laughng because it was absurd. Noddy's a bastard not a cunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted October 9, 2006 Report Share Posted October 9, 2006 Noddy's a bastard not a cuntYeah it was Big Ears that was the cunt out of those two Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest spikefae20dj Posted October 9, 2006 Report Share Posted October 9, 2006 jokesan english man, an irish man and a scots man walk into a strip bar. a dancer comes over and the english man gives her a tenner so she takes her bra off and gives em a dance, the scotsman gives her 20 so she takes off her thong and gives em a jig. She then say's the next to pay me i'll give a wee bit extra thro the back, the irish man asks do u take credit cards, she replies yes, so the irishman goes cha chingwhat's red, small and sit's in the corner getting smaller A baby with a cheese grater(i'm sorry i coul'nt help myself) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_matter Posted October 9, 2006 Report Share Posted October 9, 2006 How do you turn a duck into a black soul singer?Stick it in the oven until it's Bill Withers!I seriously sat and looked at that for facking ages and only got it because my sister put on "lovely day" next door. good een though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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