Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 Why have women got two holes so close together?So you can pick them up and carry them like a six-pack.How do you make a woman come?Who cares?A couple were lying in bed after a good stint of shagging. The girl said "You weren't supposed to stick it up there, that means you're a pervert". The boy said "What the fuck would you know? You're only four". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sludge Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 Saddam Hussain was found guilty and sentenced to be shot..His last request was to name his own firing squad.He chose Lampard,Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards...What do you call 134 guys chasing a black guy?British open Golf Championship.Sophie Ellis Bexter has been found head butted to death in a house of a french footballer.Police think it was murder on Zidane's floor......Steve Irwins sun cream has now been removed from Tescos,Asdas and Boots after it was discovered it dosent protect against harmfull rays.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 i havent fucked a rock.Then you haven't lived. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
threeornothing Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 Paddy O Reilley wins the lottery, and camelot phone him with some news "Hi there Paddy, bit of a problem with our cash flow just now, we can only afford to pay you half the £10 million just now, and the other half next month""Ah no no no" replies Paddy "If you boys are gonna be fuckin' me about, I'll just have me pound back right!"-----------------------After winning the lottery Paddy runs into a bit of a winning streak, so much that he's actually sick of winning everything. Bingos, bandits, casinos, crosswords...everything, just can't stop winning, and he's sick of it. He escapes the country to India and hooks up with a woman there. He gets her back to the hotel and gets her in bed, but the spot on her forehead is putting him off"Don't worry, you can just rub it off" she saysHe scratches off the spot"Of for fuck sake! I've won a car!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 Why did the woman cross the road?Who cares, what the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen?Why have women got smaller feet?So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?Nothing, you've already told her twice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FezMonkey Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 A horse walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and orders a pint of lager. The barman looks at the horse for a second then says "Why the long face?"The horse replies, "I've got testicular cancer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 A man walking along a clifftop spots a wee boy sitting crying at the cliff's edge. The man says "Hey, what's the matter, son?" The boy says "It was terrible, mister. There was a Falkirk Supporter's Club bus driving along, and it suddenly went flying over the edge of the cliff." The man says "I wouldn't be too bothered son, I mean, they were only Falkirk fans." The boy said "You don't understand, mister. There were a couple of empty seats on that bus". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 My dog has no nose....How does it smell?Through the gaping wound where its nose once was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey_sc Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 One of the 'so shit it's good' ones.Duck walks in to a bar, asks the barman - "Got any bread?"Barman replies - "Nah, sorry."Duck leaves.Next day duck comes in again and asks - "Got any bread?"Barman - "No, no bread today either pal, sorry."Duck leaves.Duck comes in the next day - "Got any bread?"Barman - "Look, we don't have any bread, and we never will! OK?!"Duck leaves.Duck comes in the next day - "Got any bread?"Barman, in a fit of rage - "We don't have any bloody bread! If you ask again I'm gonig to nail your beak to the table, got it?!"Duck - "Got any nails."Barman - "no."Duck - "Got any bread?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 A horse walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and orders a pint of lager. The barman looks at the horse for a second then says "Why the long face?"The horse replies, "I've got testicular cancer."Mwahahahaha... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Gold Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of y-fronts. The host enquires what her friend is supposed to be. The man replies:'I'm a premature ejaculation. I came in my pants.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stripey Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 What have Richard Hammond and George Michael got in common?Both have skidmarks on their helmets.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveCrisis Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did a splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get my mate Cobber to help." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B." "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce. What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber."Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said. "Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stripey Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 What's the difference between Steve Irwin and Richard Hammond?About 2 weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam_b Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Me so sorry - a big black guy entered the room in a non-racial stereotypical manner.DZLfucking nanny state - oh look!!! there's some white UK citizen sitting in a racist manner over there.Yeah.....black men with massive penises isn't a racial stereotype.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stripey Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Yeah.....black men with massive penises isn't a racial stereotype....racism is the new black. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Yeah.....black men with massive penises isn't a racial stereotype....Aw gie's peace, min o_O There are Irish, Sexist, Mysoginistic & Paedophilic jokes on here as well - have a go at them instead.Jokes about black men with big tools are as commonplace (and accepted) as ones about Mean Scots, Thick Irish, Dumb Blondes, Greasy Italians and English Penalty Kick Takers.I personally fall into THREE of those demographics (Scots/Italian/Irish) and you don't hear me complaining.Get out of this PC, nanny state kick - honest tae fuck, you cunts really do my head in. You won't lift a finger to help a pensioner in distress, but if anyone should as much as fart in the general direction of an ethnic minority...These people are more alienated than ever, coz middle-class do-gooders are making them feel LESS a part of British society by pussyfooting around them with kids gloves, DEMANDING that they are treated differently, thus setting them up as targets for REAL sick racists fucks, NOT folk like me who'll poke fun at anyone - ESPECIALLY myself Love & PeaceDZL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 what is ET short for?Cos hes got small legs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stripey Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 What have Richard Hammond and Kate Moss got in common?They both got smashed on top gear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam_b Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Get out of this PC, nanny state kick - honest tae fuck, you cunts really do my head in. You won't lift a finger to help a pensioner in distress, but if anyone should as much as fart in the general direction of an ethnic minority...These people are more alienated than ever, coz middle-class do-gooders are making them feel LESS a part of British society by pussyfooting around them with kids gloves, DEMANDING that they are treated differently, thus setting them up as targets for REAL sick racists fucks, NOT folk like me who'll poke fun at anyone - ESPECIALLY myself I think we have a new winner for 'most shite spoken on Aberdeen Music'... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam_b Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 One of the 'so shit it's good' ones.Duck walks in to a bar, asks the barman - "Got any bread?"Barman replies - "Nah, sorry."Duck leaves.Next day duck comes in again and asks - "Got any bread?"Barman - "No, no bread today either pal, sorry."Duck leaves.Duck comes in the next day - "Got any bread?"Barman - "Look, we don't have any bread, and we never will! OK?!"Duck leaves.Duck comes in the next day - "Got any bread?"Barman, in a fit of rage - "We don't have any bloody bread! If you ask again I'm gonig to nail your beak to the table, got it?!"Duck - "Got any nails."Barman - "no."Duck - "Got any bread?"Isn't the duck supposed to go into a Hardware store?You heard that one from Ben eh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 I think we have a new winner for 'most shite spoken on Aberdeen Music'...Yeah YOU Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MKII Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Yeah YOUYou should ask him to disprove the stereotype! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Pel Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 What's Richard Hammond's favourite band?Jet.What do you call a spider with no legs?A Raisin.MY FAVOURITE JOKE EVER:What's brown and sticky?A Stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcsheepie Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner.The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding."The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?""Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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