ben_1903 Posted July 8, 2005 Report Share Posted July 8, 2005 A bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish sausages. The assistant looks at him and says ''Are you Irish''? The bloke says, ''If i asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if i was German? If i asked you for a taco, would you ask me if i was Mexican? Or if i asked for Danish bacon would you ask if i was Danish??'' The assistant says ''well no''. The man says ''So why did you ask me if im Irish because i asked fir Itish sausages?'' The assistant says '' Because your at Homebase.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_beastly_one Posted July 8, 2005 Report Share Posted July 8, 2005 I've told it to death, and it's so shit, but I love this joke.Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?Because a prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smooth_groover Posted July 8, 2005 Report Share Posted July 8, 2005 What do women and KFC have in common?Once you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you're left with is a greasy box to stick your bone into. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam 45 Posted July 8, 2005 Report Share Posted July 8, 2005 Whats the difference between a pile of dead baby's and a porsche???I dont own a porsche Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wishbone G Posted July 8, 2005 Report Share Posted July 8, 2005 How do you fix a womans watch?You dont, theres a perfectly good clock on the cooker(im certain ive posted this joke on A-M before. Ahh, who cares) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 why DID the chicken cross the road? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufus13th Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 I know why the Roman chicken crossed the road......she was afraid someone would caesar... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty-words Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 Keeping in tune with the dead baby one.Whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?i havent fucked a rock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 Keeping in tune with the dead baby one.Whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?i havent fucked a rock.that is sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
succubitch Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 Beckham gets three wishesDavid Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh Spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and United have put him on the transfer market for 10 quid because he's playing shite. As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK, David?" asks Father Christmas. David explains his life is a mess and gets ready to jump... "STOP!" shouts Father Christmas. "I'll grant you three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favor". "That would be top!" says Beckham "Cheers, Father Christmas, thank you, thank you". Father Christmas asks him for his three wishes:1) In the Argentina match I don't kick the Argy but shoot from the freekick and score, and ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and I'm a National hero.2) I marry Posh Spice and live in happiness.3) I'm made best footballer in the world by FIFA and my wages go up to a million a week."OK, I'll grant your three wishes after you've done my little favour" said Father Christmas. " What do I have to" says Beckham. Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over. After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is. "24" replies Beckham "Aren't you a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat, gay Man City fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
succubitch Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day;he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, andasks the sellerhow he kept it in such great condition for 10 years."Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bikeis outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he handsJoe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet herparents. Naturally, they take the bike there.But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I haveto tell you something about my family before we go in.""When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who saysanything during dinner has to do the dishes.""No problem," he says. And in they go.Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a hugestack of dirty dishes.In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinnerprogresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reachesover and fondles her breasts.Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothesoff, throws her on the table, and has sex with her, in front ofher parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, andher mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabsthe mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her everywhich way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furiousand her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daniel Posted July 9, 2005 Report Share Posted July 9, 2005 o mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own postcode code!Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.copied and pasted off some joke website Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biz Posted July 10, 2005 Report Share Posted July 10, 2005 why DID the chicken cross the road?because it was stapled to the baby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest onlynik Posted July 10, 2005 Report Share Posted July 10, 2005 Why did Princess Di cross the road?MomentumWhat do you get if you cross an Aberdeen-Music user and a baboon.A retarded baboon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufus13th Posted July 10, 2005 Report Share Posted July 10, 2005 A little dude storms into the doctor's office and is absolutely furious. "DOCTOR DOCTOR," he shouts, "I'M ONLY 30cm TALL!"The doctor replies, "Calm down, you'll just have to be a little patient!"****************Where does Sadam Hussain keep his wine?In a rack (in Iraq)!****************How does an eskimo build his house?Igloo's it together (he glues it together)!!****************James Bond walks into a bar and places his order.The bartender makes a martini, then takes a dump into the glass and hands it to him.James Bond responds, "I said shaken...not turd!"****************A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!""Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?""Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!""Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?""Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs."Very good," said her embarrassed mother."Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?""No, Honey, it's because you're 25." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benji Posted July 10, 2005 Report Share Posted July 10, 2005 How do you make a door cry??Kick it in the knob.How do you escape from prision?No really, how... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Double Jack Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 that is sick.Agreed. The very idea of someone fucking a rock is disgusting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 What do you call the excess flesh around the vagina.....?...the woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 A guy is in in the public toilets having a wazz, when he hears a commotion - doors bursting open and footsteps racing down the stairs.He turns round to look just a a big black guy bursts in, looking pretty frantic. The big guy takes the next urinal and whips out this massive hose and starts pissing like a power jet washer."Jeezuz", the big black man says, "I just made it" so the guy leans over and says "Could you make me one just like it? It's a fucking beauty!!!"DZL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam_b Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 a big black guy bursts in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegreatcornholio Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with one of the finest looking pair of breasts I've ever seen was there so instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one.The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable, mine was a tongue twister too.I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegreatcornholio Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other."Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting..and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 Me so sorry - a big black guy entered the room in a non-racial stereotypical manner.DZLfucking nanny state - oh look!!! there's some white UK citizen sitting in a racist manner over there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
threeornothing Posted September 25, 2006 Report Share Posted September 25, 2006 It was sad to hear of a couple who recently filed for divorce after 65 years of marriage. The woman was 85 and the man was 92. The clerk just had to ask "why are you wanting divorced now after all this time???!!""Well we've been meaning to do it for years now" the woman replied "but we wanted to wait till the kids were dead" (sounds better told by someone else in person) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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