Teabags Posted May 20, 2010 Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 Guy goes to visit his friend. Rings the doorbell and his friend's 11 year old son answers the door with a can of Tennents in one hand, a fag in his mouth and a porn mag in the other hand."Whit?" says the lad"Eh, is yer Dad in?""The fuck d'you think?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fast Caz Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Women are like slinkys - they're both fairly pointless but it's fun to watch one fall down the stairs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scootray Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Bit of advice for anyone heading to Whitehaven tonight. Take a coat as it's minus 12. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Bit of advice for anyone heading to Whitehaven tonight. Take a coat as it's minus 12.Technically minus 13... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonner Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Bit of advice for anyone heading to Whitehaven tonight. Take a coat as it's minus 12.ooh, thats cold. in both ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fast Caz Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 You should never start a best man speech with "I remember the first time I fucked the bride." Everyone was looking at me with disgust.Still, happiest day of my life seeing my daughter get married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonner Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 You should never start a best man speech with "I remember the first time I fucked the bride." Everyone was looking at me with disgust.Still, happiest day of my life seeing my daughter get married.fantastic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 Derrick Bird would have been in the England World Cup squad if he hadn't killed himself, more shots on target in two hours than Emilie Heskey's had in 14 years.....Robert De Niro. 1976. Taxi Driver. Two Oscars and an Emmy.Derrick Bird. 2010. Taxi Driver. Two Oscars, an Emmy, a James, a David...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Q: Why has an electrician been called in to help with the funeral of the former Stereophonics drummer? A: Because it takes a professional to bury cable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Wirelessly posted (LG-GC900/V10a Obigo/WAP2.0 Profile/MIDP-2.1 Configuration/CLDC-1.1)Q: Why has an electrician been called in to help with the funeral of the former Stereophonics drummer? A: Because it takes a professional to bury cable.That was rubbish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Wirelessly posted (Mozilla/5.0 (iPhone; U; CPU iPhone OS 3_1_3 like Mac OS X; en-us) AppleWebKit/528.18 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/4.0 Mobile/7E18 Safari/528.16)I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over.My wife was not impressed and said, "How about finishing me off now?"So I smothered her with my pillow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Wirelessly posted (Mozilla/5.0 (iPhone; U; CPU iPhone OS 3_1_3 like Mac OS X; en-us) AppleWebKit/528.18 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/4.0 Mobile/7E18 Safari/528.16)As my house mate unlocked the door, he complained, "I'm fed up of being unemployed and I'm fed up with your puns".So I said, "Alicia Keys work". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 What's Rob Green and Michael Jackson got in common?Both have gloves they don't need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted June 22, 2010 Report Share Posted June 22, 2010 All future televised England matches have been moved to the gay adult channel as the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for 90 mins was far too explicit for terrestrial TV. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted June 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 TAKING A WOMAN TO BED At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???According to the U.S. Census Bureau:190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and1 poor bastard is reading a forum post. You hang in there sunshine!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Jack Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 ...You're now barred from this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 I was told this at work today:What is blue and doesn't fit?A dead epileptic.Ho ho. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gypsum_Fantastic Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 A N B GThat's bang out of order 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted July 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. As far as your Nanny goes!, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that, and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night,he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has crapped in his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies,'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Why TelecasterSam, why?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 The last 3 jokes have been the opposite of jokes. Anti jokes. Didn't Sam get banned from this thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 The last 3 jokes have been the opposite of jokes. Anti jokes. Didn't Sam get banned from this thread?HahahaGood joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted July 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Why TelecasterSam, why??sorry Jan, I thought it was quite funny............ Ok Ok! .... I won't post anymore jokes, until I find one a bit less cringeworthy.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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