TelecasterSam Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 c'mon post some of your jokes, and give us all a laugh!.....It might be a reflection of my daft sense of humour but this made me laugh....A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,'Talking Dog for Sale.'He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..'You talk?' he asked.'Yes,' the Lab replied. 'So, what's the story?'The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when Iwas pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Gardaabout my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country tocountry, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no onefigured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuablespies for eight years running.''But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't gettingany younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at theairport to do some undercover security wandering near suspiciouscharacters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings andwas awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, andnow I'm just retired.'The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wantedfor the dog.'Ten euros.' the man said.'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him socheap?''Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shte.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest idol_wild Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 I was told an amazing sexist joke when I was away recently.Want to hear it? If not, don't read on...What is the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?Einstein's cock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davidm Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 i logged in specifically to say that joke is amazing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
french_disko Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 you need to do an American accent for this one - q. What do you call a bear with no paw? a. Rupert the bastard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spiritinthesky Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nev Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 I got the missus a bag and a belt for Valentines day.She was pissed off, but the hoover's fine now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 Why did Lt. Uhura have to have a shower?Because William Shatner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted February 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 Chicken Licken !One day the primary school teacher was reading the storyof Chicken Licken to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Licken went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'The teacher paused, then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'One little girl raised her hand and said, 'Well, I think he said:... "Fuck me!! ...a talking chicken!''The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 What's the opposite of a peacock? A peacunt.Haha little things amuse me...What do a fur trapper and a necro have in common?Both are looking for dead beaver Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 What starts with an 'N', ends in 'R' and you wouldn't want to call a black man?Neighbor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 What starts with an 'N', ends in 'R' and you wouldn't want to call a black man?Neighbor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 From Popbitch, but I had to share:I just brought my epileptic brother a strobe light for his birthday. He's going to have a fit when he sees it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave-IRL Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Guy walks into Blockbuster and asks for " Slumdog Millionare "Takes it home and plays it, He then takes it back to BlockbusterAnd says to the guy behind the counter " Excuse me M8 this is aJade goody Film " Guy says sorry M8 Ah thought u asked for" Sum Dog with nae Hair "---A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummatetheir marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confessionto make, I'm not a virgin.'The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.''Oh yeah? Who was the guy?''Tiger Woods..''Tiger Woods, the golfer?''Yeah.''Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed withhim.'The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.'What are you doing?' asks the wife.The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and getsomething to eat'Tiger wouldn't do that.''Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?''He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a secondtime.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are youdoing?' she asks.The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service toget something to eat.''Tiger wouldn't do that.''Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one moretime.When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone andstarts to dial.The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?''No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 I don't know that joke. Someone indulge me?A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes."I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid."Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry."I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling."Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 For Bigbsy:A frog hops into a bank and jumps up onto the counter. The woman at the counter says "Can I help you?". Her name badge reads "Patricia Whack". The frog says "I'd like to apply for a loan please". The teller says "OK, what's your name?" and the frog says "It's Kermit Jagger". So she fills in the loan form and asks him "Do you have anything to put down as collateral?" and he produces a little white ceramic elephant, that lights up when you pull it's tail.She's a little bit perplexed by this so she goes to see the manager."I've got a frog at my counter asking for a loan. I don't know what to do, he says his name's Kermit Jagger, and all he's got for collateral is this little ceramic elephant. I mean what the hell is this thing anyway?And the bank manager says...."It's a knick-knack Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint ofbeer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finishedabout half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.Whilst he was away a massive black woman standing in the corner walkedup to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it,and walked away again.When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but afterhe'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman,"Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?""Well, you see that massive black woman over there? She farted intoit.""What?""She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks likeshe could easily knock seven shades of shit out of me - but that'swhat she did.""Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't sayanything, I will." He got up, went to the massive black woman, andtapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around."Yes?""Here, you fart in my Whitbread?""No, I'm Tessa Sanderson." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. I said "Why?"She said "Because I'm trying to examine you" >>>>>>>>>>> My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sexytunk Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 Q.What are Jade Goody's kids getting for Easter? A.AdoptedCheers Al! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 So I told my girlfriend that I wanted to fuck her between the tits.She said "How you going to make that feel good for me?""Right before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murrr Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 What do you call Jade Goody in a wedding dress?Shuttlecock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 What childhood game do Germans not play?Follow the leader. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulscoconutass Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 Thank fuck for that. We can all stop pretending there's an economic recession and start giving money to cancer research again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted March 27, 2009 Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 So I told my girlfriend that I wanted to fuck her between the tits.She said "How you going to make that feel good for me?""Right before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face."Good old Doug Stanhope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted April 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2009 A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night.He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After a while when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.Did you say that?' He whispered to the parrot..'Yea,' the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,? And what's your name?''Moses,' replied the bird.'Moses?' the burglar laughed.'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?''Same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.!!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoodyRATM Posted April 2, 2009 Report Share Posted April 2, 2009 A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night.He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After a while when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.Did you say that?' He whispered to the parrot..'Yea,' the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,? And what's your name?''Moses,' replied the bird.'Moses?' the burglar laughed.'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?''Same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.!!'Hahahaha! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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