Guest Savant Posted August 14, 2007 Report Share Posted August 14, 2007 The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!_________________________________________________________________A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious thatsomeone had recently punched his face.His pal asked, "What on earth happened to you then?"The chap replied, "I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in theface! I was just killing a bit of time in a puband my luggage bag was inthe way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar.He was happy to do this. When I went back to collect it later, this barmaidwas on duty.All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted August 15, 2007 Report Share Posted August 15, 2007 A man goes to visit his friend in Tory. When he rings the doorbell, his mate's son answers the door with a fag in his mouth, a can of Special Brew in one hand and a hardcore porn mag in the other. He asks the boy "a'right, is yer Da' in?"The boy replies "Whit the fuck di you think?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted August 30, 2007 Report Share Posted August 30, 2007 This made me LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted August 31, 2007 Report Share Posted August 31, 2007 Why is the bible like a penis?You get it forced down your throat by a priest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biz Posted August 31, 2007 Report Share Posted August 31, 2007 put your money wher your mouth isSunday Drummonds 9 pm ish Des, Gus etc, they will make you think and laugh, cheers Biz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted August 31, 2007 Report Share Posted August 31, 2007 All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit me!"HAHA that's ace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted September 13, 2007 Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Renault have designed a car that claim is so spacious that you can barely notice the kids in the back. They have called it the Renault McCann. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted September 14, 2007 Report Share Posted September 14, 2007 What's Pavarottis wife getting for christmas?A smaller turkey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted September 16, 2007 Report Share Posted September 16, 2007 They've decided that to save on gas, instead of cremating Pavarotti, they're going to microwave him, after all, it's not over until the fat bastard pings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted September 18, 2007 Report Share Posted September 18, 2007 In a recent government survey the question was asked;Do you think all foreign immigrants should be forced to speak English?30% said Yes10% said No60% said "czkfmvke slkaefj oeiuo werot weot" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Neck Man Posted September 19, 2007 Report Share Posted September 19, 2007 Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo.""A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?""I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly."What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?""Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted September 21, 2007 Report Share Posted September 21, 2007 What's the difference between Colin McRae and Gary Glitter?Only two kids went down on Colin McRae's chopper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted September 21, 2007 Report Share Posted September 21, 2007 Whoa!!!! That's bad!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kharn Posted September 21, 2007 Report Share Posted September 21, 2007 What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?Nothing...you already told that bitch twice already! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fast Caz Posted September 21, 2007 Report Share Posted September 21, 2007 Jose Mourinho said he wants to back to Portugal and never be seen in England again. The McCanns have offered to help.What's worse than Michael Jackson putting your kid's to bed ?Letting the McCanns take them on holiday.Jake beat me with the mccrae one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorge Posted September 22, 2007 Report Share Posted September 22, 2007 NEWSFLASH: Foot and mouth has just been found in a Scottish field.Fuck knows where they'll find the rest of Colin McRae.Did you know Colin McRae was a Sheffield United fan? His last words on the blackbox were: 'C'Mon You Blades!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KORESH Posted September 26, 2007 Report Share Posted September 26, 2007 jtwo guys sittin by the pool watchin the swimmers ."c'mon, 50 quid says i'll beat you to ten lengths" one says."you're daft, we're here to socialise,plus you've nae arms or legs" the other says."bollocks....GO!!!" and their in the water, game on.guy with limbs does his length and comes back to find his pal groaning in pain."you allright?" he asks"Aww, what a time to get cramp" he replies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jake Wifebeater Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 It has recently emerged that Colin McRae had dandruff. They found his Head and Shoulders in a tree...What's pink and covered in cobwebs?Madeleine McCann's bike. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fast Caz Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Keep em coming ....what does a cannibal do after he has dumped his girlfriend ?Wipes his arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 two guys sittin by the pool watchin the swimmers ."c'mon, 50 quid says i'll beat you to ten lengths" one says."you're daft, we're here to socialise,plus you've nae arms or legs" the other says."bollocks....GO!!!" and their in the water, game on.guy with limbs does his length and comes back to find his pal groaning in pain."you allright?" he asks"Aww, what a time to get cramp" he replies.I fucking pissed myself laughing at that one. As did my brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Walking down Union Street the other day, I came across a guy selling The Big Issue...."Knock, knock" - I said"Who's there?" - He replied"Are you not supposed to be homeless?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 A baby seal walks into a club. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Savant Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say "ass" so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple".This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet. Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny.''R is for rats - big FUCKING rats, with twelve-inch cocks!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skubbs Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Two pregnant women are sitting together, knitting.The first one says "I hope it's a boy, because I've only got blue wool"The second woman says "I hope it's a spastic, 'cos I've fucked the arms up..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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