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Respect to everyone but UNF are good!

Everybody needs UNF!

It has to be better than hearing a wood depressed though.

I have an AGFW like Teabags does! Also, amusingly, her initials are AG. To give you some context, she is in her early 30s but speaks as though she was raised by grandparents, y’know, like she has a really old way with words. She also volunteers with kids in her spare time, so has this mega-weird way of speaking to you like she’s trying to be your teacher, your mum, your friend and your boss all rolled into one irritating human being. She thinks she knows EVERYTHING but is totally misinformed about a lot of stuff, so I’ve stolen a Homer Simpson-ism for my description of her: a know-nothing know-it-all. I don’t mind stupid people, but stupid people who think they are smart are tragic. She doesn’t seem to have her own opinions, just phrases she’s clearly heard other people say before, but she hasn't listened to what they've followed them up with (eg: me and my boss were talking about the monarchy and how they should do away with it and just have a fictional royal family, because it’d save money but tourists would still come to look at the palaces and things. I said something about waiting for the day when we become a republic and she butted in, “But think about it, would you really want David Cameron as your President?” What does that even mean? I don’t want him as my Prime Minister, what difference would him being President make? She didn’t have an answer for me.) I’m usually really polite to people. Tediously polite. Generally, I have a lot of patience but not with her. I think I may even come across as, god forbid, rude at times. My relationship with her is now basically me just correcting things she comes out with. She is my opposite in every way. Other than gender (I assume), I have yet to find one thing we have in common. It got to the point that once in the break room, she asked what I had for lunch and when I told her it was something with chillies in it and she said, “Oh, I don’t really like spicy food.” I walked out the door sighing and said audibly, “Of course you don’t.” She has a story for everything and you can’t have a conversation with anybody else without her steamrolling all over it to talk about something she’s done or somebody she knows. And she always knows better than you do. Pretty quickly, she’ll go off on such a tangent that everybody has stopped listening. I imagine if I asked her what kind of music she likes, she’d probably say, “I don’t really like music.” She is very vocal in being “one of the lads”, to the point where I don’t think she likes other women much. You know when people sort of give off a Clarkson vibe? She’s like that mixed with Alan Partridge. She does this thing that I’ve noticed a lot of people, mainly older women, in the central belt do, which is when they’re introducing a woman in a story who we aren’t supposed to like, they’ll say, “Then this FEmale comes along” in a really scornful way, as if it’s a dirty word. It’s so weird. She uses the word ‘banter’ a lot and goes on about how great her ‘banter’ with various male family members is and then catches herself out by trying to give an example of some great back-and-forth that she’s had with a cousin or somebody, but can’t think of one quickly enough so it’ll be something along the lines of, “Oh, we REALLY wind each other up. He’s like ‘You’re an idiot.’ And I’m like ‘I know you are, but what am I?’” She’ll tell a story about people she knows and say things like, “So, I was with my cousins. Well, I say cousins but what I really mean is my God-mother’s son and daughter-in-law" so she has this never-ending family tree. Recently she told a story about one of her male cousins, who is the same age as her and isn’t actually her cousin and the great banter they have, constantly winding each other up. She told a story about how when they were both 19, he’d joined the army so she hadn’t seen him for a while but they were reunited at his parents’ place and ended up having a tickle fight. Then his girlfriend, who AGFW had never met before, walked in on them and got understandably weirded out by it. AGFW ended up getting on her high horse about that and was a dick to her, refusing to see the problem and making out that it was a totally normal thing for two grown-ups to be doing. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Danny and his sister have a freakishly close relationship and wrestle. TL;DR: She's the worst and I think Ricky Gervais might have created her. Anyway, I’ve been keeping a draft in my email of dumb stuff she comes out with or just anything I find particularly annoying. Thinking of releasing it as a book. HER: “I made a massive faux-par (sic), did I tell you? Well, you know that meeting yesterday I thought was today?” ME: (No) “Yeah..?” HER: “It turns out it’s tomorrow. I just saw the suggested dates were the 2nd and 3rd but they’ve gone with the 3rd. I’m not having a good day!” (That isn’t a faux-pas. You’ve half-learned how to pronounce faux-pas but don’t know how to use it properly in a sentence.) “I think I might have just put the bat amongst the pigeons.” (I genuinely think she might have just had a slip of the tongue with this one when she tried to talk too fast, because later she also said “I’ve put the cat apung the pigeons.”) “It is rather quite funny. Let’s be honest.” Baba O’Riley had been on the radio for two minutes. Suddenly, she exclaimed, “BAYWATCH!” We blinked in her direction, confused. HER: “It’s the theme from Baywatch.” ME: “It’s The Who.” HER: “I’m pretty sure it is.” ME: “I think you’re thinking of something else...” “That’s definitely FUBAR-d” Another colleague offered me a can of that compressed air with one of those nozzles in case I wanted to clean out my keyboard. Having done this the day before, I declined. ME: “It’s alright.” AGFW: “Ha, you're like ‘Nah, it’s okay’!” (Yep. Yep, I am like that.) My colleague from South Africa told us about a drink from there called Mampoer and how she got to sample some homemade stuff last time she was back home. AGFW: “Is it like that Sunshine stuff?” COLLEAGUE: “I don’t know what that is.” AGFW: “Like, a really strong homemade drink that can make you go blind.” ME: “Moonshine?” AGFW: “Here’s a bit of useless trivia for you – New York City is not in the state of New York.” ME: “Yes it is.” (She had been on Google Maps and looked at it wrongly.) Once she had a Cream Egg at her desk and mentioned that she knew the barcode off by heart. I second-guessed her and hoped that she wouldn't tell a story if I said, "Oh, did you used to work in a shop and would have to look it up as the foil would fold over and the barcode couldn't be read by the machine?" It didn't work. She repeated back what I'd just said in different words, told me about how she goes into shops sometimes and will quote the number to staff members, if she's buying one, before they go to look it up (ugh). She then said, "It's a good bit of useless trivia for pub quizzes." When would that EVER come up in a pub quiz? I asked her this and she tried to back out of it and used the phrase "general knowledge". That isn't general knowledge. That is very specific knowledge. She referred to Bristo Square in Edinburgh, twice, as Bisto Square. BISTO. As in “Aaaah, Bisto” “Dreams are just your unconscious.”

My wife is 13 weeks pregnant with our first little one!

Day 1: Pa says they'll come round with bread soon but it's been 5 hours and we're beginning to not believe him. The baby in the corner won't stop crying. The rags her mum was able to grab before they rounded her up might not be warm enough to make it through the night. We've established a toilet corner, it smells so bad. The weaker among us have already been eaten. What's left of the rest of us will have to wait till sundown to know our fates. Sirens have been wailing all night. I'm cold.

Four months after leaving a dreary, soul-crushing finance job that was eroding my will to live, I've just signed a contract to write about sports for a living. Working from home initially, then moving to Poland (Newcastle) in a couple of months. This is pretty close to a dream job for me. Feeling pretty fuckin' wonderful at the moment.

My Vote goes to the UNF for President!! :o)

UNF are by far the best band ive seen live this year. The energy that they bring to every gig is insane.

Little one arrived right on her due date and both Harper Alice Davies and her mum are well. Big change, but a lot of fun!

So, what you're saying is, we should leave Sandi alone?

For a real London experience - Buy a tailored suit and a bowler hat from Saville row and just walk Around really fast early in the morning with an air of self importance, tutting at tourists. Then clock in to a soul sucking job in finance where you don't do anything of any worth but get really stressed about doing it. Later, stand proudly in the way of everyone at a wine bar where a drink costs more than your hourly wage and talk loudly about your job. Make sure to have way too much to drink so by the time you take your three buses home you're nice and ready to have a cry in front of the bathroom mirror.

Second interview turned out to be a there and then job offer. Yay!

Miso sorry to hear that.

IS THAT FUCKING RIGHT, IS IT?

xx

When I was about 5 or 6 my dad was looking after my sisters and I one night. It was late at night, during a storm and there had been a power cut. We were huddled around a candle in one of the bedrooms. My dad left the room to go get a flashlight and whatnot. He had been away a good 10 minutes so we started shouting after him and were all getting a bit scared but he wasn't replying. We figured he'd gone out to the shed. A few minutes later we heard a sharp bang coming from one of the other bedrooms. We all freaked the fuck out. Then BANG... another one... then another one. Maybe 10 seconds apart, it just kept banging. It stopped after a while so I stuck my head out the door into the pitch dark and once again shouted for my dad. As soon as I did... BANG. I ran back into the bedroom. Silence for a while... then I decided I'd be the brave older brother and went out into the lobby and started tip toeing around the house shouting back to my sisters every few seconds saying there was nothing there. I get to the bedroom where the sound was coming from... slowly creaked open the door and saw two glowing eyes catching the moonlight. I immediately shrieked and legged it back to the bedroom, grabbed my sisters and we all tip toed back into the room to see what the fuck it was... We turned on the light without looking... It was my fucking dad playing a joke on us. He was lobbing marbles into a plastic laundry basket! Prick!

O'Deon Dublin is a fantastic cinema and a fine footballer.

It's... ...filling a Gap there then!!!!!!!

it's called a hijab

Booked my vegas wedding for next year

Slipped into a size 32" waist pair of jeans today, 6 months ago I was wearing 40". Still got a shit load of fat to bust through still though.

Setting up for heavier strings is easy. You should do it yourself. All you need is a crowbar and a reasonably powered circular saw.

latina is feminine. In any case, pointing out a person's ethnicity is always needed when making a point about disposable bags.

You do this on nearly every post. Please write "should have" or "should've". Not of, not fucking of for fuck sake, fucking hell. Learn this and please never do this again.

After all the fake Graham Knight ice bucket challenge videos surfacing on the net over the last couple of weeks I'm delighted to finally have the genuine article!

Complications from concussion... caused by years of being hit on the head by a wooden spoon, I heard. Only Badger knows the truth and tbh his silence on the matter speaks volumes.

Some recent quotes from my AGFW. FTR this person is privately schooled and is now my manager. We need to get on top of the gameball He's a dark fox She's clueless as a breeze The clue is in the pudding You need to delete your history browser. Do you know how to get to your history browser? There's a lot of switching and swatching This is so fustrating (sic), I'm pulling my teeth out You need to have a symbol sign in your password, like an explanation mark The cheques are all over the air I'm afraid your order has been overviewed That's not the problem, the problem is there's a bug on the virus. I deeply apologise on that behalf. It comes from some city in England, Stokeholm or something. It's supposed to be done every Monday, but I think it's fallen through a hoop. We don't need things dripping and drapping on us. They're pulling me around the block I can't say it any more clearer It was just a mistypo. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry for the mistypo. I feel like a talking part at this stage Be careful that doesn't come back on the long foot We were going to do that but unfortunately you beat us to the pulp I think there's an error on the system server There's things that slip through my pipeline He's trying to play the pity party on you. I softblowed that too. Shaun emailed five times and I emailed twice. Thats six emails. It would be nice to have everyone on the same wavepage I'm not a rocket science... lady I have a very irated customer on the phone It disappeared, it just... vamoosed I thought I saw it this morning but i might have been overseeing things They're still just trying to get their feet on gear I couldn't understand his accent, I think he's Pakistanian or something It was an overview and an overlook from that department.

To my absolute delight, I quit my job last week and so my adventures with my AGFW were over before they really began! I’ve asked my pal in the office to keep me updated her unfathomable stupidity so I can report back on here. I sent him a link to this thread because I thought he’d enjoy everyone else’s AGFW stories. I’ll try and encourage him to sign up as a member... Here is my final collection from my draft email folder ‘OH GOD OH GOD, SHUT UP, YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.’ “I’m waiting on a mirage of emails.” She held up her finger to show me a cut, “I papercutted myself. Well, it wasn’t on paper, it was on a tin last night.” “Ugh, I didn’t think this report would take so long to do! Pluck a duck. That’s what I say to that: pluck a duck.” What? On my last day, I decided that I’d challenge her on more of the dumb stuff she comes out with rather than just ignore her. Mainly for the amusement of aforementioned office-mate, but also because usually she says this stuff and people just want her to shut up, so don’t respond and she probably thinks she’s mega clever. Someone mentioned something about the Clangers and she butted in, “Have you seen the new Thunderbirds? It’s rubbish, it’s all CGI!” she kept asking if we’d seen updated versions of old kids’ TV shows. After “Have you seen the new Postman Pat?”, I gave up trying to ignore her and said, “No, I haven’t seen any of these. I am an adult without children.” (She is also an adult without children) “But Postman Pat’s gone all PC!” “Oh, how? Does he no longer spout racial slurs?” “No, Postman Pat never used to swear! But he’s got a kid now! And there’s an Asian family and an Indian family in the square now.” (it's a village, not a square, you idiot.) “What's wrong with that? That’s just reflecting diversity within society.” “But... but he’s got a kid now! It’s gone political correct!” “How is having a kid politically correct?” No answer. When I repeated this story later on it was later pointed out to me, by my dad of all people, that there were always families of different ethnicities in Postman Pat. Also, he always had a son - Julian! Fuck up, AGFW, you don't know what you're talking about! Her catchphrase is “Does that make sense?” and it usually follows something that is not in any way difficult to comprehend. She uses it like punctuation, it’s mental. It’s so frequent that I know there are better examples of it than this, but the only one I can remember from a couple of weeks ago occurred when a colleague was doing a report about some work carried out on a school, “Is St ____’s Primary School the same thing as St ____’s RC School?” I said that I thought so just as it’d be odd for there to be a ‘Saint’ something school and it not be a Catholic School. We resolved it very quickly, basically, but 30 seconds later she said, “I think it is the same school... Does that make sense?” I hate it SO MUCH. We kept saying we’d take a tally of how many times a day she says it but we'd always lose count. For a period of time, because we were sure she’s not aware of saying it, we started responding every single time rather than leaving it as a rhetorical question. “Does that make sense?” “Perfect sense.” “Does that make sense?” “Absolutely.” “Does that make sense?” “Crystal clear.” She still hasn’t realised. As touched upon previously, she thinks she knows everything and has to have her say on every single thing. She never acknowledges when she’s wrong, even when she’s said something with complete conviction that turns out to be bullshit. We’ve got a number of Polish speakers at work, as well as Czech and Slovak, so a while ago (before AGFW started) one of the easier words ‘dobra’ sort of entered everybody’s vocabulary and it began to be commonly used by us all instead of ‘good’ or ‘okay’. One of the fluent Polish speakers was in our office on the phone, acting as translator for a client, and said the word a few times. When she hung up, I said “I’d forgotten about dobra. Great word!” and my colleague asked what it meant. AGFW butts in, “It means thanks.” in such a matter-of-fact tone. IT DOESN'T - STOP SAYING WORDS, YOU DON'T ALWAYS NEED TO SAY WORDS! Apparently she used to work on cruise ships, something she would bring up at least twice a day. A guy at our work goes to Goa for a month every January to escape the depressing Scottish winter and someone in the office mentioned it. "I've been to Goa." she said. We all politely ignored this. She said it again a few minutes later and someone humoured her, "Did you enjoy it?" To which she replied, "Well, I was only there for four hours." THAT ISN'T THE SAME AS SOMEONE GOING TO GOA FOR A MONTH EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS! Then she went to great lengths to explain that she, having worked on ships, has "been round the world twice", implying that she has visited every country. She phrased it exactly like that about four times in one (largely one-sided) conversation. Since then, she has also mentioned a number of places that she hasn't been, thus contradicting the statement. When she learned that I am moving to Canada soon, she HAD to relate it to herself in some way by saying, "I've not been to Canada before, but I've been to America..." then started talking about America. I think a list of places she hasn't been needs to be compiled so that at some point in the future when she says she's been around the world, someone can say, "Oh, how was Canada? Tell me about your adventures in Syria." Again, another time when I mentioned that I was going to New York on holiday, my friend in the office started recommending things he'd done when there because we have very similar interests in a lot of things. AGFW then recommended a bar that she and her workmates on the cruise ships would go to when they went to New York, "There's a great Irish bar that you should go to. I can't remember the name of it, but it's just off Broadway." You know, Broadway, that tiny tiny street... If she wasn't actually an idiot, I'd just think she was a very clever parody of one. My pal from work (MPFW) has been texting me updates of things she says while I'm gone. "Abu Dhabi is nice... I've only been to the airport in Abu Dhabi." Someone else in the building apparently came into our office and asked AGFW how to transfer something from her laptop to another machine using her memory stick. According to MPFW: "She was basking in the glory of being in the limelight. 'It's like riding a bike - once you've done it a few times, it becomes second nature'." USING A MEMORY STICK IS LIKE RIDING A BIKE Christ.

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

The latest addition to the bass stable - a 1975 Gibson Ripper which has been painstakingly restored from a beat up, badly painted, badly defretted hunk of wood: To this: My involvement in this escapade was limited to rough surface prep (sanding, steaming out/filling dings), parts procurement and most of the wiring. Everything else (final surface prep (removing my scratches), the beautiful refinish (which the above picture does no justice to), the rescue of the fingerboard, the refret, the final assembly) was done by my good friend Rich Lewis in BoD. Really happy with how it's turned out.

You haven't even been paid yet! Save all the money you need first. For gods sake learn a life lesson you dopey little fud.

What I do is work out if I can afford something, then I use that information as part of my decision to buy it or not. #lifehacks

I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.

The building I live in has started this awesome book exchange. I don't know how it started but a few weeks ago all of a sudden there was a big box of books just sitting in the lobby and people have been taking one and leaving one ever since. So basically there's a constant supply of free books.

I wouldn't say they raped Chelsea.

I actually forgot completely about Mata and Blind. Oops. You might say it DOESN'T MATA that I was seemingly turning a BLIND EYE to them both.

Suffered some serious bag-gate nonsense today. I ordered some items from Argos' self serve machine (just a bunch of lizzy duke necklaces for a Saturday night out), the machine prompts you at the end to declare how many bags you will need so they can add it on to your total. All fine at this point and I order 4 bags in case I need one for each item, heck I mean 20p and on a business account so I'll claim it back in tax, I'm fucking insane like that. Anyway I get to the pick up point and start shovelling items into my van (these were real big lizzy duke items, solid 9ct plated stuff). And after a couple of trips I had only used one bag. I returned to the counter to get my final item and prepare to leave. Then all hell breaks loose. The woman at the counter starts getting into a panic demanding I take the extra 3 bags I paid for. I really didn't want them and told her to just give them away. She nearly had a nervous breakdown, snatched my receipt and retrieved a manager saying I needed to be refunded 15p. I am getting pretty irate at this point, but I can't leave because she is holding my receipt. As the manager comes over she is getting furious with me, demanding I take a refund. In her anger she makes the error I was waiting for and places down my receipt. I grabbed it, said to her "I've paid for the bags, they are my bags, now just put them in the fucking recycling bin" She claimed this would be illegal! I reiterated I owned the bags, the manager starting pissing himself laughing and I walked out covered in the finest gold plated chain this side of China. Sadly a totally true story, The end. Ps: I won

Pet hate: passing out and getting CPR but the person just not being that into it

I've never liked books with lots of names. I gave up on Lord of the Rings after about 4 pages. The names were really Tolkien their toll.

Smashed it.