Eupraxia Posted August 15, 2014 Report Share Posted August 15, 2014 What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 Woman rings 999 and says "I need an ambulance. I'm gan intae labour, and my waters have just broke!" Dispatcher says "OK madam. Where are you ringing from?"She says "ma fanny tae ma feet" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted August 22, 2014 Report Share Posted August 22, 2014 Woman rings 999 and says "I need an ambulance. I'm gan intae labour, and my waters have just broke!"Dispatcher says "OK madam. Where are you ringing from?"She says "ma fanny tae ma feet"Are these your shoes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eupraxia Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) I was told this joke by a child, so it may not appeal to the few adult posters on this website, but I enjoyed it a lot. Why do squirrels swim on their back? To keep their nuts dry Edited November 4, 2014 by Eupraxia 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eupraxia Posted November 12, 2014 Report Share Posted November 12, 2014 How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis...I mean father...I mean ladder. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted November 12, 2014 Report Share Posted November 12, 2014 Read in the local newspaper that the gangs in the city are now using dogs instead of knives.When I tried that I just ended up with hairy toast. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted November 12, 2014 Report Share Posted November 12, 2014 I went into the bookies earlier, and tripped over. You could say I had a betting slip. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted November 12, 2014 Report Share Posted November 12, 2014 A Glasgow man is stottering down the street steaming and skint, sees a guy tinkering with the engine of his car, asks him 'what's up with it?'... 'Piston Broke' the man replies. 'Aye, same as masel' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted November 15, 2014 Report Share Posted November 15, 2014 I bought a pair of trainers earlier from a drug dealer. They're laced and I keep tripping 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar. The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted March 6, 2015 Report Share Posted March 6, 2015 My wife walked in on me last night and shouted "What the hell are you doing with that white and gold dress?!" I said, "It's not what it looks like!" [/topical] 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brettthain1 Posted March 9, 2015 Report Share Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Wife walks in from the door after a long day, looks around the house in amazement everything's tidied... But remembered waging a bet she'd give her husband the blow if he was to tidy up for once.She creeps into bed thinking about her plan to do the deed now while he is asleep, so she can get it over with without the gloat and smug from her husband.After she finished, she heads across the hallway to the bathroom to clean up... In shock... To find her husband coming out of the shower.'What the fuck are you doing in there!?' She screams, in shock, confusion and disgust.'SHHT!' He replies, 'Have you not checked your phone?... Your brother had an accident and is in our bedroom getting some rest!'. Edited March 9, 2015 by brettthain1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Broonbreed Posted March 9, 2015 Report Share Posted March 9, 2015 That joke is a joke in itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted March 10, 2015 Report Share Posted March 10, 2015 That might be the worst joke I've ever read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Broonbreed Posted March 10, 2015 Report Share Posted March 10, 2015 remembered waging a bet she'd give her husband the blow if he was to tidy up for once. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeinzHines Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 That might be the worst joke I've ever read.You obviously don't get it. She gave her brother a "blow" by mistake, incredible patter with a super snappy punchline. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Best joke I've ever read. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted July 2, 2015 Report Share Posted July 2, 2015 I was going to go see Magic Mike XXL, but I haven't seen the first 29 films yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted April 6, 2016 Report Share Posted April 6, 2016 Mate of mine is a bassist. He got so depressed with the rest of the band ribbing him about his timing, that he threw himself behind a train. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gypsum_Fantastic Posted April 7, 2016 Report Share Posted April 7, 2016 My mate David lost his ID the other night. He's just Dav now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Broonbreed Posted April 7, 2016 Report Share Posted April 7, 2016 Did you hear about the phone that got arrested? He was getting charged but he's off the hook now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted April 7, 2016 Report Share Posted April 7, 2016 On 08/03/2015 at 1:43 AM, brettthain1 said: Wife walks in from the door after a long day, looks around the house in amazement everything's tidied... But remembered waging a bet she'd give her husband the blow if he was to tidy up for once. She creeps into bed thinking about her plan to do the deed now while he is asleep, so she can get it over with without the gloat and smug from her husband. After she finished, she heads across the hallway to the bathroom to clean up... In shock... To find her husband coming out of the shower. 'What the fuck are you doing in there!?' She screams, in shock, confusion and disgust. 'SHHT!' He replies, 'Have you not checked your phone?... Your brother had an accident and is in our bedroom getting some rest!'. This belter from last year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeinzHines Posted April 10, 2016 Report Share Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) On 7 April 2016 at 1:45 PM, Richard Pictures said: This belter from last year. If that anecjoke had a couple of racially motivated slurs sprinkled in, it would be absolutely perfect. (if anecjoke has never been coined, I'm claiming it) (I googled and some other cunts already have it as part of their lexicon, but not attached to something TRULY worthy of its use) Edited April 10, 2016 by HeinzHines Googling to check how smart I am Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Broonbreed Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Did you know this years pantomime is called 'Dictionary'? It's a play on words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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