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TelecasterSam

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

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  • 4 weeks later...

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !

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This was posted on my Facebook today and i thought I should bring it to Nefarious C's attention.

BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO'S

Just had this forwarded to me...................be Careful out there

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends....

...

Here's how the scam works: ...

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn everyone you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better

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  • 3 weeks later...

My friend recently test drove Sean Connery's little run around motor, a Toyota Yaris. Throughout the test drive, my friend was rather nervous as Sean came in the car with him, and - as you know - he's a pretty intense guy. Anyway, the car wasn't what my pal wanted, so after the test drive he nervously piped up: "With all due respect, Mr Connery, the car isn't really what I wanted." Angered, Sean retorted: "Well give me the keys and fuck off." Scared by the giant old man, and probably not thinking straight, my friend raced to Tesco and back, leaving this with Sean's assisstant:

http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=251858574

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm quite enjoying these "latvian jokes" that are doing the rounds just now

 

 

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and son. Can
only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes
or son, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

 

 

 

Two Latvian look at clouds.

One see potato. Other see impossible dream.

Is same cloud.

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I was arrested today after smearing somebody's luggage with Vaseline.

 

Luckily the police dropped the case.


 

 

I wanted to watch the World Origami Championships last night. Unfortunately,

 

it was only available on paper view


 

 

I just got back from A&E, my mate was shot in the face with a starter pistol. 

 

The police think it's race related.


 

and finally

 

A friend just walked up to me and said "A, B, N, G".

 

I replied 'That's bang out of order'

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