MattJimF Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 People are making jokes about the Mayan apocalypse like there's no tomorrrow...Thanks, Captain America. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 People are making jokes about the Mayan apocalypse like there's no tomorrrow...Thanks, Captain America.You son of a... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted December 24, 2012 Report Share Posted December 24, 2012 How many NRA members does it take to change a light bulb?More guns. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Knight Posted December 29, 2012 Report Share Posted December 29, 2012 This was posted on my Facebook today and i thought I should bring it to Nefarious C's attention.BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO'SJust had this forwarded to me...................be Careful out there Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.... ... Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn everyone you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gypsum_Fantastic Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 So Tesco have healthy burgers now, they're low in fat but high in Shergar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gypsum_Fantastic Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Just went to check the date on my Tesco burgers annnnd they're offf! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 I'm sure Tesco won't have them on their shelves furlong either... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest E.C Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 BURGERS: JUST SAY NEIGH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Disgruntled customer: What the fuck? There's horse meat in my?!?!?!Tesco: Why the long face??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphas Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 I had a burger from Tesco. Gave me the trots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HateEvent Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Disgruntled HMV customers unable to use their vouchers in store can now redeem them at Tesco as Horse Meat Vouchers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Knob Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Where do fish keep their money?In the river bank. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moose Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 My friend recently test drove Sean Connery's little run around motor, a Toyota Yaris. Throughout the test drive, my friend was rather nervous as Sean came in the car with him, and - as you know - he's a pretty intense guy. Anyway, the car wasn't what my pal wanted, so after the test drive he nervously piped up: "With all due respect, Mr Connery, the car isn't really what I wanted." Angered, Sean retorted: "Well give me the keys and fuck off." Scared by the giant old man, and probably not thinking straight, my friend raced to Tesco and back, leaving this with Sean's assisstant:http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=251858574 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattJimF Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 At any given time, my urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 I'm quite enjoying these "latvian jokes" that are doing the rounds just now Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and son. Canonly take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoesor son, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. Two Latvian look at clouds.One see potato. Other see impossible dream.Is same cloud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Seems that Oscar Pistorious got the wrong idea when he was told to take out his girlfriend on Valentine's Day. Topical, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ca_gere Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 He's been acquitted. They found footprints. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paime Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Roses are redViolets are gloriousDon't try to surpriseOscar Pistorious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 A horse walks into a bar. The bar man says "Sorry, we don't serve food here". Topical. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Easy Wishes Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 Why are there no painkillers in the rainforest? Because the parrots ate 'em all. Tropical. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted February 16, 2013 Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 I was arrested today after smearing somebody's luggage with Vaseline. Luckily the police dropped the case. I wanted to watch the World Origami Championships last night. Unfortunately, it was only available on paper view I just got back from A&E, my mate was shot in the face with a starter pistol. The police think it's race related. and finally A friend just walked up to me and said "A, B, N, G". I replied 'That's bang out of order' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted February 16, 2013 Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr. Dre 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkaline Posted February 17, 2013 Report Share Posted February 17, 2013 My version of Joda's joke from above: I wanted to watch the World Origami Championships on telly last night. but the channel showing it folded Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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