Pet Hates!

[Le Stu]

I heard she was liquidated following the recession. She now resembles a tramp smoothie.

I found one of those outside my house the other day. Luckily it's been rainy since

[Guest Gladstone]

I once got asked by a woman in Leeds if I could give her 20p for the phone. I thought she was one of the usual ones who loiter the streets asking for change, but then asked me if I wanted a "sexy time" in her car. Turns out she was a hooker, I think. Or just wanted a good banging and to make a phone call. Who knows?

For 20p? That's a great deal.

My best/worst begging story...

Years ago, I was stood at the autobank outside (then) Safeway on King Street, and this woman wearing what looked like gear for a social event, but was clearly pissed approached me and asked for 10p for the phone. I didn't think she was a beggar, and actually gave her 10p. She then asked if I had anymore, to which I said that was all the change I had (an obvious lie, but the realisation just set in that I'd been conned by a jakey into giving her 10p). She then started trying to give me the 10p back, and when I refused she threw it at me and stormed off muttering obscenities under her breath. Ungrateful bitch.

That's the last time I ever parted with cash for a beggar.

I later recognised her wandering around Safeway/King Street all the time begging. I was new to the area when I gave her the 10p and didn't recognise her. She almost always had a tin of special brew. She used to ask for 1.50 for a sandwich all the time. Clearly she wanted a tin of special brew.

[Le Stu]

I once got asked by a woman in Leeds if I could give her 20p for the phone. I thought she was one of the usual ones who loiter the streets asking for change, but then asked me if I wanted a "sexy time" in her car. Turns out she was a hooker, I think. Or just wanted a good banging and to make a phone call. Who knows?

I once got hassled by a quite fit looking bird on George street asking if I could spare her a pound. When I said I couldn't help her, she asked if I was looking for any 'business.'

I walked on. The mind often shuts down in horror in such circumstances, but I wish I'd asked her what she'd give me for a quid....

[Soda Jerk]

It was a trick. If you had money to spare for hooker-love, then she'd have known you were lying, and might have just kicked you in and robbed you.

Crafty ladies.

[Le Stu]

It was a trick. If you had money to spare for hooker-love, then she'd have known you were lying, and might have just kicked you in and robbed you.

Crafty ladies.

I've never understood how one can get robbed by a hooker in high heels and no projectile weaponry. Surely you simple stroll away at a brisk pace?

*and/or kick her in the fanny.

[Soda Jerk]

You not seen the beginning of Robocop 2? That dude gets shitkicked by prozzies.

Plus I always imagined hookers carried knives, or something.

[Lemonade]

I always spot the same few beggars singing the same song while I'm walking to and from work every morning.

One young lad always stops me and asks if I know where a homeless person can get a free meal. When you say "no" he asks for a quid for a hot roll. The last few times I've just started reeling off the names of churches in various locations (some that I just made up) and he always insists he's just tried there.

Remember that old lady that used to stand beside the cemetry on King Street and approach people? Same story every day - "The social used to gie me the exact price o 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru every day. But they've stopped mah money noo so you'll hiv to give me the price of 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru". I actually gave her it once. I was sitting at traffic lights and she came up and knocked on my car window to tell me that story. I gave her a fag as well. She was nuts. I like to think that every day after someone gave her the price of 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru she just went home and smoked her fags and drank her juice in front of the TV. Then just did exactly the same the next day. She was brilliant. Stopping folk on the street is one thing, knocking on car windows, that takes balls.

BTW for those that haven't seen it:

Aberdeen Tramps And Ither Weel Kent Fowk

[Guest Gladstone]

I always spot the same few beggars singing the same song while I'm walking to and from work every morning.

One young lad always stops me and asks if I know where a homeless person can get a free meal. When you say "no" he asks for a quid for a hot roll. The last few times I've just started reeling off the names of churches in various locations (some that I just made up) and he always insists he's just tried there.

Remember that old lady that used to stand beside the cemetry on King Street and approach people? Same story every day - "The social used to gie me the exact price o 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru every day. But they've stopped mah money noo so you'll hiv to give me the price of 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru". I actually gave her it once. I was sitting at traffic lights and she came up and knocked on my car window to tell me that story. I gave her a fag as well She was nuts. I like to think that every day after someone gave her the price of 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru she just went home and smoked her fags and drank her juice in front of the TV. Then just did exactly the same the next day. She was brilliant. Stopping folk on the street is one thing, knocking on car windows, that takes balls.

BTW for those that haven't seen it:

Aberdeen Tramps And Ither Weel Kent Fowk

Irn Bru wifie was our "affectionate" name for her. She was a proper pain in the arse. She would talk at you for about an hour if you let her. She always approached you with a massive smile and said "AYE AYE" then started to give you a massive sob story. After a couple of times I just started smiling and walking past. I was never going to give her any money. My wife used to speak to her though, and found out all sorts of "interesting" facts about her and her love life. No shit. She eventually moved from the home at the top of Merkland Road to some other home and disappeared out of our lives forever...

[His Majesty]

Pet hate...

The numerous people who said '' I thought you'se were on strike!?'' to me today.

Go bless the ignorance of the general public.

[Murrr]

The ridiculous "moving" bookcases on the bottom floor of Aberdeen University's QML.

[Soda Jerk]

I've had that guy asking where the homeless could get a meal. I've always been quite tempted to give him directions to McDonalds. Perhaps even advising him to keep and eye out for the big red and yellow sign and the people crowded outside that look and act just like him, but with better trainers on.

[Bigsby]

Remember that old lady that used to stand beside the cemetry on King Street and approach people? Same story every day - "The social used to gie me the exact price o 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru every day. But they've stopped mah money noo so you'll hiv to give me the price of 20 Mayfair and a can of Irn Bru".

I'd have been more likely to give her cash if she'd asked for some to buy a COPY of Mayfair.

[Shaki]

The best one I ever heard was from one of the older ones:

"Excuse me Sir...I'm going to get straight to the point...I wouldn't mind a bottle of white lightning, can you spare money so I can buy it"

?(

I've encountered this honest man a number of times sitting in the lane to the right of the College Bar.

"Excuse me son, I'm an alcoholic and I need 90p for a bottle of cheap, strong cider. You couldn't help me out could you?"

It's a good policy. He got a quid whereas your average "I need to get the bus to (Aberdeenshire town) because my (relative) is really ill" folk don't even get a response from me.

[Shaki]

I'd have been more likely to give her cash if she'd asked for some to buy a COPY of Mayfair.

...and a DILDO full of Irn Bru

[Guest Gladstone]

A witty mate of mine was approached by a beggar once.

"Excuse me mate do you have a spare 20pence for a cup of coffee?"

"Here's 40. If you can find a cup of coffee that cheap, bring me back a cup."

[Lemonade]

Did anyone ever meet the Glaswegian guy with the big beard? When he first approached you he would ask to shake your hand first and if you were stupid enough to do it he wouldn't let go again until he had some money off you. He fucking stank, and he always wore a woolly jumper which had a bib of his own vomit on it at all times.

"Here pal, you couldnae help us oot could ye? I'm from Glasgow, I'm just up here visiting and I goat fucking mugged last night. I'm just ootay the hoaspital".

At this point he removes his hat and he has a fresh scar on top of his head.

"They took aw ma cash and I need 90p for my bus fare back tae Glasgow"

It just so happened that 90p was the price of a can of Special Brew from the shop on the Castlegate at the time, which I saw him buying many times when I lived on the Castelgate.

I saw that guy going around for years and he always had a fresh scar on the top of his head. I wondered if he was actually splitting his own head open regualrly to make his story more convincing. If that's true it's just really really sad.

[Chris]

Did anyone ever meet the Glaswegian guy with the big beard? When he first approached you he would ask to shake your hand first and if you were stupid enough to do it he wouldn't let go again until he had some money off you. He fucking stank, and he always wore a woolly jumper which had a bib of his own vomit on it at all times.

"Here pal, you couldnae help us oot could ye? I'm from Glasgow, I'm just up here visiting and I goat fucking mugged last night. I'm just ootay the hoaspital".

At this point he removes his hat and he has a fresh scar on top of his head.

"They took aw ma cash and I need 90p for my bus fare back tae Glasgow"

It just so happened that 90p was the price of a can of Special Brew from the shop on the Castlegate at the time, which I saw him buying many times when I lived on the Castelgate.

I saw that guy going around for years and he always had a fresh scar on the top of his head. I wondered if he was actually splitting his own head open regualrly to make his story more convincing. If that's true it's just really really sad.

Aye I had an encounter with him when I lived on George Street. Claimed to have been up for the football the week before and got set upon by a rabid group of casuals and only just got out of hospital. I didn't give him any money though as Aberdeen were playing in Dundee the week before, if you're going to tell a story you should at least get the details right!

[calum]

"I need to get the bus to (Aberdeenshire town) because my (relative) is really ill" folk don't even get a response from me.

Ellon. It's always fucking Ellon. What I particularly enjoy is how they get all indignant and tell me that if I don't believe them I'll have a death on my conscience, not to mention egg on my face.

[Lemonade]

Ellon. It's always fucking Ellon. What I particularly enjoy is how they get all indignant and tell me that if I don't believe them I'll have a death on my conscience, not to mention egg on my face.

Still, better than spunk.

[fatboy]

Did anyone ever meet the Glaswegian guy with the big beard? When he first approached you he would ask to shake your hand first and if you were stupid enough to do it he wouldn't let go again until he had some money off you. He fucking stank, and he always wore a woolly jumper which had a bib of his own vomit on it at all times.

"Here pal, you couldnae help us oot could ye? I'm from Glasgow, I'm just up here visiting and I goat fucking mugged last night. I'm just ootay the hoaspital".

At this point he removes his hat and he has a fresh scar on top of his head.

"They took aw ma cash and I need 90p for my bus fare back tae Glasgow"

It just so happened that 90p was the price of a can of Special Brew from the shop on the Castlegate at the time, which I saw him buying many times when I lived on the Castelgate.

I saw that guy going around for years and he always had a fresh scar on the top of his head. I wondered if he was actually splitting his own head open regualrly to make his story more convincing. If that's true it's just really really sad.

was that the same gadjy that came up to us before the Zombina gig?

[Guest]

My wallet that I got for my 18th, along with my bank card and Student ID seem to be lost in transit. Meaning I have no money. And if I don't obtain them today, I probably won't get them until next week.

Btw, running out of food.

[Diesel]

Biographies

What a waste of fucking paper those are.

Are people's lives so empty that they have to fill the void by reading ghost-written pish about Z-lister celebrities?

Katie & Peter, Peter & Katie, Katie, Peter, Fern, Jade Goody, some slapper who's come 8th X-Factor or got hoofed early doors out of Big Brother, soap "stars", WAGS, 21-year-old footballers.

Saw one in Tesco this morning - Richard Hammond. What the fuck does he have to talk about that you don't already know? "I drive cars you can't afford round a track. Sometimes I cut the roofs of ones you can. I had a really bad accident. Then I got better"

Fuck

Right

Off

[Bigsby]

Biographies

What a waste of fucking paper those are.

Are people's lives so empty that they have to fill the void by reading ghost-written pish about Z-lister celebrities?

Katie & Peter, Peter & Katie, Katie, Peter, Fern, Jade Goody, some slapper who's come 8th X-Factor or got hoofed early doors out of Big Brother, soap "stars", WAGS, 21-year-old footballers.

Saw one in Tesco this morning - Richard Hammond. What the fuck does he have to talk about that you don't already know? "I drive cars you can't afford round a track. Sometimes I cut the roofs of ones you can. I had a really bad accident. Then I got better"

Fuck

Right

Off

Plenty of good biographies though. Picked up this in America for $4.99 last week, looking forward to it, I enjoy reading film and music biographies.

Amazon.com: Making Records: The Scenes Behind the Music (9780786868599): Phil Ramone, Charles L. Granata: Books

[Le Stu]

BiographiesSaw one in Tesco this morning - Richard Hammond. What the fuck does he have to talk about that you don't already know? "I drive cars you can't afford round a track. Sometimes I cut the roofs of ones you can. I had a really bad accident. Then I got better"

To be fair, how I crashed a rocket car and was smashed into a million pieces and glued back together yet still don't look like The Elephant Man is actually worthy compared to the other nonevents on your list.

[Alphas]

My wallet that I got for my 18th, along with my bank card and Student ID seem to be lost in transit. Meaning I have no money. And if I don't obtain them today, I probably won't get them until next week.

Btw, running out of food.

If that's the case, the previous few pages could offer some invaluable advice!