Hugh_Jazz Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Stephen Hawking went out on a date, and was later found with a grazed knees, bruises and a sprained ankle.Rumour has it he was stood up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waste_of_faith Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 dunno if its here al;ready coz im not readin them all just now but.............what do you call cheese that doesnt belong to you????NACHOCHEESE!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 What's the difference between Lily Allen and a MILF?3 months.I've invented a new tool for performig abortions.An Allen KeyWhats Jade Goody doing for xmas?Baby sitting for Lily Allen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh_Jazz Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 What's the difference between Lily Allen and a MILF?3 months.I've invented a new tool for performig abortions.An Allen KeyWhats Jade Goody doing for xmas?Baby sitting for Lily Allen.Sickipedia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 What's red and white and helps with gardening?A sanitary trowel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted November 12, 2010 Report Share Posted November 12, 2010 How did the tiger send his files?He RAR'd them.Why did Adobe Acrobat get arrested?Because the police thought he was a PDF-file 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 I entered a snail racing competition the other day but my snail wasn't doing very well. To speed it up a bit I decided to take of its shell to reduce weight and drag.Unfortunately, it just made my snail more sluggish! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted November 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg, who is very self consious of his disabilities, is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and hiswooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.A few days later he receives a parcel with a short note:Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate......The man is quite offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note......Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part....The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:.....Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Stu Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 I beat my wife up this morning.I rose at 9, she slept until 10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 What's a chicken's favourite football team?KFC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Easy Wishes Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 What's a chicken's favourite football team?KFC.I'm sure they quickly develop a disliking for their team once they're murdered and covered in a secret blend of herbs and spices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stroopy121 Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 Isecret blend of herbs and spices.Chicken, grease, salt.xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waste_of_faith Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 How would Hogwarts handle teen pregnancy?"Foetus Deletus!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 I went for a chinese take-away and the guy behind the counter said "Twenty Pounds Prease"Thinking this was expensive I went to get out my wallet whilst asking the question "Excuse me, do you know the name of Jordan's son?""Certainly, It's Harvey Price.""Thanks I said, here's a tenner!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gooch_Taylor Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 I went for a chinese take-away and the guy behind the counter said "Twenty Pounds Prease"Thinking this was expensive I went to get out my wallet whilst asking the question "Excuse me, do you know the name of Jordan's son?""Certainly, It's Harvey Price.""Thanks I said, here's a tenner!"If you try this and succeed, you will become my hero. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gladstone Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Horny fat wife in stockings and high heals, puts on a cape. She bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband "Superpussy!"He looks up and says, "I'll have the soup." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Nice Andrew Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 A women was eyeing up a black man in a night club; after lots of chatting and flirting they left together. Pulling him against a wall outside, pulling him close and breathing heavily, she whispered:'Come on big boy, show me if its true what they say about black men'.So he stabbed her and ran off with her purse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Jack Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 A women was eyeing up a black man in a night club; after lots of chatting and flirting they left together. Pulling him against a wall outside, pulling him close and breathing heavily, she whispered:'Come on big boy, show me if its true what they say about black men'.So he stabbed her and ran off with her purse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 I was enjoying a dip in the local swimming pool when the lifeguard asked me "Hey, what have you got there?""Hummus." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 Horny fat wife in stockings and high heals, puts on a cape. She bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband "Superpussy!"He looks up and says, "I'll have the soup." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biz Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Return of The Wee Man to Snafu tonightYouTube - NEDS Kru feat. The Wee Man - Da FleetoBreakneck comedy at Snafu tonight 8pm only five quidDavie SeeJohn PurvesSarah MayStephen RoseThe Wee Man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue Denim.. Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Here's one sent to me today via email.....Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussingJimmy's forthcoming wedding."Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".Archie nods approvingly."I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy."A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?""Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 A women was eyeing up a black man in a night club; after lots of chatting and flirting they left together. Pulling him against a wall outside, pulling him close and breathing heavily, she whispered:'Come on big boy, show me if its true what they say about black men'.So he stabbed her and ran off with her purse.Wow.... never saw this until today......o_OI'm REALLY surprised all the militant lefties on here aren't ALL over you like a rash for that joke !! (if I'd have posted that, as in the past...I'd have been hung, drawn, quartered and neg repped to death by now!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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