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Pet Hates!

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Bigfoot email forwarding. I set this up maybe 15/20 years ago, and have used the email address for some key stuff such as my PayPal account. For some reason over the last 6 months (at least) there have been a number of times when it just hasn't worked, so I buy things using PayPal and never receive a receipt or some crucial information like a confirmation when something is delivered to a shop and needs picked up. Total pain in the hole when you have no idea what else hasn't been delivered. I probably missed out on a fortune from a Nigerian prince.

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Cassetteboy videos.

It was funny the first time hearing David Cameron say 'I...am...a...cunt' or whatever but really it's just one 'joke' rehashed time and time again.

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  • Coffee shops that keep their cakes in the fridge. You know the best way to ruin a cake? Putting it in the fucking fridge. Fuck off with that.
  • Cinemas that have the tickets and the snacks at the same counter. That's fucking annoying. You pretty much always have to queue for ages to get tickets, even if you don't want snacks. 
  • Restaurants that serve prawns in shells. I can't eat the shells, why are they on my plate? It just means I have to get prawn juice all over my fingers, and they're hot as fuck. Take them out of the fucking shells, cunt.
  • Sportspeople who do that heart thing with their hands when they score / win. Not cool anymore.
  • The phrase "all the food". "I want to eat all the food". "Lets stay in tonight and eat all the food". Bad. Stop it.
  • That annoying "Amin Yashed" / "Amin Yashu" meme that was doing the rounds a few weeks ago. I'm glad that died quickly.
  • People who pick up their dog's shit in a plastic bag, then just throw the bag on the ground. What the fuck is the point?
  • Petrol stations that sell shit like wooly hats and pot plants, but not wiper blades and headlight bulbs. Cool yeah, my car is leaking brake fluid at an alarming rate and needs topped up, but at least I've got a sandwich and a bird house and some charcoal. 
  • Sky series link not automatically picking up the next series. If I recorded an entire series of something, it probably makes logical sense that I'd want to record the next series of it too. I'm really sick of finding out a program I like has been back on for six episodes and I've missed half the series. 
  • Sky+ cutting off the end of sporting events. If a Formula 1 or Indycar race overruns because of delays due to weather, safety cars etc, please assume I want to watch the end of the race and don't cut it off at the scheduled time, thanks.
  • Refrigerated vending machines. Anybody ever ate a packet of crisps and thought "man these aren't cold enough". Me neither. I did however buy a Drifter from the vending machine at my work last year and break my tooth on the rock hard cold toffee. I don't watch refrigerated chocolate.
  • Primark's smart clothing range. I guess it's just the fashion now, but everything is "skinny fit". I'm not a fat dude but maybe a little soft around the middle. Every time I've bought stuff from there recently the buttons on the shirts are bulging, and the trousers look like fucking leggings. Why don't they make clothes for normal shaped people?
  • People who drive around town at night with their sidelights on. Stop trying to be cool and just use the headlights.
  • Gym boasters. You all know one. Probably more than one. You may even be one.
  • Satire news sites. The Onion, The Daily Mash, Waterford Whispers. These were OK when I could ignore them but they're forever being shared on Facebook and even the headlines fucking annoy me. Lowest form of wit.
  • Cling film. Fuck cling film. Bullshit. 
  • "Tag someone who" memes. "Tag someone who thinks they lift". "Tag someone who would shag this". Stuff like that. I have two friends who seems to be in a "Tag someone who" war and I'm very sick of it. A lot of these Pet Hates seems to be Facebook related.
  • People who microwave fish at work. Drown them all.
  • The phrase "shits and giggles". Sorry, are you Austin Powers?

TL:DR. Lemonade is grouchy.

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On 4/9/2016 at 11:06 AM, Lemonade said:
  • Cinemas that have the tickets and the snacks at the same counter. That's fucking annoying. You pretty much always have to queue for ages to get tickets, even if you don't want snacks. 

I'd rather the snackless dickheads have to queue longer than me having to queue twice to get tickets AND my slushie. That being said, if your only ticket desk is also your snack desk then it's a chump move to not also have automated machines or something to churn out tickets in a hurry.

 

xx

Edited by Stroopy121

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On 4/9/2016 at 11:06 AM, Lemonade said:
  •  
  • Satire news sites. The Onion, The Daily Mash, Waterford Whispers. These were OK when I could ignore them but they're forever being shared on Facebook and even the headlines fucking annoy me. Lowest form of wit.

The Hard Times though...

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1 hour ago, Stroopy121 said:

I'd rather the snackless dickheads have to queue longer than me having to queue twice to get tickets AND my slushie. That being said, if your only ticket desk is also your snack desk then it's a chump move to not also have automated machines or something to churn out tickets in a hurry.

 

xx

I shouldn't have to miss the first ten minutes of a film because cunts like you can't sit for 2 hours without stuffing your face, cunt.  

 

 

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46 minutes ago, Lemonade said:

I shouldn't have to miss the first ten minutes of a film because cunts like you can't sit for 2 hours without stuffing your face, cunt.  

 

 

Who the fuck shows up to the cinema so late that they risk missing actual movie time in the queue? Maybe you should sort your fucking life out and leave me to eat my picnic basket full of popcorn in goddamn peace, assbutt.

 

xx

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Bollocks to cinema food, specifically the prices. I bring in my own packet of wine gums. Outside food, in a place that doesn't permit outside food. Suck it, Hollywood. Fuck the police.

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My local Odeon has a Starbucks in it, so I sometimes take in a cup of coffee. That's all though. I don't much like popcorn and I don't really want a massive bag of M&Ms that costs £6. I'd ban all food in the cinema. Popcorn crunching and sweetie paper rustling make me wish every single human being was dead. 

I'm an early cinema guy. I like to get in and sat down at the advertised time, before the adverts have even started when all the lights are still on. Latecomers wind me right up. They should lock the doors when the BBFC page comes up. No one gets in or out. If your bladder can't last two hours, stay at home, or maybe rethink the 3 litre bucket of Sprite you bought at the fucking ticket stand WHICH SHOULD ONLY BE FOR TICKETS. 

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27 minutes ago, Lemonade said:

They should lock the doors when the BBFC page comes up. No one gets in or out. If your bladder can't last two hours, stay at home, or maybe rethink the 3 litre bucket of Sprite you bought at the fucking ticket stand WHICH SHOULD ONLY BE FOR TICKETS.

This x1000. I've been to the cinema twice this year and both times there was latecomers, a good 5 minutes in to the actual film. Taking in to account trailers, they were probably about 20 minutes late. Both times, the latecomers were sat in the seats directly next to me. RAGE. Rustling their coats and chatting as they sit down. Urgh. What kind of lowlife scum do you have to be to come in 20 minutes late? The worst kind of person. Worse than racists. Worse than 1000 racists.

I'm with you. Lock the doors. No refunds. Anyone even trying to turn up late should be banned for life. Inexcusable.

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To my absolute delight, I quit my job last week and so my adventures with my AGFW were over before they really began! I’ve asked my pal in the office to keep me updated her unfathomable stupidity so I can report back on here. I sent him a link to this thread because I thought he’d enjoy everyone else’s AGFW stories. I’ll try and encourage him to sign up as a member...

Here is my final collection from my draft email folder ‘OH GOD OH GOD, SHUT UP, YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.’

“I’m waiting on a mirage of emails.”

She held up her finger to show me a cut, “I papercutted myself. Well, it wasn’t on paper, it was on a tin last night.”

“Ugh, I didn’t think this report would take so long to do! Pluck a duck. That’s what I say to that: pluck a duck.”
What?

On my last day, I decided that I’d challenge her on more of the dumb stuff she comes out with rather than just ignore her. Mainly for the amusement of aforementioned office-mate, but also because usually she says this stuff and people just want her to shut up, so don’t respond and she probably thinks she’s mega clever.
Someone mentioned something about the Clangers and she butted in, “Have you seen the new Thunderbirds? It’s rubbish, it’s all CGI!” she kept asking if we’d seen updated versions of old kids’ TV shows. After “Have you seen the new Postman Pat?”, I gave up trying to ignore her and said, “No, I haven’t seen any of these. I am an adult without children.” (She is also an adult without children)
“But Postman Pat’s gone all PC!”
“Oh, how? Does he no longer spout racial slurs?”
“No, Postman Pat never used to swear! But he’s got a kid now! And there’s an Asian family and an Indian family in the square now.” (it's a village, not a square, you idiot.)
“What's wrong with that? That’s just reflecting diversity within society.”
“But... but he’s got a kid now! It’s gone political correct!”
“How is having a kid politically correct?” 
No answer. When I repeated this story later on it was later pointed out to me, by my dad of all people, that there were always families of different ethnicities in Postman Pat. Also, he always had a son - Julian! Fuck up, AGFW, you don't know what you're talking about!

Her catchphrase is “Does that make sense?” and it usually follows something that is not in any way difficult to comprehend. She uses it like punctuation, it’s mental. It’s so frequent that I know there are better examples of it than this, but the only one I can remember from a couple of weeks ago occurred when a colleague was doing a report about some work carried out on a school, “Is St ____’s Primary School the same thing as St ____’s RC School?” I said that I thought so just as  it’d be odd for there to be a ‘Saint’ something school and it not be a Catholic School. We resolved it very quickly, basically, but 30 seconds later she said, “I think it is the same school... Does that make sense?”
I hate it SO MUCH. We kept saying we’d take a tally of how many times a day she says it but we'd always lose count. For a period of time, because we were sure she’s not aware of saying it, we started responding every single time rather than leaving it as a rhetorical question.
“Does that make sense?” 
“Perfect sense.”
“Does that make sense?”
“Absolutely.”
“Does that make sense?”
“Crystal clear.”
She still hasn’t realised.

As touched upon previously, she thinks she knows everything and has to have her say on every single thing. She never acknowledges when she’s wrong, even when she’s said something with complete conviction that turns out to be bullshit. We’ve got a number of Polish speakers at work, as well as Czech and Slovak, so a while ago (before AGFW started) one of the easier words ‘dobra’ sort of entered everybody’s vocabulary and it began to be commonly used by us all instead of ‘good’ or ‘okay’.
One of the fluent Polish speakers was in our office on the phone, acting as translator for a client, and said the word a few times. When she hung up, I said “I’d forgotten about dobra. Great word!” and my colleague asked what it meant. AGFW butts in, “It means thanks.” in such a matter-of-fact tone. IT DOESN'T - STOP SAYING WORDS, YOU DON'T ALWAYS NEED TO SAY WORDS!

Apparently she used to work on cruise ships, something she would bring up at least twice a day. A guy at our work goes to Goa for a month every January to escape the depressing Scottish winter and someone in the office mentioned it. "I've been to Goa." she said. We all politely ignored this. She said it again a few minutes later and someone humoured her, "Did you enjoy it?" 
To which she replied, "Well, I was only there for four hours."
THAT ISN'T THE SAME AS SOMEONE GOING TO GOA FOR A MONTH EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS!
Then she went to great lengths to explain that she, having worked on ships, has "been round the world twice", implying that she has visited every country. She phrased it exactly like that about four times in one (largely one-sided) conversation. Since then, she has also mentioned a number of places that she hasn't been, thus contradicting the statement. When she learned that I am moving to Canada soon, she HAD to relate it to herself in some way by saying, "I've not been to Canada before, but I've been to America..." then started talking about America. I think a list of places she hasn't been needs to be compiled so that at some point in the future when she says she's been around the world, someone can say, "Oh, how was Canada? Tell me about your adventures in Syria." Again, another time when I mentioned that I was going to New York on holiday, my friend in the office started recommending things he'd done when there because we have very similar interests in a lot of things. AGFW then recommended a bar that she and her workmates on the cruise ships would go to when they went to New York, "There's a great Irish bar that you should go to. I can't remember the name of it, but it's just off Broadway." You know, Broadway, that tiny tiny street... If she wasn't actually an idiot, I'd just think she was a very clever parody of one. 

My pal from work (MPFW) has been texting me updates of things she says while I'm gone. 
"Abu Dhabi is nice... I've only been to the airport in Abu Dhabi."

Someone else in the building apparently came into our office and asked AGFW how to transfer something from her laptop to another machine using her memory stick. According to MPFW: "She was basking in the glory of being in the limelight. 'It's like riding a bike - once you've done it a few times, it becomes second nature'." USING A MEMORY STICK IS LIKE RIDING A BIKE

Christ.

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I've been chronicling the next part of my AGFW story, but I don't want to be riding on your coattails, so mine can wait a while. The bit about the memory stick made snot come out of my nose. 

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AGFW once told me he'd fuck Michelle Keegan until there was nothing but a pile of shit left on the mattress. 

Not so many banter bombs at my work, more racism and misogyny.

Edited by James Broonbreed

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1 minute ago, James Broonbreed said:

AGFW once told me he'd fuck Michelle Keegan until there was nothing but a pile of shit left on the mattress. 

 

 

Thankfully he was a contractor and got the bullet so I shouldn't be seeing his wonky eyed face ever again, unless I plan to have my holidays on a Sunderland council estate.

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6 hours ago, kirsten said:

She held up her finger to show me a cut, “I papercutted myself. Well, it wasn’t on paper, it was on a tin last night.”

Hearty LOL. This is totally something my AGFW would say.

6 hours ago, kirsten said:

"Abu Dhabi is nice... I've only been to the airport in Abu Dhabi."

The airport is a fucking dump, the lying bastard.

One thing I've never mentioned that AGFW does...is everything is "a little" something. "I put a little note up there for you." "I'm a little confused by it all." "I found a little issue." Its not a huge problem, except our job is testings. And when you're trying to get him to explain what the issue is, he still does it. "The email I received was a little blank." A little blank? What the fuck does that mean?

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8 hours ago, ca_gere said:

That's a good one.

'Twee but offensive' insults seem to be a trend these days. 

Yeah, what happened to just calling someone a cunt.

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