Last film you watched?

[Lemonade]

I watched The House On Haunted Hill, the 1957 b&w one with Vincent Price. Bloody enjoyable, genuinely creepy and a really claustrophobic feeling. The crappy 1950s effects let it down a bit, but it all adds to the charm.

Thumbs up

Then watched Smart People, with the bloke off of Sideways, the bird off of Juno and the horse off of Sex & The City. It was funny in places, but was another example of the recent trend of making the main character in a film inherently unlikable, which makes it more difficult for me to get into a film. It was OK I suppose, not a must watch, but if there's nothing better on and it's raining outside then check it out. I couldn't concentrate properly on the dialogue once I noticed how HUMUNGOUS Ellen Page's eyebrows are. You know, once you notice something like that you can't help but stare at them.

Thumbs middle

[Soda Jerk]

I hate that lass in Juno. I really wanted to like Juno, but it's kinda hard to when I really couldn't stand the main character. It was all a bit to try hard to make her seem cool and pretentious.

I just thought I'd mention that, even though you weren't talking about Juno.

[Lemonade]

I hate that lass in Juno. I really wanted to like Juno, but it's kinda hard to when I really couldn't stand the main character. It was all a bit to try hard to make her seem cool and pretentious.

I just thought I'd mention that, even though you weren't talking about Juno.

Rumour has it she's a rug-muncher. Not that that would change your mind about her anything. Hey, I'm just saying is all.....

Gawker - The Ellen Page Sexuality Sweepstakes - closet space

[Teabags]

Here's some extra wank-fodder for you.

That picture lacks the all important cigar.

[Lemonade]

That picture lacks the all important cigar.

The cigar is up his ass.

[Teabags]

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....and I'm spent.

[Lemonade]

I watched High School Musical 3 last night, which I wanted to hate, I really really did, but I actually enjoyed. You can see right from the beginning that it has a much bigger budget than the first two movies, some of the choreography is mind blowing and the sets are pretty stunning. OK the tunes are pretty gay, and it's about as squeaky clean and asexual as is humanly possible to get, but it's actually big, bright and funny, the characters are pretty likeable and some of the dancing is unbelivable.

Thumbs up

(I can't believe I just admitted to liking High School Musical 3 on a public forum. AND admitted that I've seen the other two)

[Bigsby]

I Spit on Your Grave: much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre this film has global notoriety for being one of the most graphic films ever, banned for 20 years, heavily edited etc etc. And much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre the original cut is one of the biggest let-downs ever... just pure crap, and the audio track is appalling! Not worth wasting any time or money on this. 1/10

And Last House on the Left, utter balls.

Watched the Princess Bride last night... inconceivable!

Lets have a for the Knopfler soundtrack.

[Johnny Mac]

I watched High School Musical 3 last night, which I wanted to hate, I really really did, but I actually enjoyed. You can see right from the beginning that it has a much bigger budget than the first two movies, some of the choreography is mind blowing and the sets are pretty stunning. OK the tunes are pretty gay, and it's about as squeaky clean and asexual as is humanly possible to get, but it's actually big, bright and funny, the characters are pretty likeable and some of the dancing is unbelivable.

Thumbs up

(I can't believe I just admitted to liking High School Musical 3 on a public forum. AND admitted that I've seen the other two)

poof.

[Johnny Mac]

I Spit on Your Grave: much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre this film has global notoriety for being one of the most graphic films ever, banned for 20 years, heavily edited etc etc. And much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre the original cut is one of the biggest let-downs ever... just pure crap, and the audio track is appalling! Not worth wasting any time or money on this. 1/10

Aye, I remember watching it and it cuts to various random scenes and makes no sense whatsoever due to terrible editing and loads of sex/voilence being cut out. Drivel.

Apparently there is a sequal which is even worse. If that is possible.

[Lemonade]

poof.

Harsh but fair

[Bigsby]

poof.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

[Paulscoconutass]

Wasabi: 2001 French-Japanese flick by Luc Besson that didn't really know what kind of film it wanted to be. Touted as an action film, but there wasn't any proper fights 'til over an hour in, and what little action there was looked ridiculous (like a surreal manga adaptation). Was supposed to be a cop film, but was more like a parody of the naked gun, which is already a parody. The story was very thin and the acting's pretty wierd as the cast all play out stereotypes.

On the other hand it looks pretty good. Definitely a case of style over substance (the default audio track is dubbed English!) but worth a look if you like Besson's stuff. Would put it in the same category as the original Taxi or a crap re-make of Black Rain!!!

6/10

[FatHand]

Harsh but fair

Just fair I think

[FatHand]

Lets have a for the Knopfler soundtrack.

It all just works. One of the few childhood movies that doesn't disappoint on the re-watch.

On a completely unrelated note, one of my regular movie screenings, Anchorman, turned into a bit of reality on my birthday when I received a bottle of Sex Panther. I can confirm that it doesn't smell of big foot's dick or a turd covered in burnt hair. It's kind of in between London Gentleman and Blackbeard's Delight.

[DJ Jo-D]

I watched High School Musical 3 last night, which I wanted to hate, I really really did, but I actually enjoyed. You can see right from the beginning that it has a much bigger budget than the first two movies, some of the choreography is mind blowing and the sets are pretty stunning. OK the tunes are pretty gay, and it's about as squeaky clean and asexual as is humanly possible to get, but it's actually big, bright and funny, the characters are pretty likeable and some of the dancing is unbelivable.

Thumbs up

(I can't believe I just admitted to liking High School Musical 3 on a public forum. AND admitted that I've seen the other two)

I think I might give you rep points for being so honest!! Might have to have a gander at them now ha ha think I have seen the first one... my neice who's 11 doesn't like it at all ha ha but then she's a Hannah Montana lover

[DJ Jo-D]

boo "must spread" yada yada..

[Lame Guitarist]

I watched High School Musical 3 last night, which I wanted to hate, I really really did, but I actually enjoyed. You can see right from the beginning that it has a much bigger budget than the first two movies, some of the choreography is mind blowing and the sets are pretty stunning. OK the tunes are pretty gay, and it's about as squeaky clean and asexual as is humanly possible to get, but it's actually big, bright and funny, the characters are pretty likeable and some of the dancing is unbelivable.

Thumbs up

(I can't believe I just admitted to liking High School Musical 3 on a public forum. AND admitted that I've seen the other two)

Has your log-in been hijacked?? that really deserves a lifetime ban on this forum

PS

Are the chicks hot in it??

[Lemonade]

I think I might give you rep points for being so honest!! Might have to have a gander at them now ha ha think I have seen the first one... my neice who's 11 doesn't like it at all ha ha but then she's a Hannah Montana lover

Has your log-in been hijacked?? that really deserves a lifetime ban on this forum

PS

Are the chicks hot in it??

Now I'm getting rep for admitting liking High School Musical 3 on a public forum! The world's gone mad.

LG - the chicks are alright but they're freakishly non-sexual (It is Disney after all). Vanessa Hudgens is the main female lead, and while she is pretty, when she smiles it looks like there isn't enough skin on her face, it looks weird and stretched. In the film she does nothing but simper all the way through it, she is so plastic and sanitized it's like she actually lacks genitals, and has no sexual urges whatsoever. In fact all the girls are so squeaky clean and innocent that they cease to be sexual beings altogether, perving on them would be like fancying a jacket, or a staircase.

In saying that, there are full frontal nude photos of her on the web that her ex-boyfriend took. So she does actually have genitals. I've seen them.

[Pierre Von Mondragon]

Was pleasantly surprised at enjoying the new Star Trek, considering I can't stand everything since TNG, but it reminded me why I liked the old one, and it does look ace, and Simon Pegg is better suited to it than I thought he would be.

[DJ Jo-D]

Now I'm getting rep for admitting liking High School

I'm afraid you didn't, but I think you deserve it for being so honest - honesty = in my book!

[Lame Guitarist]

Watched Human Traffic last night, forgot how good that film was. A young Danny Dyer who had one of the best roles in it as well

[ca_gere]

I agree with original spies about juno. Forced quirkiness is annoying. I think the abridged script gets it spot on...

FADE IN:

EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN

ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film.

She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.

ELLEN PAGE

I need to use the bathroom, as Ive been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.

RAINN WILSON

Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full days supply of vitamin C in every serving?

ELLEN PAGE

Thats right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.

RAINN WILSON

I can barely understand you. Is there a reason youre talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock?

ELLEN PAGE

Yes, and you better start talking like that too or youll have no place in the movie, Dwight.

RAINN WILSON

Oh, er, uh, I mean thats one doodle that cant be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent.

ELLEN PAGE

Youre so quirky! And so am I!

ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that shes PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS.

ELLEN PAGE

This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares.

ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY.

ELLEN PAGE

Hey Olivia. So Im pregs for real.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs?

ELLEN PAGE

Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky.

They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room set in front of MICHAEL CERAS HOME.

MICHAEL CERA

Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, its incredibly quirky of you.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, well Im pretty quirky.

MICHAEL CERA

So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-

ELLEN PAGE

Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voice over narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.

ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)

Whenever I see the track team, I cant help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voice over narration that I can end with the very hip term pork swords.

ELLEN PAGE

Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, Im pregnant and its yours.

MICHAEL CERA

Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, Im going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. Its kind of my thing.

ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)

Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?

ELLEN PAGE

Hi. Id like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up.

(shakes phone)

Alright, there we go.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)

Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak-

ELLEN PAGE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I dont think you heard me. Im talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? Thats for shizz quirky.

ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST

Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriends penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

ELLEN PAGE

Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger!

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST

I know, right!?

ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend OLIVIA.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod?

ELLEN PAGE

I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple.

ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother.

ELLEN PAGE

So, Im pregnant.

J.K. SIMMONS

WHAT YOURE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU-

ELLEN PAGE

Dad, youre in an indie flick, remember?

J.K. SIMMONS

Oh right. Sorry, I didnt mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark.

ALLISON JANNEY

And Id like to follow that up with a second barb.

ELLEN PAGE

Its Michael Ceras. The kid from Arrested Development.

J.K. SIMMONS

Huh. I didnt think he had it in him.

ELLEN PAGE

What, sperm?

ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays out with fewer JOKES and more PRETENTIOUSNESS.

ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them.

JENNIFER GARNER

Were so happy youd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra.

JASON BATEMAN

So who is the father of the little bastard?

ELLEN PAGE

Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera.

JASON BATEMAN

No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.

That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to JENNIFER and JASON.

TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant people are obligated to include.

She visits JASON BATEMAN.

JASON BATEMAN

Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together?

ELLEN PAGE

That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isnt interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet.

(pause)

Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy.

JASON BATEMAN

Well, I have good news. Im leaving Jennifer Garner.

ELLEN PAGE

Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me?

JASON BATEMAN

No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I cant even look at her now. Has she been in anything good?

ELLEN PAGE

Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well.

JASON BATEMAN

How artistic!

ELLEN PAGE

Youre goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars!

LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE MUSIC plays.

JENNIFER GARNER

Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane.

ELLEN PAGE

And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence!

MICHAEL CERA

So now that you popped the kid out, I think were in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development?

ELLEN PAGE

Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.

They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie so that they dont feel STUPID.

END

[Teabags]

I watched DOnnie Darko again. At the end I read The Philosophy of Time Travel. And then started drawing diagrams.

I fucking hate watching that movie when I'm in a fit state to think.

[Johnny Mac]

I watched DOnnie Darko again. At the end I read The Philosophy of Time Travel. And then started drawing diagrams.

I fucking hate watching that movie when I'm in a fit state to think.

So THAT's why you weren't in the Moorings last night..........