Football Manager 2012

[Adam Easy Wishes]

Cardozo is the only striker you will ever need, I always sign him. £2.5mm is astonishingly low.

He failed a medical so couldn't get him in January.

His contract runs out at the end of the year so now will take him on a free in summer time on a two-year £15,500 per week (taking him to age 32). Great deal for me!

[FOX]

91 points, City? Not good enough. And to think the fans doubted me after selling that fucking scouse potato head. I knew Berbatov and Welbeck would fill that big eared void. Nani stepped up. n'all. 18 goals from wide midfield, and he had a ton of injuries. Valencia won Player's Player of the Year too, because he's the fucking boss.

Quadruple. Eat that. I better get a mountain of cash to spend in the Summer, or I'm going to bomb the Glazers' house. I dunno if you can do that in the game. Perhaps it's in the Database Editor.

Tiote's getting the boot. Can't complete 90 minutes. Always wants a rest. Always miserable. Get fucked, big head.

Weirdest thing about that - Sunderland relegated?! Who the hell's in charge?

[Murrr]

Well boys, FM has produced an almighty cock-up and scrambled my Pro Vercelli game (4 seasons in, taken them from the third tier to Serie A). I'm annoyed at myself for not using the three-file autosave feature, but pretty devastated. Fuck it though, there's only one thing for it...

[Soda Jerk]

Well done, Soda Jerk. Well done.

Can you screenshot yer formation?

In my new season, I am using this with new acquisitions Neymar, Badelj and Hazard (got him in Jan, but he hasn't played due to getting his lag smashed in half on his debut)

Last season when I wasn't using basic 4-4-2 or 4-4-1-1, I tinkered with something that looked like this, which has no wingers or full backs, and all set to exploit the middle, no crossing or wideplay. I haven't used it this season, as I swapped it for the jagged 4-1-2-2-1 above, but it really was effective. Shit screenshot though. I left on a hover thing. That's Tom Clevz under there. He was pinging through balls to the poachers all day long. I sometimes played Ryan Giggs in there too. He's still got game.

Only a few games in to the new season. Currently 3rd, 3 points behind joint top Spurs and City but I've got 2 games in hand for some reason. Not sure how that's happened so early on.

I got £70m to spend in the summer because I brought in all the trophies. The fans and the board are pissed at me because I spent £34m on Neymar. He's scored a goal in every game he's played so far, including pre-season, and banged in a hat trick against City in the Charity Shield. They need to stop fucking whinging and realise that I'm the boss. Phelan reckons he's got 4.5 star potential, and Phelan rarely gets it wrong. He's got a good eye for football that little tubby little blighter. Spent the rest on Badelj from Benfica (who they got from Zagreb) and Emre Can from Bayern Munich B. Emre Can is a German Phil Jones. He can play in any defensive positition, has mint stats, and he's only 19. Swag!

Park is crying for first team football. He says he's good enough to be starting every game, ahead of Nani. On yer bike, Parky. For being such a baby, I'm not registering you in my 25 man PL squad. That'll learn you. You can have the dregs. Carling Cup and that.

Next person who comes crying about not playing enough games gets an instant contract termination. I'm not fucking about like.

[Adam Easy Wishes]

I will respond to the above tomorrow or something, but FYI, Danny Rose has a clause in his contract (which is a four year deal from the start of the game) which gives him a 100% rise in his basic salary every year. DANNY ROSE. He is currently on £64k a week in my game. MUTUAL TERMINATION please.

[Murrr]

Hoof update: 2nd in La Liga, three points behind Real with a game in-hand. 11 wins, 3 draws, 1 loss. 33 scored, 5 conceded.

It's going pretty well. The sole loss came to Real, who got a jammy borderline-offside winner. My lads did alright otherwise. The weaknesses of the system are very apparent though. There are only a handful of ways you can score playing this way, so 2nd is probably the best finish I can ask for. We get most of our goals from set pieces, hopeful hoofs and crosses so we can't really break truly big teams down. That's exactly what I expected and I don't want to win playing any of that namby pamby tiki-taka bollocks, but we probably won't win the league.

League highlight was a 6-0 cuffing of Levante, with little Mickey Owen scoring a hattrick. He's scored 9 in 21, Kev Dave has 8 in 17, Messi has 11 (including 4 headers) from 26 on left-wing and Heskey (who has suddenly become a D ©, ST!) has 3 in 17, obvs. Not bad. Messi has played up front a couple of times when Owen's been injured as Inzaghi has been shite and hasn't scored in 7.

The defence has pleased me the most as we've only conceded 5 in the league. Samba and Pique are excellent as no-nonsense hoofers despite Pique's technical excellence. Tony Hibbert has been really popular and is actually quite effective if you ban him from going forward. I just have him knacking wingers and he's doing a good job of it.

I had bit of a rammy with a couple of players after a 1-1 draw with Athletic Bilbao. Owen and Samba both got sent off, each for doing something violent enough to warrant a three-match ban. Puyol and Messi came to me immediately after the game complaining about a lack of discipline at the club, so I fined them both for being pussies. They seem to have gotten over it now though.

A lot of my Hispanic players keep getting crocked too. The soft twats obviously can't handle training with proper footballers like Davies and Samba. If these fuckers don't man-up they'll be out at the end of the season. I haven't got time for wimps. I'm already considering a pre-season tour of Afghanistan to harden the crybabies up.

[Scootray]

How long do you guys set your matches to?

I get bored watching the little cunts.

[waltz]

Next person who comes crying about not playing enough games gets an instant contract termination. I'm not fucking about like.

Kiko Femenia, I see? Signed him for Celtic, guy just pops up everywhere. Kept scoring goals that were disallowed.

[Shaki]

Ahem.........

http://aberdeen-music.com/threads/football-manager-2012.50906/

Im in my 8th season now with the dons, just away to morn the retirement of Gary Caldwell who has given me 6 fantastic years and now at 38 is barely able to crawl onto the pitch for a match. David Goodwillie has also become a club legend after i completely saved his career after starting 6 games for Blackburn in 4 years before they punted him. FM is my weekend, only practise can pull me away from it, and i think about my team when practising. Life doesnt exist without football manager.

This is very much my fear and why I've never succumbed to the tempation of ever playing it. I saw it in HMV for £18 or something today and was sorely tempted but managed to remember I enjoy my life and it's not worth risking it. I love talking about it to people who play it, even though I don't...yet.

[Soda Jerk]

Kiko Femenia, I see? Signed him for Celtic, guy just pops up everywhere. Kept scoring goals that were disallowed.

My scout found him and said he'd be a good addition. Scout lied. He's a bit shite. He also moans about not playing enough. I sent him on loan to Millwall for half a season. He only got picked for 2 games. Not good enough for them either.

[The Milner]

This is very much my fear and why I've never succumbed to the tempation of ever playing it. I saw it in HMV for £18 or something today and was sorely tempted but managed to remember I enjoy my life and it's not worth risking it. I love talking about it to people who play it, even though I don't...yet.

I made a choice years ago, WOW or FM, i knew if i took both up i wouldn't even go to work, its an obsession not a game! lol

[Soda Jerk]

It's slowly started to take over my life. It's scary how quickly time flies by when you're engorged in it. My 6 hour train journey flew by, and I barely even played a game. Other than ripping a new arsehole into the MLS on the pre-season tour of America, it was just pre-season meddling; selling deadwood, bidding for Neymar and appealing against rejected work permits, setting up new tactics, renewing staff contracts. It sounds boring, but I was having a a right power trip telling my scouts that they can like or lump their new contract offers. It makes me feel like the fucking Grand Poobah. Fuck off Phelan. You're not getting £23k a week. That's more than Rav Morrison gets, and he fucking owns you. You can stick with your £13k, and you can wash Rav Morrisons toilet every day until Christmas. Fat cunt.

I was a man of my word. The Pole in Goal, Tomasz Kuz...Kuscz... Kuczc... Coolshack came to me, cap in hand, begging for some first team football. You all heard me say it. I said the next person who comes for a whinge about not being in my elite squadron of finely tuned athletes is getting kicked onto the street, effective immediately. Mutual contract termination. Coolshack is now a free agent, and nobody wants him. Don't fucking mess with me. No one is bigger than the club. Except me. I am the club.

[waltz]

My scout found him and said he'd be a good addition. Scout lied. He's a bit shite. He also moans about not playing enough. I sent him on loan to Millwall for half a season. He only got picked for 2 games. Not good enough for them either.

Nah mate.

Nah.

[Soda Jerk]

I've not had a good performance out of him yet, and I've given him plenty of goes. He's just the type of player who moans if he gets dropped once. I was hoping his loan stint would help him progress a bit, but Millwall barely even picked him and I have no idea why. Dirty Millwall bastards.

[Chris]

Apparently I'm going to get sacked according to goal.com if I don't get a result against Motherwell. I need to shift some of the wasters on in January I think and bring in better coaching staff. Fuck knows who'd be stupid enough to buy any of our players though.

[Soda Jerk]

I find selling players to be the biggest problem I have. I've just terminated a bunch of contracts just to get deadwood off the wage bill. Nobody wants to buy Owen, Diouf, Macheda, Gibson, or Park. I just can't get rid.

It's ace when a filthy rich team want one of your players though. They are stupid. Newly stinking-rich Paris St Germain wanted to buy Fabio Da Silva for £6.5m. Instead of issuing a hands off warning, I hiked up the price and said I'd sell him for £60million, just to make them back off, as they kept pestering me. They came back with a counter offer of £29million. Mental idiots. SOLD!

Bare that in mind FM-ers. If Man City, Chelsea, Malaga, PSG, Anzhi etc. want one of your players. Don't turn them away. Play hard ball. Slap on some zeros on their price tag and wait for the knobhead owners to cave in.

SWAG!

[FOX]

I find selling players to be the biggest problem I have. I've just terminated a bunch of contracts just to get deadwood off the wage bill. Nobody wants to buy Owen, Diouf, Macheda, Gibson, or Park. I just can't get rid.

It's ace when a filthy rich team want one of your players though. They are stupid. Newly stinking-rich Paris St Germain wanted to buy Fabio Da Silva for £6.5m. Instead of issuing a hands off warning, I hiked up the price and said I'd sell him for £60million, just to make them back off, as they kept pestering me. They came back with a counter offer of £29million. Mental idiots. SOLD!

Bare that in mind FM-ers. If Man City, Chelsea, Malaga, PSG, Anzhi etc. want one of your players. Don't turn them away. Play hard ball. Slap on some zeros on their price tag and wait for the knobhead owners to cave in.

SWAG!

I do this all the time, and it never ever works.

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

Whilst you guys are all being futuristic, I'm kicking it old school with Champ manager 2001/02, with a database update. Doing pretty good with Celtic at the moment:

[Soda Jerk]

No league losses. Banging. How'd you do in the cups/Europe?

I aim to lose no league games this season. I reckon I can do it if Nani stops getting injured.

I forgot I added a buy-back clause in Rooney's contract, as a "just in case". I sent my scout to scout Italy. Who did he come back with as a prime target? That fucking potato head who I sold to Inter Milan. I set the buy back clause at £24million. Might be worth a punt. I've got alot of flair (Neymar, Berbatov) and pace (Welbeck, Hernandez) up top, but no muscle or a 'complete forward'. Might chance a bit of tapping up in January.

[Chris]

I find selling players to be the biggest problem I have. I've just terminated a bunch of contracts just to get deadwood off the wage bill. Nobody wants to buy Owen, Diouf, Macheda, Gibson, or Park. I just can't get rid.

It's ace when a filthy rich team want one of your players though. They are stupid. Newly stinking-rich Paris St Germain wanted to buy Fabio Da Silva for £6.5m. Instead of issuing a hands off warning, I hiked up the price and said I'd sell him for £60million, just to make them back off, as they kept pestering me. They came back with a counter offer of £29million. Mental idiots. SOLD!

Bare that in mind FM-ers. If Man City, Chelsea, Malaga, PSG, Anzhi etc. want one of your players. Don't turn them away. Play hard ball. Slap on some zeros on their price tag and wait for the knobhead owners to cave in.

SWAG!

You speak of numbers I don't understand.

I'm trying to offload a couple of players at the top end of Aberdeen's wage bracket to get £2000 off my wage bill of £35k. To do this I'm offering players for sale at £45k. Awesome. Still no-one's bought them yet. Wish they'd just fuck off so I can spend the money on some coaching staff instead and new contracts for the kids.

Nevermind, now on an 8 game unbeaten run and have firmly steadied the good ship AFC after the grim days of a few days ago. I think letting Archie Knox handle the match prep has helped and I've gone a bit back to basics with less faffing around with instructions etc. It just clouds the clear waters for my players. In a team talk I told the strikers to get out there and bag some goals - Darren Mackie looked confused. Says it all really.

[Alkaline]

I'm playing FM 2011 (11.3 Patch).

I started a new career as manager of CSKA Moscow and walked the league and was in the last 16 of the Europa League, got to the new season point (Russian season starts in Feb/March) and the cunting board rocked up with a transfer "war chest" of £2million with which i was supposed to conquer the Chamions League and retain the league while all around me Spartak, Zenit, Anzhi et al were chucking about monies like that shit was going out of fashion. I went all Oliver Twist and rocked up all "please sir, can i have some more?" and they sent me packing with a clipped lug. I started playing pre-season friendlies and then every club in Europe was trying to tap up my best players and royally unsettled the squad so i did a bit of a Roy Keane and told CSKA to get fucked and hung around with my dog at home until AS Roma offered me the chance to turn around their season (which was mid-way through).

Roma have an incredibly old and slow team (not quite AC Milan standard, but close) and i joined them while they were sitting in 11th place in the league well off pace, employed my usual tactics, and finished the season in 2nd place and won the Coppa Italia (or whatever the shiit it's called these days). In the summer between seasons i've bought about £58million worth of younger players (Moussa Sissoko, Aiden McGeady, Douglas Costa, Jamie Rodriguez, Guillermo Burdisso, Christian Eriksen, Marco Boriello, Sebastien Corchia, Atila Turan) and have shifted on some of the older players and the moaners though i'm struggling to get shot of Adriano (whose on £84,000 per week) and i don't know what the fuck to do with Totti (he's taking £140,000 p/week and still has 3 years left on his contract at 34 years of age) as i imagine i would be hauled to the steps of the Stadio Olimpico and executed if i sold him.

[TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH]

No league losses. Banging. How'd you do in the cups/Europe?

I aim to lose no league games this season. I reckon I can do it if Nani stops getting injured.

I forgot I added a buy-back clause in Rooney's contract, as a "just in case". I sent my scout to scout Italy. Who did he come back with as a prime target? That fucking potato head who I sold to Inter Milan. I set the buy back clause at £24million. Might be worth a punt. I've got alot of flair (Neymar, Berbatov) and pace (Welbeck, Hernandez) up top, but no muscle or a 'complete forward'. Might chance a bit of tapping up in January.

In Europe I have done well by Celtic standards, such as gubbing Barca 3-2 at the Nou Camp. But the best I've managed is a Champions League semi final, boo. Two domestic trebles under my belt, including destroying the scum 8-1 in last year's Scottish Cup final. Starting the game, I had fuck all cash, so I signed Robert Pires, Luis Garcia and Rivaldo (aged 38) on free transfers. They dominated the SPL and kept the likes of Shaun Maloney and Paddy McCourt out of the squad.

[Soda Jerk]

Roma have an incredibly old and slow team (not quite AC Milan standard, but close) and i joined them while they were sitting in 11th place in the league well off pace, employed my usual tactics, and finished the season in 2nd place and won the Coppa Italia (or whatever the shiit it's called these days). In the summer between seasons i've bought about £58million worth of younger players (Moussa Sissoko, Aiden McGeady, Douglas Costa, Jamie Rodriguez, Guillermo Burdisso, Christian Eriksen, Marco Boriello, Sebastien Corchia, Atila Turan) and have shifted on some of the older players and the moaners though i'm struggling to get shot of Adriano (whose on £84,000 per week) and i don't know what the fuck to do with Totti (he's taking £140,000 p/week and still has 3 years left on his contract at 34 years of age) as i imagine i would be hauled to the steps of the Stadio Olimpico and executed if i sold him.

You could be a cunt to him and make him unhappy enough to leave? Have a private chat with him and give him a telling off all the time, demote him to the reserves etc. You might be able to get away with punting him. I sold Rooney with no major qualms. The fans were unhappy, but I wipe my arse with their season ticket revenue and I don't give a stuff what those pie guzzling buttfuckers think. It's my club.

[FOX]

Got this today. My OCD despises this fucking font.

[Murrr]

Project Hoof: 2011-12 Season Review

The mission: to transform Barcelona from tiki-taka press-and-move wizards into Tony Pulis-esque hoof merchants by signing gritty/comedy players and asking existing players to play far more basic roles, all without sacrificing success.

Summer Transfers Out

David Villa to Inter, £20m

Andres Iniesta to Man City, £35.5m

Maxwell to PSG, £3.9m

Daniel Alves to Man City, £29.5m

Xavi to Chelsea, £15m

Andreu Fontas to Racing, loan

Ibrahim Afellay to Atletico Madrid, £5m

Rafinha to Man United, £2m

The reasons were pretty straightforward. Iniesta and Xavi were far too soft to play ankle-breaking, “sore neck” central midfield. Alves is far too unconventional a player to play as a defensive full-back. Maxwell and Rafinha are Brazilian and therefore couldn't do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke (although I kept Adriano because he's a bit shit). Fontas? His name sounds a bit fruity, so get the hell out of here. Villa has become a very unorthodox forward since he moved to Barca and isn't as quick as he used to be, while Afellay is an absolute technical ninja. None of that shit, thanks.

Summer Transfers In

Kevin Davies from Bolton, £975k

Michael Owen from Man United, £1.1m

Marco Materazzi, free transfer

El-Hadji Diouf, free transfer

David Albelda from Valencia, £825k

Pippo Inzaghi from Milan, loan

Tony FUCKING Hibbert from Everyton, £6m

Christopher Samba from Venky's Drumstick Rovers, £23m

Paul Scharner from Roy Hodgson's Big Melty Face, £2.3m

Tim Cahill from Everton, £15m

Rory Delap from Stoke, £625k

Emile Heskey from Aston Villa, £3m

I had to bring in a couple of shithouses to play up front and Davies and Heskey seemed like natural choices (ended-up playing Chrissy Samba up-top a couple of times too, in true Big Sam fashion). Owen and Inzaghi would play as poachers, with Messi and Alexis Sanchez filling-in when required. In the middle, Albelda and Scharner would give me a couple of psychos, Delap would teach everyone how to towel a ball for 3 minutes then launch it into the box and Tim Cahill would run back and forth all game. At the back, Tony FUCKING Hibbert was the most unsophisticated full-back I could think of and Materazzi is pretty funny. Samba? BEAST. I signed Diouf because I felt the team needed more cunts.

I started out with the following XI: Valdes (sweepah keepah); Hibbert (defensive FB), Samba, Pique (limited defenders), Abidal (defensive FB); Pedro (winger), Mascherano (thug), Cahill (box-to-box), Messi (orthodox winger); Davies (target man), Owen (poacher).

Great start to the season. Lost the Super Cup to Real Bastard Madrid but won eight or our first nine league games without shipping a single goal. Qualified for the next round of the Champions League with ease but slowly fell behind Real Madrid in the league after draws with pish like Getafe and a loss to José's boys. By January we were three points adrift at the top and were 0-2 against Real.

January Transfers In

Leandro Damiao from Internacional, £20m

Giuseppe Rossi from Villarreal, £35m

Maor Melikson from Wisla, £3.7m

Because Barca are actually horrendous capitalist bastards they earn an absolute shedload of money every month, so the directors gave me a massive wedge to spend. I felt a bit dirty for signing direct replacements for Davies and Owen, but I wanted to win the league. Damiao was the best target man available (Drogba turned me down) and Rossi is just bloody awesome. Ultimate little man/big man combo, I thought. Melikson came in because Saint Diouf was getting a bit lippy after I fined him two weeks wages for having the audacity to score from 30 yards. Twat.

Things picked-up immediately. I started fucking people up more regularly and cruised into the CL quarter-final with a 4-0 aggregate tonking of Trabzonspor. I beat Arsenal in the semi-final first leg 3-0, but they trounced me by the same scoreline in the return leg and I went out on penalties. Soft-ass Pedro misssed the decisive spot kick, the cheb.

I played Real Madrid twice more before the end of the season, beating them 3-2 in the Cup (which I eventually won) and 1-0 in the league. I was top by one point with ten games to go, and this is how it ended up:-

Great record, really. I'm amazed we actually did it. I won La Liga, the Spanish Cup and the Club World Cup, but I wasn't happy at being knocked out of the CL by Arsenal (who finished ninth in the Premier League).

Best Players (10 games or more)

1. Leo Messi (7.49)

2. Christobeast Samba (7.31)

3. Gerard Pique (7.29)

4. Leandro Damiao (7.27)

5. Tony FUCKING Hibbert (7.26)

Messi and Pique were predictably brilliant in their limited roles, while Samba was an absolute monster at the back and scored 10 goals. My attack completely changed when Damiao came in: he's still a shithouse, but he's pretty quick as well. Tony Hibbert... pwopah playah.

Heskey, surprise surprise, was our worst player with a rating of 6.46.

Top Scorers

1. Messi (24 goals in 56 games)

2. Damiao (14 goals in 29 games)

3. Little Mickey Owen (11 goals in 32 games)

Messi is just brilliant and just does ridiculous things even when you ask him to play like Jermaine Pennant. 24 goals from a withdrawn LM position is just silly. Owen's 11 in 32 (only 18 starts) shows that in FM at least he's still a very effective poacher. Davies only scored nine (just one in the last five months) but his game has always been more about fouling people anyway.

My final conclusions:-

• The defence was ridiculously good. Valdes kept 40 clean sheets in all comps, and we only conceded 14 league goals. Samba is the perfect “smash it upfield” defender and Pique, for all his technical qualities, can be just as effective there. Abidal wasn't very good at LB but he's had a rough time so I kept him anyway, but Tony Hibbs just lahves it. Special player.
  
• We started to do a lot better attack-wise with Damiao in the team, but I feel his good movement stats undermined what I was doing. He's an excellent target man, yes, but he's also good with the ball at his feet. Not really what I wanted.
  
• Messi, too, was a pain in the arse. He was magnificent, but he kept cutting inside, shooting from range, play one-twos, etc. I tried to train all that fancy foreign rubbish out of him, but I was only half successful. Again, I feel that his invention undermined by quest to bring Hoofball to Catalonia.
  
• We scored lots of goals considering we only had four ways of scoring: set pieces, crosses, BIG HOOFS and Messi being naughty.
  
• Because scoring options are so limited, the tactic (very rigid, long passing, pressing, aggressive tackling, stick to positions, etc.) really struggles to break tough defences down. I had quite a few 0-0 draws against organised teams because my team just didn't have the invention to cut through them. This was to be expected.
  
• This tactic would've absolutely raped the league with a few tweaks. Freer full-backs, Pique as a ball-playing defender feeding a more technical midfielder than Cahill (who was utter balls btw) and we'd have probably dicked all competitions. Screw that though. Hoof or die.
  

To summarise, Project Hoof was a success, but I wish I'd pied Messi and kept Davies up front all season. That, in my opinion, would've been a truer test of my Barcelona's hoofing prowess. Still, I've learned that smashing the ball up to the big man is the way to go. Hoofball isn't a tactic, ladies and gents, it's a way of life, and one day we will all bow down and accept Tony Pulis as our overload.

A final chuckle from Project Hoof:-

Tony FUCKING Hibbert and Foosty Gambino (me), Barcelona Icons. God bless you, Tony P.