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Simpsons Quotes


Soda Jerk

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That bit is probably the best Troy McClure moment.

Jimmy: Uhh, Mr. McClure? I have a crazy friend who says its wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?

Troy: Nooo, just ignorant. You see your crazy friend never heard of "The Food Chain". Just ask this scientician.

Scientician: Uhhh...

Troy: He'll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bart The Fink, Season 7, is the best episode ever.

Cayman Islands Bank Manager: I'm sorry, I can't disclose any information about that customer's secret, illegal account.

[hangs up]

Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal!

[sits back, fanning himself]

Ah, it's too hot here.

Man in bank: ... and you'll find that saving for your future is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.

Bart: Really? Wow, I should have started a long time ago!

Man in bank: Mm-hmm. Now fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.

Clerk: Gosh, I'm sorry, I meant to tell you - turns out Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history, and they nailed him, all thanks to you. Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, however, I love Krusty.

Krusty: Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed.

Auctioneer: How much for Krusty's bed?

Moe: Half a buck.

Auctioneer: Sold!

Moe: Good night everybody!

Everybody: Good night Moe!

Bart: I can't believe Krusty is really gone.

Homer: Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's in heaven right now laughing it up with the other celebrities. John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Josef Stalin... [sighs] I wish I were dead.

Troy McClure: Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting shivah at the friar's club at 7:00 and again at 10. You must be over 18 for the 10:00. It gets a little blue.

Bart: Dr. Hibbert, who was that man?

Hibbert: Why, Bart, telling you that would violate the patient-doctor privilege, just as if I were to tell you that Jasper here has five seconds to live.

Jasper: What did he say?

Mrs. Glick: He said I'm next!

Rory: I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you! And I got some real corroborating evidence, over here, by the throttle!

[turns the ship up to full throttle and tries to get away, but his ship is still tied to the dock]

You know, you kids coulda said something instead of letting me make an ass of myself.

Rory: All that high living just distracted me from my true calling in life: salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron.

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I watched Bart After Dark yesterday. So many great gags.

Announcer: We interrupt this cartoon for a special report.

Homer: [gasps] Someone found my keys!

Brockman: A clean-up effort is already underway, and as always, the

first to pitch in are those unsung heroes, Hollywood movie

stars.

Milhouse: You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the

brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of other

zombies to create a race of super-zombies.

Nelson: That's the house?!

Ned: Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a

twinkle while we knock down your house?

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Homerpalooza has all the best lines.

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, Smashin Pumpkins."

Homer: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

-----

Homer: "You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide."

-----

Lisa: "Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people."

Homer: "Hey, a freak show!"

-----

Freak Show Manager: "Homer, nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks. I'm sending you to a vet."

-----

Homer: "Die? Well, you don't scare me, doc, 'cos dying would be a stone groove. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?"

Vet: "Yes: Pick up your puppy."

Rover_Hendrix.png

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Marge: Hmm...

Guard: [laughs] There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and

Scratchy Land we're just as concerned about violence as you are.

That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of

deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.

Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV that mouse pulled out

that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next

scene the cat was breathing comfortably.

Guard: Just like in real life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir

Mr. Burns: Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket.

Smithers: You don't have to tell me sir.

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Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?

Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?

Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Principal Skinner: Yes.

Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?

Principal Skinner: No.

Homer in distress: "Jesus, Allah, Buddah, I love you all!!"

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