Football Manager 2012

[delboy]

the system I been using has worked for the two smaller clubs I played on this game, confident I can rip up the league and champions league as well, might take a bit of time but the plan is to dominate!!!!

[waltz]

I hate Stoke City, by the way. Just generally - but that sounds like an interesting FM challenge.

Project: Make Stoke Likeable

It's so fun, but it's come at a time when I'm genuinely quite busy in real life. Such a shame.

[Moose]

It's so fun, but it's come at a time when I'm genuinely quite busy in real life. Such a shame.

Yeah, I've had to start sacrificing sleep to do it. Been on my ass the last two days with an injury though so got quite a lot done. Watched that Game of Thrones thing, and a whole lot of porn too. Back to boring old work tomorrow though.

[Lemonade]

I got ten games into my Bradford game and I'm showing Played 10, won 0, drew 3, lost 7. Gave up. Back to Arsenal game.

[delboy]

ooh there is nothing worse than an appalling run, I only had the one on this game where I took Cambridge from a position of relative safety, went 14 or so games without a win and only escaped relegation by the skin of me teeth!

[Soda Jerk]

The Big Bastard reign is over.

3 years, 2 back to back promotions, and a top half Bundesliga finish. I'm a living legend already. I have it on good authority they are changing the name of the German domestic top flight to the BASTARDLEAGUE. With an overall win percentage of 73% in my 1083 day reign in the putrid village of Weisbaden, I'm untouchable. I gathered all the fans together in the BASTARD Arena, and through a mega-phone, I said completely and truly whole-heartedly "You're fucking welcome" and left without even a wave.

A few choices to make here. Bremen got relegated, because they are fucking toss, and HSV looks like HIV, so they can both get my generic "Thanks but no thanks, fuckos" compliment slip in the post. The Bayern job was a tougher choice, but I mustered up the courage to get Karl-Heinz Rummenigge on the blower to tell him he can shove his glamour job up his arse. It's not about the money. It's about taking the power from the elite and giving it the boot, like Robin motherfucking Hood. I've got no interest in being within 20 feet of Franck Ribery's face at any time either, so I gracefully retired Big Bastard to football management folklore. I achieved what I wanted. It wasn't about trophies. It was about building a team, and keeping the big boys at bay, climbing the ladder, and establishing stability. I dragged a shitheap out of the toilet and into stardom. My 7th place finish earned the club a tidy £21million. Wedge from my graft. As I mentioned... You're fucking welcome.

Here's the damage:

There were some heart-breaking lows:

That was excruciating, but perhaps I was naive. All out attack away from home? 1 striker, 2 attacking wingers and 2 attacking midfielders... Some would call it suicide. Fuck those prissy cunts. You don't win unless you have a go. The board went nuts, but I gave no fucks.

There were some highs too. This was amazing:

4-1 down at half time, they had 72% possession at the halfway point, and I'd only had 1 shot at goal, which missed the target. I took some risks, switched to the back 3 which saw me explode through Division 2 and 3 like it was childsplay. Brought on another striker, meaning I had 4 all-out-attackers on the pitch. They couldn't get the ball off us. 3 goals in less than 20 mins to bring me back to level pegging. My players were absolutely twatted, so I had to reel in the tactics a bit. Contained and played out for a draw, Mourinho style. Stuttgart. Shittgart. HAVE THAT! When that equalizer went in, I leapt up into the air and gave it a load of this:

It was a wild ride. I did alot of yelling, sacked a few players for giving me a bit of mouth, or not being in utmost awe of my earth-shattering discipline. Nurtured a few Division 3 players to be good enough to compete with the Bayerns and Dortmunds and all the other moneyhungry shitpiles from the top flight. I couldn't possily take them to the next level, because I don't care about success. I just want to prove a point by being a relentless cunt, and making the rest of the football world FEAR me. Which they did.

The fans didn't take the news too well.

Banner reads: "If Big Bastard goes, then we go too"

I taught them well.

[delboy]

a good start to my tenure at Bayern, three thumping wins out of three including dicking Monaco to get out my champions league group. As I predicted I would have to spend silly money on a player. Not a single fucking right midfielder, found two promising kids in the youth team both of whom have been promoted to the first team but on looking about the only decent option right midfielder wise is a 29 year old Czech Republic international and I have signed him for a cool 34 million quid from West Ham, dunno how the fans will react as the window doesn't open for a couple of weeks. Got quite a lot of ageing overpaid players, thankfully a lot of their contracts run out at the end of the season.

The rest of my budget is going on promising youngsters and will be more prudent with my spending but a right midfielder was a must so had to pay over the odds for one, this fucker better be good!!!

[Soda Jerk]

Spent the past few days trawling the lists of playable leagues in FM to decide who my next project could be. I've done the keeping-a-good-team-good with Manchester United, which was a total piece of piss. And I grabbed hold of a shithole of a team and dragged them from the putrid pit of lower league football into the top flight, and making them rich as fuck in the process. Now it's time for a rescue mission. Taking a team of world wide repute, who have taken a severe yet temporary fall from grace, and get them back where they belong, by any means necessary.

Club Athletico River Plate

Despite being Argentina's most successful club domestically with 33 league titles, they have fallen from grace with a recent relegation. Their chairman abandoned the club, saddling them with $75million of debt which he was in the process of managing by the means of a lucrative takeover, which didn't happen. The stringency that resulted from the debt meant the club had little control over their fate, and they plummeted, and faced the risk of liquidation. Argentinian football is a complicated and unorthadox system whereby relegation is settled by a two-legged playoff with the team battling for promotion from the tier below. Unruly riots broke out in the stadium before the second leg had even finished. Relegation was imminent, for the first time in their 110 year history. The debt has a stranglehold on the club, as financial fair play is at a much more prominent forefront of South American football than in Europe, only allowing clubs to spend what they have available. I don't know how much of this Football Manager will take into account yet...

Some jabber about how ridiculous South American football is, if you're at all interested:

The South American football system is completely different to the European game. The season is split into two halves in a league of 20 clubs. After the first round of 19 games are played (one game against every other team in the league) the team with the best record at the end of the 19 games wins a title. The Apertura (The Opening Tournament). Then, the second half of the fixture list is completed, but all points and statistics are reset to zero, and the team with the best record in the second half of the season wins a title. The Clausura (The Closing Tournament). Two titles up for grabs each year, and both are equally as respected as the other, and both count just as much as legitimate title wins. I knew there was a split of some kind, but I didn't know it resulted in two titles. It also seems most difficult for a small club to ever become a big club due to the back-slapping and favouritism of the big clubs. The two Buenos Aires giants, Boca Juniors and River Plate don't have to qualify for the Copa Libertadores (South American Champions League) by league position. They are invited by the governing body, CONMEBOL, purely for being reputable and successful clubs, and take two spaces from Argentina's top flight qualifying co-efficient, something which still continues even though River Plate have been relegated.

The lads:

The 12th man, giving no fucks about namby pamby barbed wire

One major difference between European football, and South American football, is that these mental Argies don't seem to give a stuff whether or not they can see the game. Just as long as they get to make a fuckload of mess and start some fires:

This is the tinpot shed we'll be playing our home games:

Apparently some nobody band called the RAMONES played here in the early 80's, selling the place out. And Roger Waters is going to be playing THE WALL here 9 nights in a row later this year! You wouldn't get that at the fucking Camp Nou. Or would you? I don't know. I don't really care.

Anyway. Fuck the debt. It's time to get back on top, with the help of this guy:

David Trezeguet. River Plate recently signed him for the new season, and I've started this game at the right side of the January transfers update. He's going to take the fucking piss. He's taken a massive paycut, purely for the love of the game. What an absolute gent. I'll send him off to retirement with a couple more medals.

[The Milner]

Does Trezeguet start there or did you manage to sign him? Its not easy to get European players to move to south america, the game is coded that way. Impressive!!

[FOX]

He's there already, River Plate signed him in 2011 I think?

[Lemonade]

I think Trezeguet was actually born in Argentina wasn't he?

[Adam Easy Wishes]

Good knowledge.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Trezeguet

[Moose]

He was born in France bit grew up in Argentina.

[Soda Jerk]

He's there already, River Plate signed him in 2011 I think?

He's only just recently signed, January 2012, or possibly even December 2011. In real life already scored 7 in 8 games. I've only got him due to the January window update. I wouldn't have him otherwise, with the default squads that come with the game.

[Flights]

I've been floating around clubs recently after my venture to Brazil. After a disastrous spell at Arsenal I've wound up being the manager of Newport County. Shite team apart from a striker who likes to score a hat trick as often as possible. Tekkers. I'll post a proper progress report once I get home tonight with glossy photos and the like.

[Soda Jerk]

How did the stint in Brazil go?

[Flights]

Pish, utterly pish. Came back with a lovely tan though. Started off well enough but the seasons are LONG. So much football! Pretty similar to the set up in Argie with the promotions and regulation rules. Got loads and loads of injuries mid way through the season and the teams morale took a big hit when the goalie started demanding a 40k a week payrise. When I dismissed his demands the whole team went mental. Prima donnas! They fucking hated me until I got a lifeline in the shape of the Arsenal job. No idea who the manager was prior to me but they made a mess of that team!

Good luck with River Plate, those South Americans are a big bunch o bastards! A big bunch of football mad, violence loving, cocaine growing bastards!

[Flights]

Just caught my boss having an epic FM sesh. He's having a stab at the Euro Cup with Dundee. It's not going well for him!

[Soda Jerk]

Milner was right. Signing players as a South American club is difficult, even from other South American clubs. They all want to play in Europe. As soon as I started the game, Trezeguet started throwing a wobbler because I wouldn't let him speak to Real Betis. I eventually let him fuck off. Luckily, I've got a bunch of kids who are pretty neat. I can probably get a couple of seasons out of them before they want to fuck off to Chelsea.

Just smashed Sunderland 5-1 in a friendly, after losing to Bayern Munich 1-0 even though I bossed that game like fuck. Going well so far.

[Flights]

Looking through my bosses Dundee team. His captain? Sol fucking Campbell!!

[FOX]

Ross County are UP. Not a clue why the media hate us so much, assuming we'll finish 7th. Wasn't even simming the games and we pipped Partick on the last game of the season - 3-2 - to land a place in the SPL.

Got shanked 2-0 to Celtic in the Scottish Cup semis, and was knocked out of the League Cup by Raith after a paltry performance so can't complain too much. The Challenge Cup is mine though, fuckers.

Just landed Billy Mehmet on a free, who for some reason has some crazy name written in as a "birth name" even though I'm fairly sure "Billy Mehmet" is his actual name. It makes it say "Billy Mehmet" everywhere instead of just "Mehmet" which is a bit annoying, but whatever.

Celtic punted us from our status as feeder club as soon as we went up. Obviously scared. Without consultation my chairman goes "oh well, we'll nab you Birmingham instead" so got Akwasi Asante in for nout. He's decent, but obviously only about 19 so not expecting too much. Good partner for Colin "The Beast" McMenamin like.

[Flights]

As touched on before, I had a dire stint in Brazil. I started off really well but then this big fucker threw a spanner in the works.

He threw the dummy out and started wanting more wages, a lot more fucking wages. 40k more a week! I told him to ram it up his balding arse but he took a huff. Somehow the prick got the media AND the rest of the team on his side. I was doing alright in the league and my Brazilian cup win meant the board weren't baying for my blood yet. I thought I'll stick this out, punt this twat on the transfer list but nobody wanted him because he was asking for way too much wages!! The teams morale was rock bottom and the lads weren't really listening to me so I decided to check what other jobs were out there. I applied for two jobs. One closer to home at Inverness CT who were floating just above relegation and 7th place Arsenal. I got offered both jobs and I went with Arsenal. God knows why.

When I arrived at Arsenal the only name that I recognised from the current Arsenal team was van Persie. The rest of the team were fucking useless. All of them were either the wrong side of 35 or too young to buy a pint and a tittie dance. Shocking.

First couple of games were good but then, massive footballing cunts Liverpool caused me some serious grief. Big Stevie G destroyed van Persie with a tackle that would put most NFL stars to shame. The result? van Persie being sidelined for 18 months with spinal damage!!!

I soldiered on the best I could with my toilet Arsenal team until I got a cheeky job offer halfway through the season.

Newport County AFC offered me a job. Fuck knows why but I was glad to get the fuck out of the Emirates and into Wales. Time to show these sheep shagging, double dutch speaking, leek scoffing scallywags how to punt a ball around.

I decided to see how these boys played Football so I changed the tactics about. After changing the formation from a 5-3-2 defensive build to the classic 4-4-2 setup, I switched the teams focus from defense to attack. Fuck playing safe, get the ball up the park and score goals. My first game in charge came around and we set about Forest Green Rovers. We demolished them. 5-0 was the score and it was all down to this wee bugger...

He may look like a JLS reject but young Elliott Buchanan here hoofed in four mighty goals against FGR.

Turns out that this handsome wee chap is quite the goal machine so I made some changes to the teams tactics that basically mean if someone gets the ball they pass it him or someone that can pass to him. Goals galore! Thanks to Big Phil's shake ups Newport are now up from 18th place in the Blue Square Premier league to a respectable 7th place. All whilst scoring crazy goals and showing off some off that flair I picked up in Brazil. Long balls, lots of crosses, crazy pressing and committed tackling. I just picked up a saucy free transfer on a regen striker with stats that would make a cockney gangster weep.

Newport seem pretty chuffed with me so far and I'm pretty chuffed with Newport. They've actually got a decent team for the level of Football they are playing. A lot of them need a fair bit of playing time to develop but in a league with 24 teams there is plenty of that going around.

All I need to do know is shag a glamour model and shag my brothers wife and I'll be as Welsh as the valleys.

YAS!

[FOX]

Hold on, spinal damage!?! Jesus fucking Christ, here's me moaning about Iain Vigurs' broken ankle!

[Flights]

Aye persie felt the full force of big stevie g

[Soda Jerk]

No money to spend with River, and even free agents/bosmans are hard to convince, so I'm filling the backroom with superstars, to inspire the River academy graduates to become global football powerhouses.

Goalkeeping coach:

And two scouts, who have enough football ability between them to be able to spot it in a blossoming youngster.

Free transfers are handy. Guess who just got released? Class of 93 River Plate academy graduate, Serie A journeyman and one-time Chelsea striker... HERNAN CRESPO!

36 years of age, but his stats are still great. I could get another season or two out of him. The fans love him, and he's got a knack for playing for the same club twice. Parma, Inter, and now River Plate for a second time.