Jump to content
aberdeen-music
Guest idol_wild

Pet Hates!

Recommended Posts

On 13 February 2016 at 10:19 PM, Jaaakkkeee said:

I think it's just dry skin but as I wank more it turns in to little cuts and then they obviously scab over a little making it horrible pain to pee or wash due to me ripping open the cuts every time I pull back. I'm not sure if that counts as some sort of addiction. I'm just bored, so I wank, a lot.

...

 

that is not normal 

 

doctor, you need a doctor

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fuck that did take a turn. I mean I do have that appointment but I can laugh at myself. Thanks for the well wishes though, really.

 

Ps it's healed and last night was successful. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AGFW strikes again...

So, after a database transfer with some work stuff, we need to recover legacy user accounts, meaning we need to dos a password reset, since the transfer was a bit...wonky. However, it's as simple as just resetting your password like you would anywhere else. TL;DR - Bloke at work needed help to reset a password...

So, since he can't seem to do this, I go over to his desk, tell him where to go. And we get to a page with a single line of text that says (paraphrased) "Click here to recover your password." Which is linked. Its the only link on the page.

He runs his mouse cursor over it as if he's reading it then just stops and goes... "ugh. what now?"

CLICK THE ONE FUCKING LINK ON THE PAGE THAT SAYS IT DOES EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO MAYBE?!?!!?!

I want to get off the world.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have an AGFW like Teabags does! Also, amusingly, her initials are AG.

To give you some context, she is in her early 30s but speaks as though she was raised by grandparents, y’know, like she has a really old way with words. She also volunteers with kids in her spare time, so has this mega-weird way of speaking to you like she’s trying to be your teacher, your mum, your friend and your boss all rolled into one irritating human being. She thinks she knows EVERYTHING but is totally misinformed about a lot of stuff, so I’ve stolen a Homer Simpson-ism for my description of her: a know-nothing know-it-all. I don’t mind stupid people, but stupid people who think they are smart are tragic. She doesn’t seem to have her own opinions, just phrases she’s clearly heard other people say before, but she hasn't listened to what they've followed them up with (eg: me and my boss were talking about the monarchy and how they should do away with it and just have a fictional royal family, because it’d save money but tourists would still come to look at the palaces and things. I said something about waiting for the day when we become a republic and she butted in, “But think about it, would you really want David Cameron as your President?” What does that even mean? I don’t want him as my Prime Minister, what difference would him being President make? She didn’t have an answer for me.) I’m usually really polite to people. Tediously polite. Generally, I have a lot of patience but not with her. I think I may even come across as, god forbid, rude at times. My relationship with her is now basically me just correcting things she comes out with. 
She is my opposite in every way. Other than gender (I assume), I have yet to find one thing we have in common. It got to the point that once in the break room, she asked what I had for lunch and when I told her it was something with chillies in it and she said, “Oh, I don’t really like spicy food.” I walked out the door sighing and said audibly, “Of course you don’t.”
She has a story for everything and you can’t have a conversation with anybody else without her steamrolling all over it to talk about something she’s done or somebody she knows. And she always knows better than you do. Pretty quickly, she’ll go off on such a tangent that everybody has stopped listening.
I imagine if I asked her what kind of music she likes, she’d probably say, “I don’t really like music.”
She is very vocal in being “one of the lads”, to the point where I don’t think she likes other women much. You know when people sort of give off a Clarkson vibe? She’s like that mixed with Alan Partridge. She does this thing that I’ve noticed a lot of people, mainly older women, in the central belt do, which is when they’re introducing a woman in a story who we aren’t supposed to like, they’ll say, “Then this FEmale comes along” in a really scornful way, as if it’s a dirty word. It’s so weird.
She uses the word ‘banter’ a lot and goes on about how great her ‘banter’ with various male family members is and then catches herself out by trying to give an example of some great back-and-forth that she’s had with a cousin or somebody, but can’t think of one quickly enough so it’ll be something along the lines of, “Oh, we REALLY wind each other up. He’s like ‘You’re an idiot.’ And I’m like ‘I know you are, but what am I?’”  She’ll tell a story about people she knows and say things like, “So, I was with my cousins. Well, I say cousins but what I really mean is my God-mother’s son and daughter-in-law" so she has this never-ending family tree. Recently she told a story about one of her male cousins, who is the same age as her and isn’t actually her cousin and the great banter they have, constantly winding each other up. She told a story about how when they were both 19, he’d joined the army so she hadn’t seen him for a while but they were reunited at his parents’ place and ended up having a tickle fight. Then his girlfriend, who AGFW had never met before, walked in on them and got understandably weirded out by it. AGFW ended up getting on her high horse about that and was a dick to her, refusing to see the problem and making out that it was a totally normal thing for two grown-ups to be doing. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Danny and his sister have a freakishly close relationship and wrestle.
TL;DR: She's the worst and I think Ricky Gervais might have created her.

Anyway, I’ve been keeping a draft in my email of dumb stuff she comes out with or just anything I find particularly annoying. Thinking of releasing it as a book.

HER: “I made a massive faux-par (sic), did I tell you? Well, you know that meeting yesterday I thought was today?”
ME: (No) “Yeah..?”
HER: “It turns out it’s tomorrow. I just saw the suggested dates were the 2nd and 3rd but they’ve gone with the 3rd. I’m not having a good day!”
(That isn’t a faux-pas. You’ve half-learned how to pronounce faux-pas but don’t know how to use it properly in a sentence.)

“I think I might have just put the bat amongst the pigeons.” (I genuinely think she might have just had a slip of the tongue with this one when she tried to talk too fast, because later she also said “I’ve put the cat apung the pigeons.”)

“It is rather quite funny. Let’s be honest.”

Baba O’Riley had been on the radio for two minutes. Suddenly, she exclaimed, “BAYWATCH!” 
We blinked in her direction, confused.
HER: “It’s the theme from Baywatch.”
ME: “It’s The Who.”
HER: “I’m pretty sure it is.”
ME: “I think you’re thinking of something else...”

“That’s definitely FUBAR-d”

Another colleague offered me a can of that compressed air with one of those nozzles in case I wanted to clean out my keyboard. Having done this the day before, I declined.
ME: “It’s alright.”
AGFW: “Ha, you're like ‘Nah, it’s okay’!”
(Yep. Yep, I am like that.)

My colleague from South Africa told us about a drink from there called Mampoer and how she got to sample some homemade stuff last time she was back home.
AGFW: “Is it like that Sunshine stuff?”
COLLEAGUE: “I don’t know what that is.”
AGFW: “Like, a really strong homemade drink that can make you go blind.”
ME: “Moonshine?”

AGFW: “Here’s a bit of useless trivia for you – New York City is not in the state of New York.”
ME: “Yes it is.”
(She had been on Google Maps and looked at it wrongly.)

Once she had a Cream Egg at her desk and mentioned that she knew the barcode off by heart. I second-guessed her and hoped that she wouldn't tell a story if I said, "Oh, did you used to work in a shop and would have to look it up as the foil would fold over and the barcode couldn't be read by the machine?" It didn't work. She repeated back what I'd just said in different words, told me about how she goes into shops sometimes and will quote the number to staff members, if she's buying one, before they go to look it up (ugh). She then said, "It's a good bit of useless trivia for pub quizzes." When would that EVER come up in a pub quiz? I asked her this and she tried to back out of it and used the phrase "general knowledge". That isn't general knowledge. That is very specific knowledge.

She referred to Bristo Square in Edinburgh, twice, as Bisto Square. BISTO. As in “Aaaah, Bisto”

“Dreams are just your unconscious.”

  • Upvote 13

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, ca_gere said:

Great post, would read again.

Is she the same person you've quoted in the social network thread?

 

Unbelievably, they are two separate entities! I have to put up with this one's crap every day, though, so for the time being she is more fruitful. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great post.

When working alongside stupid people, I always wonder just how they got the job. To start with, their application had to stand out among a shortlist of possibly 100s, and then they had to be the best candidate of those who interviewed. How do stupid people keep finding work? There's recruitment processes in place to keep them out.

I work with two utterly hopeless human beings. Borderline illiterate, dim, no initiative, both in their 20s but have the minds of children. If those two were the best of the applicants and interviewees when the job was advertised, that particular vacancy's shortlist must have looked like a list of the world's most pointless and expendable people. If the government ever decided the country was too full, and they needed to lighten the load by a couple of hundred people, I think they'd just round up everyone on that shortlist, put them in a rocket and shoot them into the sun.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One mustn't under-estimate the importance of nepotism in the plight of the idiot. I was once 'forced' to hire an intern who was the boss's friend's son. The kid was a total brick and not even the plucky hard-working kind. The privileged work-shy kind - which is the worst kind of idiot. He's probably now running a hedge fund or something now, which is the saddest part. The world isn't run on merit - and that extends from top-to-bottom. You could be perfectly qualified and able for a job, but it just takes one cunt to 'put a word in' for their gormless nephew and you're fucked.

I'm actually pretty happy with my workies just now. I can't say I have a current AGFW. We've gotten rid of a few people recently and I don't feel bad about it in the slightest - one was a moron (albeit a very nice one) who needed things explained 5 times before understanding half of it and still doing something different anyway. Another just didn't do any work. It was incredible how long he got away with it. He was due to be fired on friday but didn't turn up, so it was a monday morning job.

The more i think about it, the more admiration I have for the last guy actually. He basically George Costanza'd us. You'd suddenly think 'where's Name?' and everyone would kind of shrug because he was sick/had car troubles/worked from home so much that he became a ghost with no dependency.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, kirsten said:

AGFW: “Is it like that Sunshine stuff?”
COLLEAGUE: “I don’t know what that is.”
AGFW: “Like, a really strong homemade drink that can make you go blind.”
ME: “Moonshine?”

I laughed stupidly loud. Like...my neighbours must think I am insane. 

This is literally FE-male AGFW. AFFW? Possibly. Too good. Fuck, I'm glad I'm not the only one. 

Thank you for that post. I'm smiling so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, I went down to London for a work course at the end of last week. Just me and AGFW. I don't know if I can write up all the things throughout it that made me want to stab myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My AGFWs are just kinda racist. There are a few foreign lads in the office, Spaniard, Portuguese, Russian and Polish among them. The Russian and the Pole were talking about how to pronounce Nigeria. It just devolved into the two of them saying the n-word with various inflections and laughing hysterically about it. RGFW.

 

xx

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually, another AGFW went in to one of those completely unsolicited DAMN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS rants the other day. His example of political correctness gone mad was being asked to use gender-neutral pronouns when talking about/to someone transgender or where he wasn't sure of what their preferred gender pronouns might be.

 

xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a second AGFW, but he's annoying in a completely different way. He's just a fucking arsehole. However, I can deal with him a shit ton better than AGFW, becasue I just tell him he's an arsehole. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, kirsten said:

Anyway, I’ve been keeping a draft in my email of dumb stuff she comes out with or just anything I find particularly annoying. Thinking of releasing it as a book.

I was thinking about doing a tumblr...or twitter of things that happen. Would have to be tumblr, cos you can't fit that much stupid into 140 characters. Maybe we should combine forces.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I too have an AGFW! Well she isn't that annoying in fairness, she's just really really exceptionally dumb. I also have a selection of my favourite quotes of hers in my email drafts. Her worst traits are that she tries to use professional language while in the office and especially when talking to clients on the phone, but she just uses words that she's heard other people use, and she doesn't know what they mean, so she uses them all in the wrong context, which is hilarious. And about 20 times a day she tells customers she's going to put them through to their sales rep, but she always says she's putting them through to one of our "Sales Representations". I should correct her but it makes me laugh so much. She waffles in between it all as well, until people on the phone have no idea what she's talking about. She kind of confuses them in to submission. I've never met anyone who butchers the English language quite like her. This is an snippet from an email she sent to a major customer:

Quote

 

I deeply apologies for our query not be brought to our teams attention sooner. I can insure you that our query has been handed correctly and has now has gone through the correct producer in order to approve this payment to you. 28 days is only a timescale period given to all customers depending on the evidences provided over to this department for payment.

Going forward from this matter, any queries you need to address to us please could you forward to the Customer Services team and one of the member of the team will handy your query in a professional manner.  

 

She also totally butchers metaphors, which is a constant source of amusement. Some quotes from her in the past few weeks:

We need to get on top of the gameball

He's a dark fox

She's clueless as a breeze

The clue is in the pudding

She does have all her outgoing phone conversations on speakerphone. That's fucking annoying. Just pick up the receiver.

Edited by Lemonade
  • Upvote 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...