Sue Denim..

I remember the one... How do you make a Ouija Board? Take away his Buckfast and Fags! Sue

I'm at work so this is what I have on me in my overalls; Screwdriver Snips 4mm & 5mm Allen Keys Box Spanner Notepad Watchmakers Screwdriver set Small torch Small Spanner Emergency Instructions Card Rennie Rapeze Small map of Europe 2 Biros 1 Black Marker 1 Pencil Terminal Screwdriver. Pair of gloves in back pocket. Sue.

Are you drunk?

But there was an advert on these lines when 'Black Velvet' fabric softener came out. Sue

You've got it in one. Secondly, you can buy dye from John Lewis' that you just shove into the washing machine with salt. Purple however is a different matter altogether..... Sue

RISCO's software, that's the way ahead. Sue

I don't know about the programming of it but it is a fantastic bit of kit. We use it in conjunction with a portable handset offshore to gather data from various bits of machinery. Prolog Rocks! ...... If you're a boring cunt and like that sort of thing. Sue.

More of a FOX.

Actually the above was just a lie. .... us goths, sick as fuck we are.

A FREE pint!.... I'm JP. And so is my wife! Sue. ......Maybe, the saviour of the night was that famous fighter JP... John Prescott. Well he has form with his fists you know.

I think you have to see the Ned / Chav top trumps.... Sue http://www.office-humour.co.uk/item.cfm?itm=1791

Babies make great smoke filters though! Sue

Try walking in wearing all black with a long ginger wig on and a false handlebar moustache calling yourself 'Carl'. It might work. Sue.

How about having to live the rest of your short life in a wheelchair after falling off a horse whilst being famous for being Superman? Sue

Are you talking about the mini halogen lights that run on 12 or 24 volts? They normally come with a transformer so that they can be wired into the mains? Sue

FACT: Three years ago Aberdeen was declared a 'homeless free' city because they did a cencus at Christmas time in the hostels. No-one checked in over the festive season. AT ANY HOSTEL. Personally I cannot wait until the law takes these beggars off our streets and I for one will ensure that If I come across one when the new Aberdeen by-law comes into force I will have the law come down on them. Be aware, it is also an offence to sit and beg next to a cash machine and the police are only too willing to move them on. Sue. And if anyone takes offence to this message then sod you. I for one would like to see my city free of people wanting something for nothing and making 18,000 (Evening express source) per annum for praying on the guillable.

Thanks, It wasn't much of a birthday offshore as it's best not to tell anyone, however, my boss is off sick and I wasn't doing much work so what more can I ask for. Pity I missed the HIM gig but I'm sure Lisa will fill me in with all the details when she sobers up.. Carl.

Hmmmm, inflammation of the testicles eh? Are you sure you haven't had this a while?