TelecasterSam Posted January 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 Oh, come on Jan.....These jokes are not mine....and I did say they wern't exactly PC, and I meant NO offence to the Irish... Lighten up!!revised :John and Bob go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! John missed the tube and Bob came on the bus!A Muslim was sitting next to a bloke on a plane. The bloke ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"The bloke then handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"A guy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"The guy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"Two couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, One guy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"A bloke takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?""Yeah," says the bloke. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"A man and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. The man says "To hell with this!" and storms off.He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"The man replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"A local farmer is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Bloody Hell!" he says, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"John and Bob are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery. John says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"Bob says "What's his name ?"John replies "Miles, from London!" Happy now????(I have a father, by the way... he's 89) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 Oh, come on Jan.....These jokes are not mine....and I did say they wern't exactly PC, and I meant NO offence to the Irish... Lighten up!!I was offended. These jokes perpetuate stereotypes, even if they are just meant in fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted January 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Jeez..... I KNEW that was gonna happen.....Any Bobs offended too ??? o_O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Jeez..... I KNEW that was gonna happen.....Any Bobs offended too ??? o_OI love you, Telecaster Sam. You used to unfuriate me (well, as much as anyone on a forum can) but now I think you're just fucking hilarious. Properly. Everytime I see you've just posted something I can't wait to see what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted January 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Thank You...... Just here to brighten everyones Forum surfing................by putting my size tens in my gob, from time to time.... I can't help being such a nob !!but I'm a nice, OK, kind o guy....really!anyway.... I'm away to my bed....gnight! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted January 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 I wasn't actually offended. My name is shit.seems to me that Jan is SO uptight, that he probably squeaks when he walks.... just kidding! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 I just had my dreams crushed when I found out that the newspaper headline "Village still looking for violent pedophile" wasn't a job advert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda Jerk Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 You didn't revise Muslim? You should have changed it to "No-necked, X'd up Straight Edge lunatic" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistersticks Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 just to raise the tone again:why do cows wear bells?because their horns don't work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted January 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't black and I can assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Motleyal Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Police in Angola have named an early suspect in the Togo Team bus Attack.With 300 shots but only three on target, police are desperate to speak to darren Mackie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatboy Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 i must say, i feel sorry for the poor cunts in taiti, after 30 aftershocks i cant find my house either Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Highlander Posted January 15, 2010 Report Share Posted January 15, 2010 i must say, i feel sorry for the poor cunts in Haiti, after 30 aftershocks i cant find my house eitherIs it too early to joke about Haiti? Or should we wait for the dust to settle? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy_purple_girl Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 why did the mushroom go to the party? because he was a fungi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelecasterSam Posted January 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom........ I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 Rabbie Burns lost poem JIM O SHACHTER Intae the wids amongst the trees Jim bared his erse, his cheeks tae ease Nae sooner had his breeks gan doon Than shity flees were swarmin roon Intae the wind he bared his baws And frae his erse a big keech faws The reek it curled amongst the trees Twis enough tae mak the birdies sneeze An a the beasts in burn and ditch Got a whiff o something awfy rich Big Jim he wis in awfy pain It came out his erse like a nine pun wean There wis a tear faw fae his ee Fur a bigger shite you'd never see Big Jims erse wis raw and sair Says Big Jim I'll shite nae mair Yonder it lay among the grit A steemin, stinkin muckle shit There it lay sae soft sae fresh Nae hair ,nae teeth, nae brains, nae flesh Tae wipe his erse Jim yaised a docken While a aroon the birds were boacken Jim happed it ower wi stanes and stoor Then sauntered off across the moor A wee bit quicker wi bein sae light Efter riddin himself o that muckle shite Noo a've telt ye this tale for a wee bit laughter A tale ye can tell for ever after A tell ye noo, a swear its true The tale o Jim o Shachter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 Jack and Jill went up the hillSo Jack could touch Jills FannyJack got a shockand a handfull of c*ck..caus Jills a pre-op Trannymary had a little lambhis name was little ralfbut now hes on a burning heapbecause of foot n mouthmary had a little lamb which ran into a pylon twelve-thousand volts went up its assand turned its wool to nylon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fertuiee Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 This is one of my all time favourites Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HARLEY BENTON Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 true?i stayed in a hotel at the weekend and since the wife and kids were with me i asked the receptionist if the porn channels were disabled.she said no there normal porn you sick bastard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig C Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 What do you call a man standing in a pile of leaves?Russel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted January 26, 2010 Report Share Posted January 26, 2010 Bloke walks up to the bar and says "Give me 12 pints of anything apart from Stella!""Whats wrong with Stella? asks the Barman""I had 12 Pints last night and woke up fucking skint!"replies the man"Well" the barman says "12 pints of anything will cost roughly the same as 12 pints of Stella!""You dont understand" replies the man "Skint is the name of my Dog!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teabags Posted January 27, 2010 Report Share Posted January 27, 2010 I hated paying 1.50 a minute on the phone to wank over sex stories. So I got a job at ChildLine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted January 27, 2010 Report Share Posted January 27, 2010 What i dont get about sex phone lines is this..They advertise to make you come in less than 30seconds but charge you 3 a minute?... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted February 2, 2010 Report Share Posted February 2, 2010 The Tesco DoctorOne day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behindhim, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sampleand the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker andbetter than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for theurine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavyactivity. It will improve in two weeks'.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samplesfrom his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture forgood measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what wouldhappen.He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits theresults with a grin. The computer prints the following:1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow willnever get better.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LiamBrown Posted February 11, 2010 Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 can anyone tell me what john terry has done wrong?1st rule of defending, if the left or right back leaves a hole open, its the centre-backs job to fill it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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