SteveCrisis

A Scot Is Drinking In A Southampton Bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Scots father takes a slow swig from his Orkney Dark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "We had him circumcised".

Hopefully I'll finally get the chance to see Flaming Katy play. What time they likely to be on stage? I'm seeing Derren Brown at the Music Hall beforehand so won't be to The Moorings til after 10pm.

As a taig I was disappointed with Celtic's performance on Saturday. Dunfermline played with such passion they made the 'Tic look lacklustre. Credit where credit's due the Pars did good and were robbed.

Indeed - John Stanier is a fantastic drummer. As under-rated and overlooked as Brendan Canty is in my opinion. I couldn't get over the fact that he was using ride cymbals as splashes either, and neither could Jeff (Get Lost)! Helmet were brilliant up to and including Aftertaste. What is Page thinking? Size Matters was awful and Monochrome is diabolical. He's ruining the Helmet name.

Fugazi - Song Number 1

Huzzah! Another offal eater! Liver and bacon casserole when I visit my folks this weekend. I'm salivating already. Steaks for me have to be medium well. Venison is beautiful, especially with a red wine and shallot sauce. I'm probably going to rock the boat here but I'm partial to a nice bit of veal too.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

The Smiths - That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

So it's a braille edition you've got? Soz - couldn't resist. I'm currently reading The Court Of The Air by Stephen Hunt. next on the hit-list is Mr. Timothy by Louis Bayard

True - But not excessively excessive. TPBM feels that punctuation is a necessary evil.

I saw this on Reporting Scotland yesterday evening. Moffat saying it was taken out of context. Sorry, love. But when you call a spade a spade you can't take the easy way out. And from the Scotsman: However, last night Ms Moffat said: "I have no intention of apologising. What I didn't do was compare Alex Salmond to Hitler. What I was talking about was that PR was used in Scotland, where we got Alex Salmond, and it was used in Germany, where they got Adolf Hitler." Now. Am I reading between the lines too much or is she still comparing Alex to Adolf but with out the necessary spin?

Tough one to call. Liverpool win after a penalty shoot out

OK cheers guys. Now got a contract phone coming my way. Case closed.

Morrissey - Best Friend On The Payroll

True - Oh Fellow Psychic! TPBM had macaroni cheese for their tea last night.

Because I didn't realise I had lost it until the Monday when I had to call in sick for my work, and I didn't know where I lost it until I had a moment of clarity.

Bri If you could find out if it's still there and let me know I'd be much obliged. I'll drop in by the bar on Friday night around 5-ish and see if it is the one I've lost. Cheers Steve

False. Talking filth amuses me. TPBM Has a sticky out belly-button.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, Ill do the damn dishes"

We all agree That Mick Hucknall's a wanker! Fucking ginger bawbag cunt that he is:swearing: He needs to die a very slow and painful death. Crucifixion's too good for him. A meathook, cheesewire and shit encrusted pliers come to mind as useful tools to kill him slowly. Any other suggestions?

Even if the revolution came and the royals were taken in to the forest and shot at point blank range, the Deeside economy would still be robust. Tourists tend to come to Scotland for the scenery not for a glimpse of the royals, Americans especially to research their ancestral roots. What was the population for these MORI polls on the issue of monarchy/republic? A random sample isn't necessarily indicative of the country's population as a whole. If Harry did serve in Iraq or Afghanistan and was shot, would there be a national day of mourning like there was for his mother? Another day of sycophantic sympathies and pandemonium? Christ, I hope not.

Not to my knowledge and certainly not according to Tim Pat Coogan - the authority on the Troubes. Prince Andrew did a tour of duty during the Falklands crisis, again it was more of a PR exercise. Just noticed that Rachie mentioned Randy Andy's 'involvement.' I'll post anyway as confirmation of the fact.

Send him to Iraq. It'll save me having to kill the fucker.

A bit of a long shot I know, but I lost my mobile phone in the bar on Saturday night (12/05/07). It's a silver one-piece Motorola V100. It's a pay as you go effort which I can easily replace but it's the inconvenience of losing it that bugs me. If it has been handed in please PM me and if you know who handed it in I'll reward them with a few drinks of their choice. Cheers Steve

True - But I'm showing some restraint. (Bad choice of phrase) TPBM has had a chug/ dexterous clitoral stimulation at work today