Paulscoconutass

I'm a stickler for almost any old gash shown on Zone Horror. Stingray & Thunderbirds on the SciFi channel. How it works / How it's made. Banzai gambling show. Would babecast count? Obscure documentaries on remote wildlife & landscapes... Honorable mention to Cribs & 'The Fabulous Life Of' shows, which I try to avoid, but once you see one you can't help but stare on - even though every episode's the exact same: "Look at this massive $4,000 beach house... but that's nothing compared to her $40,000 pad... and that's nothing compared to her $400,000 hollywood mansion... which is nothing compared to her $4,000,000 private jet. (in the most ridiculous voice ever)

Why did the chicken cross the road? It was safety pinned to the punk! Why did the mathematically inclined chicken cross the road? cos. Why did Jesus cross the road? Somebody nailed him to a chicken Why did the American cross the road? To eat the chicken. Why did Stevie Wonder cross the road? Like he knew where he was going!!! Why did the sex pest cross the road? He was fucking the chicken... Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid the Jehovahs Witnesses... I watched a chicken cross the road today, it was poultry in motion.

Vanishing Point: drug-fuelled car delivery across America in an ol Ford, but unless you love films where its just about cars and chases... you probably wont take much from this. If you like funky soul music from the early 70s it would make the film even better! Hasnt really dated well (nam, hippies and homophobia) and the plots very thin, as are the characters and dialogue. Some OK car stunts redeem it, but itll always be a cult film. 4/10 Street Kings: a crime-drama from some of the guys that brought us the crime-dramas Training Day, Harsh Times & S.W.A.T - you kind of know what youre getting! Keanu Reeves may as well have been a bit of timber with a face drawn on (again) but the rest of the cast were pretty good - Forrest Whittaker in particular. The story twists and turns along at a good pace, and keeps you thoroughly entertained throughout. Also, couldnt feature a Latino gang without Noel Gugliemi (pic below): possibly the most obvious typecast ever! Exceeded my expectations 8/10 "I'm like the ultimate gang-banger homes!!!"

Warning signs: The entire cast was full of nobodys and rubbish / failed actors (russel brand isn't even a real actor!) because of this the majority of the cast was beyond watchable It was the director's first full-length 0 gags in the first 20 minutes that made me laugh The story has been done a bajillion times, and you could see what was going to happen 5 mins before it did Gratuitous nudity was expected but unnecessary knobs all over the shop for nothing other than 'gross-out' / shock value Individually, these things (other than the last one!) aren't big deals but combined, it didn't fill me with hope. After 20 mins nobody in the room could bear to watch any more. It's clearly a love-hate film, but I let people know I only lasted 20 mins so that they wouldn't take the 'review' too seriously.

The bucket list: two terminal cancer patients try and have fun with their remaining time on earth sound cheery? Its actually quite a good film. Seeing two heavyweight actors (Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman) play off each other is something else, but why oh why is Freeman always cast as an omniscient black man!?!? Hes the new ultimate typecast. Pretty daft story, but a good pick-me-up with some amazing scenery although its quite a slow-burner. 7/10 Forgetting Sarah Marshal: utter gash - although its the main guy whos naked way more than is forgivable! Predictable, rubbish and not really funny - even the cast from better films like Superbad / Tropic Thunder etc couldnt save this. Switched off after 20 minutes. 1/10 (only because theres some tits tits) 3:10 to Yuma: arguably two of our generations finest actors (Bale / Crowe) play a law-abiding rancher and a notorious outlaw respectively. Initially, I thought theyd work better cast the other way but was absolutely blown away by both performances. The story moves along brilliantly and from start to finish the film is full of action, drama and brilliant characters - both main and the supporting cast. Unfortunately, the endings a wee bit far-fetched, but adds even more depth to one of the main roles. A must-see film! 9/10

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar... ... It could happen.

Once: lo-fi film touted as a 'love story musical' done on the cheap centered around an Irish busker and a Czech immigrant. The artsy-fartsy crowd will love this film although personally I thought it was average, looks cheap (almost like a documentary) and the tunes were pretty rubbish & whiney. A few good nuggets of humour was the only thing that stopped me from turning this over. 4/10 Maniac Nurses Find Ecstacy: only really watched this because of the ace title and it was worse than anything I ever imagined could pass as a film, even by troma and ZoneHorror standards!!!! Tried to be like a Russ Meyer film... and failed. Tried to be a bit of a kinky film (nazis, whips, girl fighting etc)... and failed. Tried to have a bit of gore... and failed. Was supposed to be a hospital full of nymphs... AND FAILED!!!. Having seen more than my fair share of b-movies I'm kind of tolerant to them but this was the worst film I've ever seen! 1/10

Was there on Friday and disappointed to the max: as mentioned, all good beers (and all cider) sold out by 9pm and having to que the distance between two pillars just to get to the bar was just silly, and made drinking half-pints undesirable. I think the Thursday will have to be the plan for next year, unless they draw it out over a week or something to combat the insanity of a busy Friday night.

Great prank with glue!

American Pie 2: can sum it up in one word, nostalgia! Pretty funny and enjoyable film that most folk can relate to and can hold itself against most of the pish being rleased these days - made even better by the gratuitous spattering of ber-hot babes. The soundtrack is absolutely top-notch, although the CD only has about 1/3 the total songs from the film. Unfortunately the later installments of the franchise are more than gash! 7/10

YA DANCER!!! Totally forgot about this. Was there the last few years, BRILLIANT. Worked out about 1.50 for a half pint ant usually about 3 for the full... although can't remember much after an hour or so in there last year! Best place to be if you like your ales / perrys and cider's!

Wasabi: 2001 French-Japanese flick by Luc Besson that didn't really know what kind of film it wanted to be. Touted as an action film, but there wasn't any proper fights 'til over an hour in, and what little action there was looked ridiculous (like a surreal manga adaptation). Was supposed to be a cop film, but was more like a parody of the naked gun, which is already a parody. The story was very thin and the acting's pretty wierd as the cast all play out stereotypes. On the other hand it looks pretty good. Definitely a case of style over substance (the default audio track is dubbed English!) but worth a look if you like Besson's stuff. Would put it in the same category as the original Taxi or a crap re-make of Black Rain!!! 6/10

Spot on... what a brilliant way to start the day!

This film is actually amazing. Did a Communist tour in Berlin almost 3 years ago and the tour guide told us about this film because it was making lots of noises in Germany. Needless to say we had to wait another year and a bit until we saw it, but it was worth the wait. It also won an Oscar! And most of the methods in the film are true!! Caught this in the Belmont in '07 and was totally surprised. Only thing was, I thought it was a bit long, but to get the characters deep and keep the plot detailed you couldn't really cut much out. Great shame that the lead detective (main character) Ulrich Mhe died not long after the films scooped all the awards... brilliant swansong though! 9/10

Only a few months old, I picked this up last week and have spent the last few nights watching through it, can't say a single bad word. It's basically four live shows split over two DVDs, where each night they play through a different album - II, III, IV & V - from start to finish with a short encore (a few popular songs). The early albums are just the band but the latest two have got a full on ensemble of backing percussionists, keyboarders and pro singers and guest guitarists - epic stuff. A total must-have for anyone that loves the band!

I Spit on Your Grave: much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre this film has global notoriety for being one of the most graphic films ever, banned for 20 years, heavily edited etc etc. And much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre the original cut is one of the biggest let-downs ever... just pure crap, and the audio track is appalling! Not worth wasting any time or money on this. 1/10 Intacto: at the opposite end of the scale this wee Spanish gem was much better than I remembered first time round. Based around the idea of luck, and how it can be stolen, it's kind of like The Cooler - only it doesn't suck ass. Mentioned it earlier in the thread and wonder whether anyone else thinks it's as good? Note: If you do like intacto (or films about luck / gambling / underground betting) another great film to check out is 13 Tzameti. Check out the original before the US re-make comes out...

I've started back at season 1 and it's amazing how many major characters and storylines from the later seasons are introduced right at the start. Things like the board full of ties in the murder dep's office, the people in the drug re-hab meetings are constant throughout. Oh, and remember that fridge that cut out in Season 5 and they lost all the evidence... mentioned in S1 E3! All the details like these definitely make it one of the best shows ever aired. Picked up S1 of Homicide: Life on the streets at the weekend so can't wait to tuck into that after the Wire again.

My friend just completed a degree in wheel-making! Only 359 to go!!! Don't forget to sponsor me... along side my famous friends like Yoda, President Obama, Tony Blair, Xibit and Jack Bauer...

Heroic Duo: Anoher Hong-Kong cop film, but this time not so good. 1/2 psychological thriller (it's about hypnotists) and half action film (every piece of Glass / Car / Minor Character gets fucked up). Last third of the film is pretty gash, and it's so cheesy it gos beyond believable.

Yo Dawgs! I Herd u like giving!!! I'm running the Edinburgh Marathon (+26 Miles / 42K) this year to raise money for Alzheimer Scotland. So far the training's clocked up 345 Miles, 58 hours, and burnt 52,000 calories - as well as a self-imposed booze ban for the past 2 months (!!!) Alzheimer Scotland looks after individuals suffering from Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia, as well as giving their carers (usually family) a break. The sponsor page is below and is very quick / easy to use. Didn't have any pics of me running though, so had to find a 'whacky' one online. Will update the page with times after the race. Justgiving - Paul Thain marathon sponsor page Thanks in advance for any donations

One night in Mongcock: the film follows a rookie hitman in the most densely-populated area in the world (Mongcock). It's a pretty good story, the police hunting a hitman, who's hunting a triad gangbanger... so it's pretty cat-and-mouse through the film. More drama than action though, with some awesome edge-of-your-seat suspense, and the typical dose of Asian symbolism and unethical policing chucked in for good measure! Decent enough film. 7/10

CONGRATULATIONS SIR!!! Poundland is always a good place for stuff like this?

Cowboy Bepbop (The Movie) - Watched this film for the umpteenth time to test a 5.1 surround sound and it fairly did the trick! Could be considered as a demo disc for a multi-speaker set up. The story's ace, animation's quite good and all of the jazz / blues music is immense. Not as good as the series but definitely worth a looky! 7/10 Romanzo Criminal - Set in Italy during the 70s/80s this film follows the rise (and fall) of a notorious crime gang in Rome - including their links with fascists and the government. It starts with lots of fast-paced action but after about an hour turns into the usual downfall / betrayal stories associated with gang films. It's along the same lines as Goodfellas & Godfather and if you can stick it out to the end - almost 3 hours - it's a pretty good film. Acting's top drawer, the story's pretty epic and the location (and retro Italy backdrop) are all fairly convincing. 8/10

Flash Point (2007 Hong-Kong Film). The story was pretty much a dumbed down version of the Departed (which is a dumbed down version of the Infernal Affairs Trillogy!) but it was easy to watch as it didn't really make you think. The best thing about this film was the non-stop ass-kicking fight scenes scattered throughout, that culminate in a HUGE 20 minute action scene. The combat is all pretty realistic and based on Mixed Martial Arts. After watching some of the features the reason it's so good was that they drafted 5 legendary fighters to help choreograph and film the action. It's pretty much a Tony Jaa film, but not as cheesy and far more life-like. Well worth buying / renting / lovefilming if you like your action flicks. 8/10