Diesel Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Folks,Watched the worst movie ever made last night - "Torque".Never in my life have I witnessed so much crap stuffed into just 90 minutes. Good old Sky Movies, they can always be relied upon to air at least one complete no-brainer per evening.For those not familiar with this movie, it's basically "Fast & The Furious" with bikes and ALL credibility thrown out the window.I won't cover the plot - there wasn't one, but I would urge everyone to watch this movie as it is so bad it's laughable and any subsequent movies you watch will seem like masterpieces (I watched Gregory's Girl immediately afterwards - brilliant!).Here are some of the characters: -Hero - Yuppie biker, martial arts expert, acrobat and stunt rider (just like real life)Heroine - Beautiful, blonde, model-quality custom bike shop owner (just like real life)Baddie 1 - White scowling bike-gang leaderBaddie 2 - Black scowling hip-hop-gangsta bike-gang leader - called Trey (played by that wonderful, talented thespian, Ice Cube - who keeps casting this non-actor?)Baddie 3 - Trey's idiotic young brother named - yes, you've guessed it - Junior.Baddie 4 - Played inexplicably by useless English actor Max Beesley, who's crap in everything he's in.FBI Agent 1 - 24-year-old "Special Agent" with pin-stripe suit, baseball boots and a Hummer (just like real life)FBI Agent 2 - 18-year-old beautiful black girl (just like real life)Numerous slack-jawed yokels, pumped up "homies" and skimpily-dressed beauties.Fast and the Furious was dumb, but fun and at least it had the presence of Vin Diesel. This mound of sh!te clearly takes the piss out of it's low-brow target audience.What really murders this movie are the stunts - they have no "wow factor" at all, it's more like "Aw, gie's peace, for f**ks sake". They are so ludicrous that they make James Bond's stunt seem almost plausible.Another thing that p!sses me off about this movie is the use of guns - do they hand these things out like confetti in America?Anyway, please watch this movie - get some beers and a big pizza, call up your mates and piss yourselves laughing at the ineptitude of it all.DAL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bass Cadet Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Sounds like one of an amusing 'dung heap' of a film - I quite like films like that. No brain required just swich on and veg! I was a bit concerned about the name though - my bass amp is a Torque and it is a classy piece of kit!Mmmmmm............ Chalk & Cheese..................? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stray Cat Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 The stunts are a bit far fetched. The guy comes off the world fastest bike at over 200 mph, goes flying through the air and lands in front of a moving lorry but suffers no injuries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Wow, you've really convinced me to watch that film!Come on then folks - worst film you've ever seen? (bar Torque).I'll get the ball rolling with The Sweetest Thing (Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate). Utter, utter, tripe. The dialogue was laughable from the first scene (NOBODY talks like that), and the plot seemed to just be that someone had a few ideas for big scenes that would look good in a chick flick, and loosely wrote up a way of linking them together. It's complete and utter balls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bass Cadet Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Runaway Bride! I hate that movie with such a passion I saw it when I was down in Stirling - it was the only thing on at the cinema so I went in - oh how I regret it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcsheepie Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Yes Torque was bad, but it was still watchable unlike....Van Helsing, The Interpretor (good actors, rubbish, rubbish movie), The Fast and the Furious 2 (i really liked the first one, but the second was just awful) and Titanic (how on earth did it win all those oscars?)I'm sure i've seen worse films, i just can't think at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Surviving The Game (Ice-T). Utter fucking tripe. But having said that I did watch it through to the end just to see how much worse it could get.The only film I've actually switched off having paid money to watch it was Welcome To Mooseport. That was utter garbage as well but was at least raised above surviving the game by Gene Hackman's presence. It may even have been alright if it wasn't so hideously predictable and if it didn't star that fucking hack Ray Romano. Avoid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metarie Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Hehe, I quite liked The Sweetest Thing, the bit where they're dancing around the restaurant singing 'you're too big to put in there' was amazing.I can't really think of any films I really dislike. I've never walked out of the cinema once in my life. Maybe something like Dark Crystal or those dodgy Jim Henson fuelled films of the 80s, but I didn't hate them, just thought they were boring and a little creepy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluesxman Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Surviving The Game (Ice-T). Utter fucking tripe. But having said that I did watch it through to the end just to see how much worse it could get.Christ, I must have seen some bad movies in my time because that one wasn't that bad to me. Then again it has Rutger Hauer in it and I'm a bit of a fan since Blade Runner so forgive him a lot. Nice to see he is back in decent films these days like Batman Begins and Sin City.Sweetest Thing was absolutely abysmal and that song in particular was cringeworthy in that it was obviously thought of by the writers as highly amusing but was in fact plain embarassing.I saw Just Friends recently, that was pish. The King Kong remake was shite for the most part although some bits were good and it could have been fantastic. What's happened to Vin Diesel these days, he started off well with Pitch Black, Fast And The Furious and XXX was dumb fun but seems to have disappeared??( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted May 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Christ' date=' I must have seen some bad movies in my time because that one wasn't that bad to me. Then again it has Rutger Hauer in it and I'm a bit of a fan since Blade Runner so forgive him a lot. Nice to see he is back in decent films these days like Batman Begins and Sin City.Sweetest Thing was absolutely abysmal and that song in particular was cringeworthy in that it was obviously thought of by the writers as highly amusing but was in fact plain embarassing.I saw Just Friends recently, that was pish. The King Kong remake was shite for the most part although some bits were good and it could have been fantastic. What's happened to Vin Diesel these days, he started off well with Pitch Black, Fast And The Furious and XXX was dumb fun but seems to have disappeared??([/quote']Agree about King Kong - with that classic story, cast, director and technology, it should have been awsome, but it turned into a freak show - the fight with the insects was repulsive and the dinosaur stampede was ridiculous.I appreciate that with all these movies, there is an element of suspension of disbelief required, but it seems to me that excess is the order of the day now and that the distributors are pressurising the production companies into putting as much "kapow" into blockbusters as possible at the expense of plot, dialogue & credibiltyStill, with a target audience nurtured on a diet of Soaps, Game Shows, DIY Programmes and Reality TV - I suppose they can do anything they want. The public in general are too stoopid to notice the difference.For shame.DZL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arcadian Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 I rememeber watching Torque but didn't find it unwatchable really, it was like giving my brain a rest and watching some pretty lights, but the final bike chase was utter pish. Some of the awfulness was so bad it's good, sort of like how Steven Seagal movies work (but nowhere near the legendary awesomeness of Seagal movies).'Wag the Dog' and 'Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever' are 2 of the most unwatchable movies I've ever seen, in fact they are the only 2 movies I can remember ever not being able to watch all the way through.The flatmates I had just over a year ago and I had our own top 5 shit movie list, and as far as I can remember, 'Re-possesed' was the worst (awful spoof movie). One of my flatmates insisted 'Dark City' was worthy of a top 10 spot, which I refuted on the basis that the film is pretty damn good. We also all agreed that 'Anchorman' was a horrendously unfunny steaming pile of rabid monkey shite, despite the fact it seems fairly popular with a lot of people. Barely got a laugh out of it, plus the whole flat blamed me for the wasted 2 hours as I was the one who rented it out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoonie Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 bar-b-q anyone? http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0326750/go to that site and read the review. the last line is ace! /x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bass Cadet Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 bar-b-q anyone? http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0326750/go to that site and read the review. the last line is ace! /xWhat's the last line - That page is web restricted - it's not fair *childish foot stomp* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoodyRATM Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 "This film has inspired me to make movies...because if this can get made, I am thinking of submitting the film of my dog...licking it's balls."wow thats filtered? im in college and they let me on it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bass Cadet Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 "This film has inspired me to make movies...because if this can get made' date=' I am thinking of submitting the film of my dog...licking it's balls."wow thats filtered? im in college and they let me on it [/quote']The college isn't too restrictive really as I recall (it's been a couple of years!) The NHS is no fun! Bunch of grumpy ol gits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest b-bert Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Gen - X cops 2 was terrible. I didn't manage to stand 20 minutes of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Soldier starring Kurt Russell is utter pish.On the plus side he doesnt say much.To think this abortion of an actor was nearly in Star Wars. Also anything with Jean Claude Van Damme sucks balls. (awaiting angry backlash) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKMartin Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Love Story is the worst film I've ever seen. It had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.Likewise Titanic, apart from the cool "ship-sinking" FX.AKM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Also anything with Jean Claude Van Damme sucks balls. (awaiting angry backlash)Angry backlash:Uncultured heathen! Pre universal soldier/timecop Van Damme is pure violent genius! He made the 80s what they were! What would the 80s have been without slow-mo replays of the muscles from brussles axe kicking people in the head? Rubbish, that's what they'd have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted May 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Angry backlash:Uncultured heathen! Pre universal soldier/timecop Van Damme is pure violent genius! He made the 80s what they were! What would the 80s have been without slow-mo replays of the muscles from brussles axe kicking people in the head? Rubbish' date=' that's what they'd have been.[/quote']Quality response and very well put......however, let's not lose sight of the issue in hand here - that Van Damme does indeed, suck balls. In fact the Flemish testicle-sampling moron is undoubtably one of Hollywoods all-time worst.More dreadful actors/actresses in no particular order, only numbered coz I had some spare digits to use up...1. Dolph Lundgren2. Stephen Seagal3. Andie McDowall4. Roddy McDowall - no relation, in both are kindred in their complete shite-ness5. Sean Connery - sorry, but "Big Tam" is total gash6. Sly Stallone - "Adriiiiiiiaaaaaaaan", need I elobarate?7. Ice-T - THE WORST8. Ice Cube9. <insert Rapper here>10. Madonna - great pop icon, but absolutely gantin' in almost every movie she's been in.Done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonade Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 6. Sly Stallone How dare you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TR!ΔNGL€ T€€TH Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Also anything with Jean Claude Van Damme sucks balls. (awaiting angry backlash)Well, you obviously haven't seen Kickboxer. Jean Claude stares, does the splits, stares some more, knocks fuck out of a tree, stares, does the splits, then beats the crap out of Tong Po... Then Stan Bush plays over the end credits. Genius. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoonie Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 9. <insert Rapper here>not including mos def who is a superb actor 1. Dolph Lundgrendolph rules! red scorpion is the bomb! /x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Posted May 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 How dare you!I dare, because the droopy-mouthed mumbler (caused apparently, by medical staff putting forceps through the wee souls napper as he vacated the hideous Jackie's womb), is, frankly, shite.Having said that, he was quite good in Nighthawks, Rocky I, & III and Copland.Not as bad as Van Bamme (as my mate Pat McKay, former World Light-Heavyweight Karate champ and a REAL martial arts exponent) dubbed him or Big Useless Dolph - unforgettable as Ivan Drago - a man who looks as if the operation to remove his brain was a complete success.Brigette Neilsen should join the list as well as anyone who's seen Red Sonja will testify.Arrnie escapes because at least he tried to be intentionally funny in his movies.DZL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluesxman Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 4. Roddy McDowall That seems very harsh. Canna diss Cornelius/Galen!o_O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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