Biz

Looking like Bez oot o The Happy Mondays is amazing - all over the UK, people are friendly , buy me drinks and offer me free drugs - they are usually very shocked when I admit I dinna tak drugs, and am actually Scottish - but they usually still think I am Bez and take my photo - this happened even when I pointed directly at him and said Tha'ts Bez, I'm nae, but they still widnae believe me -probably something to dae wi a that class A drugs and the like .

This is old news, but quite funny - perhaps we should all give up making a din and become Politicians instead - it's probably a tad more lucrative, and you nae doot get a keek at far mair coapy baps and decent riders than most bands. The Scottish National Party is banging its own drum with the launch of a CD called "A New Sang - Twelve Songs for Scottish Independence". The album features the party leader Alex Salmond singing his version of Rowan Tree. Proceeds from the sales will go to party funds. The CD includes contributions from some well-known traditional Scottish singers and musicians, including Karen Mathieson, Dougie Maclean, Anne Lorne Gillies, Deaf Shepherd, Macumba, and Jim Malcolm. The politicians who appear on the album are: * Alex Salmond, who sings the Rowan Tree with Anne Lorne Gillies * Winnie Ewing performs Will Ye No Come Back Again * Margo MacDonald sings her own lyrics, A Scottish MSP, to a traditional tune * Andrew Wilson performs the De'il's Awa Wi the Exciseman * Fergus Ewing sings Scots Wha Hae.

I saw Lewis Hamilton the racing driver, he is probably drooling a ower that quine oot o the pussy cat dogs as we speak, I dinna blame him, she is well tasty withoot her make up on, and wears fantastic spray on claes .

I was accosted my Lady Ga Ga or fitever her name is that was supporting the Pussycat Dogs. She introduced herself and offered her hand - which I gladly shook, and introduced myself as Lecht Polanski and told her I was from Poland in a dodgy accent - she is nice .

Yeah, I micht be a wee bit crazy, I and love rambling on, but I DO tell the truth - even I can DJ better than him and that is saying something... which reminds me -as usual I'll be spinning the wheels of steel at the annual Fudge awards in The Lemon Tree, accompanied by Lecht Polanski doing his performance art piece entitled - A short trip with The Boosh - which involves Elvis, a Dalek and boat .

ALEX Salmond, the First Minister, is hoping that the people in the north-east see a new side to his talents when he takes to the stage with one of Scotland's leading pop stars. Following his highly acclaimed Children in Need sketch of the Rev IM Jolly, Mr Salmond will be joining Sandi Thom to sing Dougie MacLean's Caledonia for a one-off performance at the Fife Lodge Hotel in Banff on 5 February. The song will be part of Ms Thom's Homecoming Tour to help promote the 2009 Year of Homecoming and Caledonia has become the anthem for the events throughout the year. Mr Salmond is the Aberdeenshire town's MP and Ms Thom also hails from nearby Macduff and is believed to be an SNP supporter.

I once paid to see McGee Djing at the Lemon Tree. The fantabulous Le Reno Amps played a magnificent set and then McGee started trying to play records - it was a shambles - so bad I had to leave . I expected something great but was VERY dissapointed to say the least . He can't DJ worth a toss .

Phwoarr that sounds well durty in a totally homo way

Let's face it - I am an idiot and am very seldom serious. I go through life pretending to be people I am not - but fortunately get paid for it . Bagpiping in Aberdeen - A WINNER - even better than the rusty trombone. There's this thing called bagpiping - it involves sticking you knob into a ladies armpit - and she plays it is a style nae unlike playing the bagpipes. Another passtime is getting some dirty lady to play the rusty trombone - I winna even gae ye the sordid details - it's pretty durty. Onyway...I digress... aye being rich and famous looks great fae the ootside - BUT - fit it's a aboot is haeing a laugh and making a din - onything else is a bonus - but watch oot - there's heaps o folk that will fleece ye. Yesterday I watched Sharleen Spteroonie soundcheck for 3 hours - it was exceptionally braw, her band are ace, and - she has a surprisingly magnificent voice. I rushed doon to Drummonds to see Peg and the bouffants - Peg is a bloke by the way...and HOLY MACKEREL - one of the tasty lady singers - the ane wi the higher than high heels and sexy red dress on, wheeked oot her pap - revealing her pierced nipple. Steven oot o Stanley bought me a pint and I wrestled with Amy Sawers broken earring and challenged some skinny bloke oot o Lorenzo Snow Collective to a left armed wrestling match . Status Quo and Elton John mak boring music but they are nice folk and aywis hae good catering. The bass player oot o the Magic Numbers is afa nice - and hot as hell - AYE she is a bit o a bloater, but Phwoarrrr . I have had considerable success in the music industry - FUCK ALL MONEY TO SPEAK OF - but to tell ye the truth - I'm nae very forthcoming aboot the hale thing, cos it's largely shite -and I have to play stuff even I winna listen to in the hoose -och ye ken fit like? there's aywis a button to change channels fan yer shitty song comes on the radio . I wish folk would realise that the music industry is not an easy meal ticket -you have to do loads of shit -like learnig how to be an accountant - and REALLY - take control of you destiny - nae sweering on the radio or TV, maist folk gae up after 3 years - but I'm a rare exception to the norm - I have NO choice - I am driven - but nae by the need for fame and riches - doing what I do through rich and poor - is what I do - I'm the guy who turns up to see your shitty band time after time until you get good - then I'm off - searching for the next great band that will shine like the brightest star - and get destroyed by a the negative thinking arseholes who post shitty comments on message boards like this , I reiterate - mak a din and hae a laugh - if you are good - people will find you -people who nae doot ken the richt side o a shilling . The best bands I saw last year were TOY ,pvh, Desalvo and Dananananaykroyd -and nae just because of the name -they have two drummers and are a fucking hoot -check them oot -they will bring a smile -or in my case - a microphone to you face - I gave a wee speech aboot coming from Aberdeen and the Weegie crowd loved it - AYE , say Aye to a pie - and nae jist the hairy kind - you will nae doot realise that meals are the high point of your day - no matter how rich and famous or obscure and skint - food rules .. but I prefer smoking and drinking ... as you micht have guessed, he he he, cheers Biz .

You can never learn enough . If you want success you have to play the game - get advice from The Scottish Arts Council or somebody in the know and pay PRS and the like so you get royalties. I widnae bother getting signed - you will end up in debt and lose control of your art. Sell ye stuff online - nae need for expensive and world polluting plastic and CDs and sleeves and stuff . Watch oot though - being famous is largely shite - mostly hinging aboot waiting .

It's Lecht Polanski dressed as an Elvis Dalek with a deflated dinghy hanging over his shoulders shouting - Experminate - and using the chat up Line " Heyyy baby, you are young enough to be my sister or daughter, it might seem incestuous, BUT, fancy gan half on a bastard ?".

Melinda fae the Boosh

Och shite wrang date -Venue: THE LEMON TREE LOUNGE Dates: 25/03/2009 19:30 - 26/03/2009 19:30

I always ask to get on the guestlist - but never do, but I dinna care as lang as I can play groovy tunes on the wheels of steel for a wee while or wander aimlessly around in a drunken stupor whilst wearing unsuitable attire . How about a theme? - I do like putting on the suit and looking all handsome and tasty, but something like an octopus or Elvis the Dalek would liven up the proceedings -AHA -I just remembered -the Boosh folk gave me some stuff -he he he I canna wait, cheers Biz . PS - can I get on the guesty?, or DJ?

Evelyn Glennie the percussionist is internationally adored , and quite right tae - ace drummer - and she gets to play with quality orchestras and stuff .

The Shamen were a pretty tasty live band, they did all right for themselves .

Neil is still alive . I met Tony, he was a nice man and great artist . I loved the viewers gallery - ace music and brilliantly crap art .

I met Melinda oot o The michty Boosh, I took her home, and am sitting next to her right now. I intend sailing with her soon in that little yalla dingy that Julien - ( the guy with the tash ) was wearing. I was accosted my Lady Ga Ga or fitever her name is that was supporting the Pussycat Dogs. She introduced herself and offered her hand - which I gladly shook, and introduced myself as Lecht Polanski and told her I was from Poland in a dodgy accent - she is nice .

A full page spread sounds WELL durty - the sort of thing ye's get in readers wives, or Razzle, or fitever scud mags are caaed nooadays - Dirtier than x tina and she is pretty clarty in thon vid wi the boxing ring .

Would you consider a cross dresser who is old enough to be your dad or older brother?. Mind you,lesbotic incest springs to mind - good name for the band though. I would gladly pay 3 to see a band called Lesbotic incest . I would even buy Coapy baps to fill oot my dress and athing .

Ooh lifestyles o the rich and famous. I met Jamesbroonbreed, but I didnae ken it wis him until jist noo fan he posted the bit aboot the Abby fae the Zutons malarkey . Top maternal bum boy action . I was there, I hot footed it wi a crate o watter - I dinna really like tins o T, it tastes rather like I think pish wid .

I have 99 "kits" - all on a Roland TD6 - very tasty - a kit for every occasion - but I do use a violin bow on real cymbals, and loads of real percussion . I am too lazy to lug aboot real drumkits -the electric kit fits onto a toolbox with wheels -it fits in the car boot, and saves loads of trips in and oot o venues... mind you, I do like it when bands turn up with Tama Star Classics -a bit heavy, but they sound well tasty .

you guys suck cats wallopers

come on baby mince my tatties YouTube - XS_Relocat Identity Crisis

Aye, even Irvine Welsh is intae it I used to play darts all over England , and when I broke my wrist I simply changed hands - I am ambidextrous and love showing off by finishing on a double 10 with my left hand . Darts and lager and music and hip Scottish writers writing funny stuff wi a great cast - AYE - this is too good to be true and will be on TV in a few weeks . Colin MacIntyre You're A Star Video by Colin MacIntyre (aka Mull Historical Society) - MySpace Video