Biz

I heard the Beatl, erm, Oasis soundcheck - shivers - and decided I'd rather sit here typing shite than listen to their namby pamby pish .

DISGRACED Russell Brand yelled Qu? as he romped with the granddaughter of Manuel actor Andrew Sachs, it was revealed yesterday. But Georgina Baillie, 23, said that despite his ladies man reputation, he was a disappointment in bed.

All this carry on about Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand I think it's worth pointing out Russell did actually bone her - and no wonder, she is a well tasty burlesque dancer, but I dinna think he should have bragged to her grandpaw on the answering macine. I found the statement by the toe sucker a few weeks back hilarious. The Duchess of York has revealed that Russell Brand would have to be vetted by her before he could date Princess Eugenie, reports The Mirror. The comic reportedly said he would like to date the 18-year-old and become part of the Royal Family earlier this week. Speaking at the opening of a new 1.25 million cancer unit in Leeds, the Duchess said: "Tell him he will have to come through me first."

Quality? I'll gae ye quality . Dessing up for Halloween is gay Gay I tell thee, in a style not unlike that Buffoon Russell Brand . Or a pregnant bride, like her oot o thon Tarantino film Or it could be a wee bit spooky Or maybe I'll jist hing aboot looking scunnered

Woo hoo, I've had some tasty offers and am well up for some more. I prefer to work in Scotland but will consider tours and wee excursions elsewhere - I have a passport and UK/Europe sat nav . You must be up for a laugh, I am likely to turn up in some weird costume and speak in a Polish accent.

the HOMO milk carton is ace

I love the art in the Moorings and all the weird ornaments and implements adorning the shelves. The live nude bands sign is lovely. I noticed that if you drink enough lager the tickly tap disnae matter so much. The tap on the right trickled a treat yesterday, just long enough for a quick cats dicht. I am getting quite attached to the hand dryer, it's nae too loud which is a bonus. I have never shagged corned beef, but I do recall some time in the mid 1980s shagging a woman with corned beef thighs. I think it might have been the result of standing in front of the fire heating up my tea .

I hope they don't change the taps - Drummonds taps are FAR superior to The Moorings ones.

I believe that establishments selling food and drinks should have hot running water and soap . Typhoid can only spread in environments where human feces or urine are able to come into contact with food or drinking water. Careful food preparation and washing of hands are therefore crucial to preventing typhoid. If hot running water is good enough for the staff, SURELY it is good enough for the punters. Taps like the ones in The Moorings and Tunnels are useless, especially if you only have one hand . At least the ones in Tunnels make a great sound - a bit like a Brass instrument . That waxy soap in the Moorings is taking the piss too. I want my hands fresh and clean, NOT, stinky and uncomfortable after washing. The hand dryer is nae bad . Here's what happens when you eat piss and shit... In August 1963 a new supermarket opened in Aberdeens West-end. It was very modern in design and layout, part of a new trend away from traditional small shops to larger self-service supermarkets. This supermarket was one of seven opened during 1963 by a Dundee-based chain, William Low & Co., who since the late 1950s had been very forward-looking in adapting and expanding their existing branch network. By May 1964 the shop had established a regular clientele and was becoming a successful branch. Disaster struck sometime between 7 and 9 May when a six lb can of Argentinian corned beef was opened and was sold sliced from the cold meat counter over the next few days. Later it was discovered that the can had been cooled during processing in untreated river water and the typhoid organism was presumed to have entered through a small hole in the seam. Although there had been no specific typhoid outbreak near the factory, it has been estimated that sixty-six tons of excrement and 250,000 gallons of urine entered the river every day. This state of sanitary hygiene was ideal for the spread of the typhoid bacillus, especially in a country that recorded over 10,000 cases of typhoid per year in the early 1960s. More here - Typhoid fever - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I am available as a DJ, drummer, drum tutor, drum tech, driver - full clean licence / backline roadie, I'll also take the door money, sell merch and set up all sorts of gig related equipment - video, lights, PA, sets, risers, bloody smoke machines and cannons, pyros, funcy seats like Rhiannas Chez Longe, or even Girls Alouds hairdryers,etc etc , I'm nae too fussy as long as it pays decent cash and keeps me busy. I am willing to consider other interesting lucrative proposals outwith the entertainment industry, cheers Biz .

I hear Gary Glitter has moved into the area, I'm sure this is the sort of thing he would be interested in.

my girlfiends husbands have always beem a pain in the ass

I was thinking about doing a wee piece about food and wine for Fudge Fanzine . I'm nae very keen on wine though, so I thought I'd hae a wee blether about the delicious food and service provided by a few Aberdeen establishments. Aye, I think The Lemon Tree deserves it in the neck as I used to go there weekly and it got so shite I stopped going altogether. It's a disgrace - booking fee? what a load of bollocks -the tickets are overpriced enough anyway, and I have been left standing in the rain too many times - doors open time should be adhered to . The menu is shite tae and umpteen times I have been served sub standard inedible over priced pish . How about serving raving Scottish stuff like Butteries, Broth, mince and tatties, stovies and a few tasty stuff that vegans and veggies can scoff?. Aye, the Lemon Tree was bad but it's worse noo - where's all the publicity? - there are acts playing at lunchtimes to nobody, and it's really hard trying to find out anything about it - even the Lemon Tree website is a nightmare, och well, plenty other good places to go to, it's a pity The Music room didn't sell more food and have beer on tap, bottles are a richt rip off, nevermind, I hear Drummonds will be doing food soon, it's got to be better than the 40 minute wait for burnt chips at The Bassment - mind you the chicken sandwitch is pretty tasty , but the bogs belong in Trainspotting . AYE gaes some decent food with our music, and taps in the bogs that work and soap dispensers instead of that shitty waxy smelly soap that leaves you feeling dirty . It's no wonder so many people go to other places to see bands, Aberdeen is fairly lacking on basic hygiene - think how many dirty stinky gigs you've been to, and treating punters as if they were idiots is enough to make me bugger off to Weegieville, where you get great food, cheap drinks and bands galore at realistic prices . Snafu is pretty decent and the place upstairs does nae bad food, but ye canna beat Thains baker on George Street for Stovies .

It was magnificent, really funny . I'd buy it and memorise the script

mair than an hoor and abody wis afa chuffed, there wisnea a dry seat in the hoose

I like to think that if I was lying in the gutter unconscious, Craig would come to my rescue and give me the kiss of life without even geting a semi on, even if I was dressed in high heels and a mini skirt, then he would hae a quick flick through my mobile and pour me into a taxi and send me home. Brian would probably help himself to a couple of tabs - leaving 40p in my top pocket - and leave the resusitation shennanigans to his girlfriend, thank goodness for that, I dinna think my lips could tak a the stubble action.

Och help ma kilt and stew ma Macoroni, that was magnificent, there wisnae a dry seat in the hoose

Yo Fudgers check oot this Thursday 845pm Belmont Cinema Occasional Monsters trailer

the Loch Monster

This Thursday Belmont cinema 845pm Occasional Monsters (15) Director: Michael Cox, Sam Addison Origin: United Kingdom Year: 2008 Duration: 130 Starring: Craig Stewart, Ronnie Caird, Ben Walker, Marcus McMillan Things are looking good for Duane and Wolfgang. They have a solid friendship, a new business, and a documentary film crew to capture it all. Who needs doubt when you plan to hunt monsters for a living? They don't need much to make their dream a reality: just a little money and some good PR. And, ideally, some occasional monsters.

I almost forgot about the film, it's this Thursday at 845pm Occasional Monsters (15) Director: Michael Cox, Sam Addison Origin: United Kingdom Year: 2008 Duration: 130 Starring: Craig Stewart, Ronnie Caird, Ben Walker, Marcus McMillan Things are looking good for Duane and Wolfgang. They have a solid friendship, a new business, and a documentary film crew to capture it all. Who needs doubt when you plan to hunt monsters for a living? They don't need much to make their dream a reality: just a little money and some good PR. And, ideally, some occasional monsters.

Lager lager lager SHOUTING

Rabbit porn

Occasional Monsters premieres at Aberdeen's Belmont Cinema on Thursday 9th October at 8.30pm. Be there or be a fool.