Swingin' Ryan

Barbarella meets Alison Goldfrapp via Marianne Faithful in her heyday. Failing that something involving Nazi jackboots and a gold lame' tracksuit top. Or anything without "retro prints" and badges. (n.b I replaced the "questionable eye make-up comment for fear of hypocrisy)

Why do 90% of the girls look like slightly alternative art students with Topshop vouchers? It's all fucking cord blazers and low-lights, it's like living in a Pulp concert ten years ago. And no wonder my shares in Specsavers are through the roof, everyones wearing glasses now. Is there not a new trend yet, Franz Ferdinand have been on the go for awhile now. I vote Neo-Disco, find your glamour woman of the North.

What I find slightly strange about the advert is when the little girl says "If you hit me at 40mph I have an 80% chance of death, but hit me at 30mph and there's an 80% chance I'll live". Hopefully this won't lead to a stream of people tearing past schools at 30mph reading the paper thinking, "well if I hit someone they've got an 80% chance".

Thaty's probably the best thing to happen to the charts for a long time. Elvis at number one and the Manics at number two. Two of my all time favourites. All the Elvis doubters can only but look at the facts, he's long dead and still topping the charts. When private-schooled whining filth like Keane and Coldplay and the baggy-trousered Topman rock of the Lost Prophets are kept off the top by Elvis Presley, when he's lying dead and buried in his velvet-lined coffin, content in the knowledge that he not only created Rock and Roll music but the whole image of Rock and Roll aswell...life is good. Next to Frank Sinatra, Elvis was the best thing to happen to music ever. He came to save us all from Glenn Miller. You wouldn't have your synchronised guitar-jumps and on-stage "rocking-out" if Elvis hadn't had the balls to shake things up. No-one seems to realise how controversial Rock and Roll was in it's time, far more earth-shattering than the Pistols on Bill Grundy or Marilyn Manson's mini-Nuremberg shows. That's why he's still relevant. And so what if he got fat towards the end of his life, he did more for the development of music than anyone I can think of, so he can eat a Bengali Tiger every day if he wants too, it doesn't make a difference. John Lennon said something along the lines of "Before Elvis there was nothing", which was wrong there was Sinatra, but in respect to modern guitar music there wasn't.

BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST Jamie Cullum BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST Amy Winehouse BRITISH GROUP Franz Ferdinand MASTERCARD BRITISH ALBUM The Streets - 'A Grand Dont Come For Free' BRITISH SINGLE (What a fucking awful selection) Will Young - 'Your Game' BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT The Zutons BRITISH URBAN ACT Dizzee Rascal BRITISH ROCK ACT The Libertines BRITISH LIVE ACT Jamie Cullum BRITs25 : THE BEST SONG AWARD Joy Division - 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' - with Kate a close second (purely for the fact if a Joy Division song is voted the best British song of the last 25 years it'll be such a great representation of Britain, of all the songs in the last 25 years we pick one by one of the most depressing bands ever to make music) POP ACT Girls Aloud INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST Tom Waits INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST Kylie Minogue INTERNATIONAL GROUP Scissor Sisters INTERNATIONAL ALBUM OutKast - 'Speakerboxxx/The Love Below' INTERNATIONAL BREAKTHROUGH ACT Scissor Sisters OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO MUSIC Sir Bob Geldof (Why Geldoff? I don't dispute his huge contribution to charity and fighting world hunger, but music?... the Boomtown Rats? Has Peel had one yet? A posthumus one for him would have been nice.)

Fantastic album! definitelly in my list, along with : Manic Street Preachers - Generation Terrorists (educated me in many ways) Aerosmith - Nine Lives (first real album I bought when I was 10) Frank Sinatra & Count Basie - Live at the Sands (Got me listening to jazz and swing) And more recently Felt Mountain and Black Cherry by Goldfrapp have shown me how there's more than one way to make music.

Manic Street Preachers is a great name, it's appropriate and sounds good. Thrice however, is a fucking awful name. As are the names of 90% of Emo bands, especially the ones that looked like they've been chopped from the middle of a sentence or the one's with Day/Month names like Taking Back Sunday.

They did a passable song a few years ago called "Superman Can't Walk", but it was Pop-Rock at best. They've never been a Punk band and their new stuff is turgid radio death. They're the kind of "Punks" that claim to be on-the-street homeboys from blue-collar families who caught a lucky break, when in reality they spend stupid money on stupid cars and wining and dining American socialite/strippers a la Sum 41. They're too Pop for Punk and too ugly for Pop, so they're stuck in the grey-area inbetween called "Pop-Punk". My advice - Sell all your CD's and listen John Barry style instrumental movie scores.

I envisage it went a little bit like this..... Record Exec - Right boys we're up shit creek, Punks not cool anymore and the whole garage-rock thing went past so quickly that I didn't even get time to send the memo suggesting a name-change to "The Ripped Jeans and European Lager's". Apparently the big thing now is "Emo" (no not the Sesame Street character), and it's all about Pseudo-Heartbreak and "arty" things, so we're going with "A Silent Film", the kids will love it and there'll probably be more 14 year old girls with lip -piercings that want to shag you. Shouting Myke - OK.

I don't think many films have done that to me, although Lost In Translation had quite a profound effect on me, for reasons which escape me. However, I am soon going to attempt to achieve the feat of watching the extended version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy back to back, possibly at some point during the holiday season between Xmas Day and New Year's Eve. Around 12 solid hours of viewing, starting at lunchtime and finishing at midnight. Sheer endurance, but I hope to emerge a better man.

Yeh Empty Souls is far better than LORN, as is Solitude Sometimes Is, absolutely brilliant tune, and better than 75% of Know Your Enemy.

I fucking despise internet humour.

1) Whatever the Lost Prophets are, Topman-Rock or something 2) Art-School Rock, (people who think Tracey Emin is ace and make stupid jaunty music pretending it's retro and arty)

I'm similarly gutted, I had a hotel booked and everything and I probably won't get that cash back, plus I don't know if I'll make the rescheduled date either, that on top of bus tickets I've booked could result in about 60 quid down the drain. James better get well soon and rock like a bastard at the new date, and he better play either Roses, Born to End or Stay Beautiful.

I've found all the setlists so far on ForeverDelayed.net, they look ace. This is the Set List for Nottingham. Empty Souls Faster If you Tolerate this your children will be next No Surface All Feeling 1985 You Love Us Yes The Love of Richard Nixon Australia (interrupted) La Tristesse Durera Kevin Carter Die in the Summertime Solitude Sometimes Is The Masses against the Classes Small Black Flowers (acoustic) Archives of Pain (acoustic, one verse and chorus) You Stole the Sun This is Yesterday Cardiff Afterlife (dedicated to Richey) Tsunami I Live to Fall Asleep Motorcycle Emptiness A Design for Life They're doing Yes and La Tristesse! According to the reviews Nicky's been changing out of the C&A's gear halfway through some shows and into the traditional mini-skirt and tights. Glasgow will be tres superbe'.

Good God, very bleak stuff. When I first heard I assumed it would be of some natural cause or illness with Darrell being a pretty hard living guy, but to be shot in the head whilst playing a show! That's the worst fucking thing that could happen. Absolutely horrific for everyone in the band and the audience to see their hero/band memeber/friend shot dead on stage. Especially horrific for Vinnie, watching your brother die on stage. Someone in American needs to sort out their gun laws before they waste time starting anymore wars. R.I.P Dimebag.

Best - Beauty Worst - Arrogance

No way! That's pretty tragic,these shock deaths are horrible, at least if there's a long illness there's time to prepare and things but car crashes etc are just so out of the blue, I used to love chanting "ZERO". I'm unbelivably shocked R.I.P Zero, he was such a character aswell.

I'm going. I'm hoping there's a possibility they'll be playing a few more Holy Bible tunes than just the usual Faster, seeing as they've got the whole Holy Bible re-issue thing out on Monday and they'll be wanting to hype it up a little bit etc.

I'm disgusted that the Scissor Sisters have been knocked out and that pseudo-American pervert trio Busted are still in the running with what must be their worst single by a mile. 10 Points to Melua for naming an album that neither Cat Deeley or anyone in the audience had ever heard of as her record of the year. Cue blank expression from Deeley and a fumbled "Oh, I don't have that, but I'll buy it now".......Will you fuck Deeley, will you fuck. At least Kylie's on now, unfortunately I think they've got Tina Turner working in the costume dept.

I like Picollo Pizza on occasion, there's a very retro, traditional feel about Picollo. You still get the normal round pizza but without a flimsy crust, and they're cut in big Hollywood style slices.