berti

i always find wanking in the shower a very messy affair anyhoo, turns into PVA glue like substance as soon as it hits water.....nae fine

i know im a couple of pages behind but children related shite on facebook. Profile pics of said person with their child is just about acceptable, but a pic that is just the kid, or even worst, a picture of a scan, no no and a thousand times no. To quote the late great himself 'I hate to tell you guys but your children aren't special. Dont get me wrong, i know you think they are...ha ha ha ha' i will prob get neg repped to fuck for saying that but it annoys the shit out of me, kids are shit as fuck......

i also dont actually mind him. all my hatred and vitriol is reserved for that other plastic non entity that he was married to. now she, is the definition of cunt.

i have seen enough to be honest, seen the capital for about a week then saw another town to the south before i sailed offshore. a real eye opener, no running water or electric in the second place, just bairns playing and wives washing in the fresh water stream that ran through the town. one kid was playing wi two sticks lashed together and a make shift wheel for about half an hour, chuffed as fuck too. makes you think really, another example of a country cursed by the 'paradox of plenty'.

depends what you class as silly. its not really that much more than working in the north sea, its equatorial guinea so not like anywhere really treacherous. its gets silly if i work christmas and new year though....which it looks like i will be! curses....

i had one come to my door and offer to cut my wildly out of control hedge. i told him i would do it at the weekend and 'nae to wirry min!' i lied

malarone. i had it before a couple of years ago but just attributed the itchy legs to the pretty disgusting living conditions i was in at the time. now the rash is on my arms and legs and face and the rig is pretty nice so its defo the tablets. on the plus side i dont have to take them while im offshore so win! and yes, the fucked up dreams were pretty fun actually, i dreamt i was riding my motorbike through my old school running over people. its ok, they were cunts anyway:up:

currently loving working out of africa at the moment, geting paid to sunbath on the helideck the last 4 days while we wait on equipment arriving. feel free to hate me

current pet hate: being allergic to the malaria medication i have to take while im out in equatorial guinea. itching like i have stds all over my body.....on the plus side its the most satisfying scratch in the world

The N.I. accent bugs me because they dont seem to have the letter 'h' in their alphabet. They do a lot of 'tinking' about 'tings' to do on 'tursday' It makes me want to go in their face and go 'ttttthhhhhhhh', showering them with my glorious saliva in the process.

i think he would be up for the strangly/butt rape combo for both of them, he seems like the sort of guy who doesnt do things half arsed.....

really? i cant believe its not butter...... sounds like he cant wait to get out and live the country life

turriff is the crap place that i hail from, what band be that?

if he used your details then why dont you just roll with it and rock out a multi-wank day to the porn that you rightly paid for?

what rig was that? i have eaten my fair share of boafing food offshore, had reindeer stew the other night!

I find it fun to tell arseholes that think they are ace that they look uncannily like someone who has an anus for a face. Current example, some gurny faced mong i used to work with thinks he is ace because he has a bird that is slightly better looking than him (but still looks like she has downs) so i have told him and everyone that works with him that he is a dead ringer for Martin Skrtyl of Liverpool FC fame. Who is one of the most sinfully offensively ugly cunts ever to grace the face of the earth. Best thing is, it is 100% accurate..... true story...

staple a crisp to her face. or her bap.

an update on the cobbler, it was shit hot. even the missus had to concede it was pretty good and normally she prides herself in being better at cooking/baking than me. incidentally that recipe sounds like it should be called chocolate fudge 'will have her frothing at the gash' brownies, sounds epic and guaranteed bj material

i have just started to attempt a plunge into the world of baking, made cookies the other night, they were bitchin, and have just pre made a redcurrant and raspberry cobbler ready to bake later tonight. the mixture for the crunchy topping tasted like pure sex when munching the remainder in the bowl. cant fucking wait to try it tonight!

booking fees.....wtf? if its 20 plus a 2 booking fee just advertise it as 22 cock muffin how in fuck am i supposed to book tickets without incurring a booking fee, knob goblin piss whistle.....

i agree with these, especially falling asleep while pinching a loaf. i did that in a casino in newcastle and i have no idea how long i was there, was smashed. but it burnt when i woke up....

agreed, the sad thing is, it is obvious he put quite a lot of thought into it, and at no point though, 'you know what, folk might think this is a bit of a twatty post'

well, you know what to do there.....just come out with something along the lines of, ' yeah, but you know you can never REALLY get rid of herpes, so the end of the medication doesnt necessarily mean the end of the disease.....' or something better, that was most shit but you get the idea

yes, this guy is a penis. i just moved to kincorth a month ago and this guy deserved a slap. especially when he pulls out from one space and moved 100ft down the road parping his horn and pulls in again.....into my space!!

ace, thanks for all the replies guys, think i will go and see the chappy swan on holburn the morns night, before i go get smashed then come home and think its a great idea to throw the kittens onto my sleeping girlfriends face and only one post about masturbating, good work i reckon!