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Talent Shows - WTF?

Diesel

By Diesel
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Diesel Grand Master

Diesel

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Anyone else sickened by these turgid, manipulative wastes of time and space?

Right - quick bit of background. My wife dances competitively (in fact she's just this second returned from a comp at the Beach Ballroom) and my daughter is attending stage school, where she's showing some promise in the performing arts. Leaving me and my ham-fisted guitar playing as the token "talentless one" :laughing:

Needless to say, they watch ALL the talent shows that are going and occasionally and despite my best efforts, I get exposed to the following: -

  • Gelled fringed nancy boys singing cheesy pop songs like poofs
  • Dyed-haired, hatchet-faced boots singing cheesy pop songs like cats swimming in deep fat fryers
  • Simon Cowell (or whoever) burning up my sky subscription/licence fee/electricty whilst taking a fortnight to announce his descion
  • Chav families of the contestants in aff-the-belly t-shirts, whooping and screaming because Sinita-Cheyenne-Ikea has made it through to the last 3200
  • An endless procession of the worst songs ever vomited - sung badly

It's bad folks, it really, really is...but what I just cannot cope with...what makes me want to choke on my own eyeballs...

...are the tears. Every minute of every show, there's some loser crying their talent-free eyes out. Rivers of running mascara.

But the worst is grown men, crying like fucking pussies because they got the hook from some stupid, stupid game show, it's fucking disgusting, GROW A PAIR OF BOLLOCKS YOU FUCKING SOFT CUNTS :swearing:

*Stop Press* - Mrs Diesel got four 1st's and 2nd and a 3rd out of 7 categories - not too shabby :up:

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Swingin' Ryan Veteran

Swingin' Ryan

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[*]Gelled fringed nancy boys singing cheesy pop songs like poofs

But the worst is grown men, crying like fucking pussies because they got the hook from some stupid, stupid game show, it's fucking disgusting, GROW A PAIR OF BOLLOCKS YOU FUCKING SOFT CUNTS :swearing:

Gays on television...grown men crying... fucking disgusting....Oscar Wilde was locked up for this kind of filth, this society has gone to the dogs :rolleyes:

Are you Fifties dad? Did you used to change over the channel when Mr Humphries came on Are You Being Served?

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MikeyEB Proficient

MikeyEB

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The only thing I really hate is people saying that they have to win or else they will have to go back to a regular job. It just seems a little ungrateful, "I think the jobs you do are completely worthless, but please vote for me or I will have to do it myself" is the way a lot of them come across.

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pogofish Mentor

pogofish

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A good few years back, I worked the recording of a pilot episode for a proposed new talent show. Thankfully they were not back in vogue at that point & the idea got no further.

I can honestly say I have seldom seen anything quite so disturbing. The level of obsession, determination and competition amongst the performers/families/"managers" etc was quite unbelievable - they were up for anything that would keep them in front of the cameras.

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MikeyEB Proficient

MikeyEB

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I'm going to smash the TV in the next time I hear someone say "It's been quite a journey..."

it's not a "journey", it's a fucking talent show.

That's right up there with "It's my last chance, if I don't make it this year it's over". There's always next year, and the year after as the show will be running until the end of time. Simon constantly calling anyone who is not singing a ballad a "black horse" is getting a bit tedious as well.

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Diesel Grand Master

Diesel

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I'm going to smash the TV in the next time I hear someone say "It's been quite a journey..."

it's not a "journey", it's a fucking talent show.

That's the point I was trying to make - it's a talent show - it's supposed to be light entertainment.

Years ago, these types of shows presented an opportunity for newcomers and seasoned club acts to get a leg up and occassionally a few made it (e.g. Les Dawson, Jim Fucking Davidson).

Now it's all so bloody serious and the contestants just seem to be an endless procession of dimwitted narcissists in states of distress - their "dreams shattered".

Like most folks on here, I like to switch on the box after a days work and be informed, educated or entertained - and there's none of those values to be found in prolonged close up shots of "gelled-fringed nancy boys" or hatchet-faced boots" crying their minces out.

Cheap, sloppy, unimaginitive programming.

And I meant no offence with my earlier use of the word "poof" - I used in the playground context - as in "awa ya big poof".

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Bigsby Grand Master

Bigsby

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Stop apologising ya poofter.

The "journey" thing has become a running joke in my house, winds me up no end. Thinking of developing an X Factor drinking game, 2 fingers anytime somebody mentions their "journey", another 2 when somebody mentions a dead family member/close friend/pet etc.

I can just about put up with the auditions as it's obviously good fun laughing at people with serious mental illness, but I'm not sure I'll make it through 12 weeks of karaoke without putting my foot through the telly (not sure how effective that will be on an LCD).

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Bob Double Jack

Guest Bob Double Jack

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"you could go very far in this competition"

"i want this more than anything"

want what? quantify winning the x factor ye fucking bams. 2 minutes in the limelight, followed by a failed single, various appearances in shite like Now, Reveal, etc recounting your "journey" from obscure karaoke singer, to obscure karaoke singer with a pish album out.

I hate the lot of them.

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waltz Grand Master

waltz

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I find it quite amusing that the contestants think it's about them, and not an exercise to line the pockets of record company execs.

Having a system where people vote to keep their favourite contestant in the competition gives a fairly accurate representation of the number of people who'll buy potential singles and albums etc.

And if these singers have the 'X Factor' then why are they recorded in some airport hangar of a studio and pro-tooled to sound like everything else?

Still, the auditions are generally quite funny television so it almost makes it all worthwhile.

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FezMonkey Proficient

FezMonkey

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The "journey" thing has become a running joke in my house, winds me up no end. Thinking of developing an X Factor drinking game, 2 fingers anytime somebody mentions their "journey", another 2 when somebody mentions a dead family member/close friend/pet etc.

My friends and I play such a game every Saturday during X-Factor. We have a rather substantial list of things to drink for (hugging Dermot, crying, family members with homemade T-Shirts, etc.) and is a fairly fun way to get squiffy. Adding booze makes things like this more tolerable, I tend to find.

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Gavlar Contributor

Gavlar

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I tend to watch the auditions so I can shout at the ludicrous nature of television, especially the parts where the camera crew go their school/office/asylum as friends/colleagues/people who don't even know them 'wait anxiously' to hear the news. Yes that's right, we've gathered everyone together so you can witness Mufty the singing dustbin come in and tell you they didn't get through, then broadcast their disgrace on national television. Right.

Actually it would be much better if they did that.

Also '5 million people turned up to this year's auditions', yes, but 95% of those were the contestants families, dolled up with their best slap from superdrug hoping to get on telly. Where do they all come from? I doubt that many folk would appear for my funeral.

:swearing::swearing::swearing::swearing::swearing::swearing::swearing::swearing:

/rant off

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Guest

Guest

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"I really love this band, I don't want it to end"

Well GIRLBAND, just because you were kicked off some shit tv show doesn't mean your woeful attempt at a band can't continue. Heaven forbid you do what thousands of other bands do and practice and get songs done, without the incentive of a weekly prime time tv performance.

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  • 2 weeks later...
DJ Jo-D Mentor

DJ Jo-D

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That could be the game by itself there. Every two fucking minutes Dermot has to give some sad sack a hug.

I would just watch X Factor if there was no singing just to see Dermot........I would audition just to get my hug.....LOL

Drinking X factor games sound quite good, you must get hammered!!! Yeay lets get hammered!

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Guest calumunderkills

Guest calumunderkills

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yes he was there , amd that's the second time he's been knocked back :nono:

.......he's still a great player though :up:

Jablonski probably got knocked back cos he's got some talent.

Not that I'm a Robbie Williams fan but I remember he slated Pop Idol or whatever it was at the time, and Simon Cowell said something like Robbie wouldn't get through the auditions with his voice. Proof that it's for talentless goons if ever there was one. Robbie Williams as much as it pains me to say this, is one of the most successful solo artists to come out of Britain for a very long time.

I remember seeing a clip of the final when Leona Lewis won, and Cowell bleating on about anyone who says these shows don't find talent, this is talent bla bla bla. Really? Sure she's got a marvellous voice, I don't deny that in the slightest. What's she up to now? I predict she disappears like the rest of the previous winners. They get a million pound contract for a year (which to be honest is not really to be sniffed at), but after the year is up, they generally disappear and the next winner is shunted into the limelight for a year, releasing the winner's single just before Xmas to gain maximum sales and get Xmas no.1. They put a shit album out and release single no.2 roughly 8 months later, just before X Factor is due back on the TV again.

I despise X Factor and everything like it, but the thing I hate the most is Louis Fucking Walsh. I have seen a few clips/episodes of this year's X Factor, due to being exposed to it by my fiancee and I find myself wishing Louis Walsh was in the room with me so I could inflict serious pain on the little scrote of a man.

Sorry, rant over :up:

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Guest calumunderkills

Guest calumunderkills

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Um, are you serious?

Leona Lewis hits top of US charts | Music | guardian.co.uk

Leona Lewis tops US album charts | Music | guardian.co.uk

Mostly these shows produce nobodies, but the record companies are seriously getting behind her and it looks like it will pay off long term.

Yeah, okay - got her a wee bit wrong - I got carried away in my rant. Her and Will Young are probably the only two that have come out of these shows with any real chance of hitting the big time. The only other one who has gained any sort of credibility is Lemar (who came 3rd in Fame Academy...!).

My point stands for every other one that's came out of these shows (oh, other than Girls Aloud):

David Sneddon

Gareth Gates

Michelle McManus

Leon Jackson

One True Voice

Hearsay

Steve whatever his name was (Brooklyn was it?)

My point is that, yeah, they will find talented individuals now and again, but these guys would probably have came through other channels eventually. They don't "discover" the talent out there, although they certainly discover a lot of people who are good karaoke singers, give them a bit of limelight, screw them over, make shitloads of money out of them and move onto the next one.

The only reason they stick with the likes of Will Young and Leona Lewis is because they will make them even more money, and increase the credibility of their shows.....

I'm ranting again.... :swearing:

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