Sue Denim..

I found out (from telly) that a Pilchard and a Sardine are the same thing. I just assumed they were different types of horrible fish.

Here's one sent to me today via email..... Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

So I guess Hitler was one too.

I'm surprised at how many people consider themselves Atheist. If you are so into things being proved, wouldn't it make more sense to call yourselves Agnostics?

Just finished "Perdido Street Station" by China Mieville. Brilliant, steam-punk adventure. In the middle of "The Scar" also by China Mieville. Another steam-punk adventure (sort of a sequel to the last book) but at sea.

Some funny cunt thought I looked liked Wagner.

Tiger Woods' real name is Eldrick Woods.

I went for a chinese take-away and the guy behind the counter said "Twenty Pounds Prease" Thinking this was expensive I went to get out my wallet whilst asking the question "Excuse me, do you know the name of Jordan's son?" "Certainly, It's Harvey Price." "Thanks I said, here's a tenner!"

I watched 'Hitman' on film 4 the other night. Not really my kind of film and the storyline was ropey but there aint much else to do offshore in the evening.

I'm reading 'Perdido Street Station' by China Mieville. What an amazing author...fast becoming my favourite. It's like the guy has swallowed a dictionary, thesaurus and encylopedia and spits out subtle references to the most unusual subjects in his books. I recommend 'The City and The City'.

Peter who? Who is this cunt? ...yes, I am old.

The whole BNP members list is still a bit fresh in my memory. Good old wikileaks.

Sign the petition and have your email address leaked onto wikileaks!

Damn, you've drunk my battleship!

Helium is the second most abundant element in the universe. I don't think we've got much to worry about for a while.

I entered a snail racing competition the other day but my snail wasn't doing very well. To speed it up a bit I decided to take of its shell to reduce weight and drag. Unfortunately, it just made my snail more sluggish!

Couldn't she be a bit more specific? Possibly the mention of knob cheese or bum hairs would have helped.

Strangely enough this happens to me the other way round... I go to speak to my manager who usually asked for me to see him when mid conversation, has the fucking nerve to answer a phone call. I always walk away and make him tannoy me again..and again .... and again. I've done this so many times now you'd think he'd get the hint.

Your 'Who is she?' just reminded me of another punch bag... Nikki Grahame

I've seen it all on T-shirts from "Jesus is a Cunt" to "Anal Sex..Fuck That Shit" Nothing could surprise or shock me on a T-shirt anymore. .... except possibly a visible wank stain.

I'm not ashamed to say I'm reading 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'. I'm halfway through and it's pretty good so far.

If found guilty then it's definately jail for him. If I can recall the Jeffrey Archer perjury case, he got 4 years. So that's what I'm going for.

Has anyone mentioned CJ from the TV quiz Eggheads? I wouldn't even sully my fist by punching his face... I'd have to use a cricket bat.

I'm working my way through "The Ultramarines" omnibus by Graham McNeill. In preparation for the Games Workshop inspired movie coming out sometime this year.

Hot Tub Time Machine. ***** Empire Magazine "Amazing" Daily Mail "Best Film you'll see this Summer" The Sun "Utter Shite" Sue Denim.