Comptroller

This is TONIGHT, you understand? Sultans of Cripple are ready.

God, that sounds good. I love The Warriors. I had been intending to go to this, but of course forgot about it. What a shame.

When the Ghost Train starts, only a special group of musicians can bring it to a safe stop. That group is the Sultans of Cripple. We have to wrestle with a lot of rhythm and grapple with a lot of groove. It is our job. We do it in front of anyone who wants to see it, and sometimes people move to it.

The Sultans of Cripple return to the Moorings tomorrow night for the second of their 9pm / Free Entry shows. The undeniable broken groove of the last performance made kids dance and shout, and one kid was almost sick. One of the top punks decided that we are his new favourite Aberdeen band. Another punk couldn't even take it and had to go home. What will happen this time? We play EVERY DANCE we can, can't you hear it? Juan's on the phone. Get on board the Spanish taxi terror ride, do the Cripple Stomp, but for Christ's sake don't do the Rat. To summarise: Friday 29th April, The Moorings, 9pm, Free Entry, pounding garage grind. Don't let me down.

The Sultans of Cripple, featuring members of Vomitus, the Downroads and King Liar & the Brutes, are set to perform tonight (Friday 22nd April) at the Moorings. It's only their second gig, and the first with the full 5 piece line-up. Expect some sort of unique Garage Groove Grind hybrid with bursts of electric banjo and probably some sharp dressing too. This is a fearsome combination of people, and it's also FREE entry. 9pm, The Moorings, tonight. Do your best.

That sounds like a hot ticket. Members of VomituS, Downroads and King Liar and the Brutes you say? Combined in one band, the Sultans of Cripple, playing some sort of unique Garage Groove with occasional bursts of electric banjo? The Moorings? Free entry? 9pm? Only some kind of asshole would not be interested in catching a piece of this action. Count me in.

Late addition to Tunnels events: Sunday 6th February 2005 Bill Ely & the Catnips: Everbody's favourite balaclaved rat-punk duo creep into town again to trick kids and shout. Touring the UK in March with Detroit monster Man Incorporated, and with some form of musical release due out shortly, Bill Ely & the Catnips have literally never been so angry or well practised. Sultans of Cripple: An all-star line up of Worthies introduce the new rhythm and shake the hand of the old. Aberdeen's only Dance Quartet and newest Showband, catch them while you can! The Tunnels hosts the above two bands on the night of Sunday 6th February, that you can be sure of. Most likely situation: Doors at 8pm, cheap or free entry. This is truly an exciting combination, and in unusual circumstances. I urge you not to miss it!

Weren't the Dangerfields going to be playing on that night before the shut-down announcement was made? Does the fact that they are still playing mean that other bands who were booked to play on this night will also be able to play? What I mean is, are Bill Ely & the Catnips going to get to play? Why do you Drakes people insist on being cryptic and mysterious?

I take it we bring our own instruments then? I can imagine there will be a lot of guitar cases, and a lot of guitars, and a lot of people who want to play guitar. I want to play guitar.

So sudden and awful. Now where can the kids find shelter? Where will the crime-punks perform? It was a sad day when the old Drakes closed its doors, but at least there was the new improved Dr Drakes to look forward to. What now? What can be done? Do the cryptic positive messages allude to a Drakes Mark 3? Alas, I fear not. As has been said before, the staff, the atmosphere and general attitude of Drakes has always set it apart from other venues. Since 1998 I have enjoyed this, now today I learn it will soon be over. Where else can a band climb all over furniture, a fat naked man dangle keys from his genitalia, a Zone of Justice be demarcated on stage, and the staff recognise & accept these gestures as some kind of, albeit warped, personal expression? Dr Drakes is the spiritual home of King Liar and the Brutes and various other bastard creations that I have been involved with, even ones that have only been talked about. I really don't know where else these monsters can go to roar and dance. My sincere thanks to all who have been involved with making Dr Drakes what it was, I am sure it will be long remembered and talked about. I plan on making the most of it while it's still here.

For those who are not already aware, King Liar and the Brutes' 26-track studio album, 'Europe's Final Band', is now available in One Up. Amazingly, it costs only 5. Donside Records will surely bankrupt itself if it continues to release packages of this quality for such a low low price. However, we must insist that Gatsby repays his debt to society somehow. For your consideration: www.kingliarandthebrutes.co.uk www.donside-records.co.uk

Heads up kids: King Liar and the Brutes first full-length album, 'Europe's Final Band', will finally see the light of day on 24th December 2004. 25 tracks of double-sonic music heaven on one CD for a very low price, thanks to Donside's own Bruce Gatsby and his kind Christmas heart. The sound is so clear and loud that I can't even bear it. Dr Drakes will host the album launch party on Christmas Eve, and will also feature a traditional seasonal performance by non-other than Dangerous Dave Dixon. Combine this with exciting DJ music and the long-awaited return of #1 Grand Prix Racing Circuit Business Man #1, and you have the stuff dreams are made of (ectoplasm). Door tax, opening times and other such details will be confirmed later. Just take note, that's all I ask.

Man Inc was fantastic, thank god he exists. I look forward to his return. Boot to the lap-dog?

Caja's own 'Bill Ely and the Catnips' are one of the support acts on Sunday. Any fans of rat-punk or balloo-ing will be in for a treat.

My only real Fudge Flat adventure was the PaGG 'Desert Island Discs' interview previously mentioned by Kris. Somehow a fight broke out afterwards that led all the way outside & up to the Castlegate where Robb tore the shirt off my back. I suspect the intoxicating combination of liquor, music and filth we experienced within the flat may be to blame. God bless Robb.

Man Inc is due another meal, and I will be happy to help serve it. Are any support acts confirmed? I can think of two masked Cajuns who would be up to the task.

Fuckin' A 'The Warriors'! Warriors, come out to play...

They dress like zombies and have songs about zombies, and the songs are fast. I like it. Rock, you fucking zombies!

I like Guitar Wolf very much. I recently bought the other Guitar Wolf film (that is, not Wild Zero), 'Sore Losers'. It's not actually a Guitar Wolf film, but they are in it. Members of the Oblivians and the Makers play the main roles. Guitar Wolf crop up as Men In Black (the dangerous semi-alien kind, not like Will Smith) and mainly just laugh and drink beer. There is a very good bit where Guitar Wolf (the man) burns Mike Maker's face with a laser beam from his eyes. What of 'Red Idol', does anyone own that? That is a true Guitar Wolf film. I have never seen it.

If Mad Capsule Markets played Moshulu I would shit my bed. Mad Capsule Markets are the loudest robots I have ever heard, and that's saying something. I would pay at least 8 for the excitement of seeing them. I may be wrong, but I think they have plain faces. Rock, you fucking robots!

Kirk knows what he's doing This is an important event and deserves to be supported. It is also the last King Liar and the Brutes gig for the forseeable future. #1 Grand Prix Racing Circuit World Champion #1 has decided to take to the road again for the first time since the pile-up tragedy that led to the formation of the band in the first place. I salute his courage and applaud his vehicle. This means that the 5 Peers will be separated, and Europe's Final Band will be frozen in time until Aberdeen's Ghost Rider returns. To commemorate this event, tonight we will play every song that time will allow and film every face we see. Go, #1! Go, go, go!

Who controls support? I am eager to learn who will have the privilege. I estimate that each Misfit will drink two pints of blood before the show, and maybe some milk afterwards to cool down with.

Mr Lucifer is right, KLATB are playing Drummonds next Friday. The Glasgow Soundscape Conglomerate are arranging it, the final line-up is not yet confirmed. We will generate a new thread about this when we know more. Hugh can't play drums until Oggy gives him his sticks back, and Oggy won't do that until Hugh gives him his drums back. It is a cruel loop, and only drummers are allowed to get involved. KLATB and Radio Lucifer only have one drummer each, so no-one can help them. Good luck guys.

Listen, what is all this about? I have a guitar and it makes fast noises if I let it. None of these words are neccesary, except the ones that aren't abortions.