Paulscoconutass Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Chuck Who?If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "6".Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.The Black Eyed Peas were just 'The Peas' until Jack Bauer heard their music.When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer". Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.Jack Bauer makes onions cry.If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out."Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexandra Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 I knew before I even logged in that you would have posted this on here.Lol... lol... rofl... lol. (I may or may not have actually rolled on the floor and laughed.. but I did actually laugh out loud). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tv tanned Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Jack Bauer is no Chuck Norris... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scootray Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Some of those are bloody classics. I did in fact LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beeker Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 chuck norris can get McDonalds breakfast after 10:30 - jack bauer can get in the queue.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bob Double Jack Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 hilarious - rofl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest onlynik Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 I though the title of the thread was about the attendance of some band's last gig Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessHolly Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Ahhhh! I wondered what that message was all about this morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoodyRATM Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 that is brilliant. I was getin sketchy looks from my lecturer to why i was trying not to laugh. . . unix is meant to be done while depressed appartly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paranoid Android Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 I saw these a couple of days ago, some of them are great although some do seem to just be Chuck Norris ones with the names changed. These were some of my favouritesIf Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "6".Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metarie Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 this is uncanny, a friend from Uni was randomly quoting Jack Bauer facts at me all day yesterday. Can deny it though, Jack Bauer is a bit of a hero. My personal favourite is 'Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulscoconutass Posted March 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Jack Bauer is the only American who knows Bin Ladens wherabouts. Hes holding back on the info though as Osama supplies him with unlimited free terrorists to kill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
salsadecacahuete Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 i hate children but i would have jack's babies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseyBoi Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 its chuck norris birthday today Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scootray Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 its chuck norris birthday todaySo? Remember, Chuck Norris is a pussy. Jack Bauer named his cat after Chuck Norris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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