Plato the Greek

I knew it. You are probably sitting in a constant state of semi-arousal surrounded by soiled copies of Razzle and discarded tissues wrapping your filthy, matted brown bath robe around your sinful form. There is a constant appearance of white foamy spittle at the sides of your mouth as you contemplate with deep longing today's episode of The Tweenies. Your lunch will be a hastily prepared pasta n sauce sachet eaten in front of your computer with a plastic fork in a dank windowless spare room. The room is full of dusty, damp cardboard boxes, which are rather sinisterly labelled with titles such as 'Children's Lingerie' or 'Play-Time'. Shameful.

Yes it is fantastic value. CDR heaven. Lo-Fi no die. I heard that if you buy the album using 5 1 notes then the member of staff serving you in One-Up will marry you, so that's an added incentive - unless the said member of staff has paedophile hair and you're a child of course. Seriously though, watch out.

Great albums of the Seventies: Like A Motherfucker by The Heartbreakers - The Absolute Shit London Calling - more like a glorious religion than an album The Clash s/t album - The truth is only known by guttersnipes The Sweet's s/t album - THE best glam band. Never Mind The Bollocks - Maybe better than 'The Clash'? The Crack by The Ruts - buy or die. Raw Power - I dig this shit The Undertones - Pop album of the millennium Led Zep IV - Damn that's hot. The New York Doll's debut album (awesome, awesome, awesome). Also the entire output of Status Quo during this auspicious decade. That crazy-hot good-time boogie gets me every goddam time.

HOLY SHIT! FANTASTIC! This is very good news indeed.

No. no. The explanation is really quite simple. The owner of Donside records (Bruce Gatsby) was in London on business on Wednesday and so couldn't come to the launch night. Naturally he was going to be the compere but due to his absence he created a robot alter-ego known as 'G.8.T.5.B.Y' and allowed it to compere for him. The robot is therefore copyrighted and belongs to Donside in the same way that King Liar and the Brutes belong to Donside. Donside's association with robots also extends to the ownership of the immense terror-bot 'Super Transformation Valkyrie # 1' which is REAL, and which anyone who attended our Fudgenight gig at Moshulu can tell you all about.

YES! YES! I....know....who....you.....are! You are DEFINITELY NOT a man, that much has finally been established beyond ALL doubt. I saw you kick a Diuretic. Questions: 1) There were about four other peole there sporting red-ish hats of various types - are you in some kind of gang? 2) Is the legend true? Are you from Ythanbank?

Yes. Yes. Yes. For those in the know, the legend of CHRIST ROBINSON (this is the correct spelling) is a multi-layered and rich tapestry. He survives as an entirely separate entity from Chris Robertson.

This music sounds like it was made by brave Japanese robots in space. It is good. I will listen to it again. I like music.

There are a many bands in Aberdeen who are actually quite good and a lot of the gigs that I really remember and that stand out have been by local bands at Drakes or Drummonds or Lava/Kef/Glow etc. I do not think that originality is all important when it comes to music but I generally will be more immediately impressed by a band if they are unusual or have something which stands out as being unique (as far as anything can be unique nowadays), but this is not always the case. Some bands/acts from Aberdeen I enjoy are: Vomitus The Needles Vegas Bill Ely Broken Sunshine (The?) Cuts Diabetics Asian Morrisette Also, there are many bands I would like to see but haven't yet, including: Femora (Sludge!), Radio Lucifer (Christ Robinson's new gang), and of course The Real Shocks - (I still have no idea what they are but I want to find out, and I damn well will).

Hold on: that means you can watch four hot acts and get a 15 track compilation of GOOD bands all in the same place on one night at one low, low price! It seems to me like the people at Donside must be pretty fucking wired in to he latest lo-fi, hi-fi, no-die sound of this punk-assed city. Also, I heard that a member of Bill Ely and the Catnips has actually got a hook-tipped prosthetic limb and barks '1,2,3,4' like a sun-stroked helldog to keep time. I simply can't wait to see them.

David Johansen has aged better than most (musically at least) and he was in Scrooged so he ascended to deity status some time ago. The whole thing will probably be slightly shambolic and strange but hugely enjoyable and fascinating - not unlike the original New York Dolls. On the down side, without the truly amazing Johnny Thunders the band will be missing a huge presence. As for a member of The Libertines drumming.....surely Rat Scabies or Terry Chimes et al aren't doing much nowadays? Holy shit I hope they play Stranded in the Jungle.

I don't know what and/or who Beast Wing are but they sound pretty shit-hot like they're from the big league (London?). As for the launch party at Drake's I can hardly contain myself - it's just a pity that Progerian Front were unavailable to play due to ill health. Also, I was talking to (Donside owner) Bruce Gatsby last night in The Glentanar and he said that every copy of this new compilation CD will be international standard and that the pre-orders alone are already enough to guarantee it will be Donside's biggest ever venture. Well done Bruce and all at Donside!

I am going to buy my copy TODAY. The Needles are literally the only reason I get up in the morning. If you don't like The Needles you are maladjusted or mentally dull.

I wish I could play piano or keyboards. Wait a second....

The Needles are absolutely, categorically, unarguably the best band ever to have emerged out of the Aberdeen music scene - and I include Vomitus in that equation. On Saturday they played a great set and Dave Dixon is the ultimate frontman - as thin as he is mesmerising. Hail Caesar started well, became mired in mediocrity in the middle of their set, but then redeemed themselves with 'I will cut you'. I missed most of Dedalus but they sounded passable if not exactly to my taste. Also, the lead singer had 'paedophile hair' but I cant decide if that is a good or bad thing. Sadly The Needles new CD was not for sale, which pissed me off, but other than that it was a good night.

Not only were Vomitus highly entertaining but there is a strong case to be made that Rimmon Von Vomitus is quite simply the most fundamentally mesmerising being ever to have graced a stage in the whole course of recorded history.

Sludge? Singing? On stage? With a band? Holy shit. I want to see this. Now. They must be fantastic.

What ARE the Real Shocks? This is a serious question. They fascinate me in the same way that kids are fascinated by dead animals: I do not understand what they are, but I want to. What instruments do they have? Who is their leader?

Can I just check, because I can't be assed wading through post after post of sartorial ramblings looking for the DEFINITIVE info: When are the Fudge Awards? Do Mr and Mr Fudge even know? Also, the Brutes will be dressing in style, of that you can be sure. Blood red armbands are only the beginning....

I hate music but even I can't wait for this gig. I think it may contain upwards of 123 thrills.