Rules For Being A True Grinder

[Guest Jake Wifebeater]

Found this on another forum, thought I'd post it here for a laugh. Here are the rules for being a true grinder:

1. You must like Napalm Death's "Scum" LP.

2. You never discuss your music with "outside" people.

3. Pig Destroyer fans are posers, and you hate posers.

4. If a record is made in a recording studio, it sucks and it's too commercial.

5. You don't care about appearance, because that's vain and only posers care about that kind of stuff.

6. You only wear dirty, black clothes (ignore the contradiction between this and no.5).

7. If more than 500 people like a band, you can't listen to them because they're not underground enough.

8. You must be misanthropic.

9. You must own 7 inch split ep's.

10. You must like Japanese grind like CSSO and GBN.

11. If you don't know the full names of those bands you're not a grinder.

12. You must know all the "legendary" bands and own their releases. Otherwise, other grinders will think you're not "true grind".

13. Always appear cooler than you really are. Be aggressive, swear a lot and enjoy mocking people's morals and taboos.

14. You must hate emo kids and make fun of them because they're posers.

15. You must hate all the new Relapse releases and bands.

16. You MUST hate Pig Destroyer.

17. You must be drunk and wasted most of the time, the more the better.

18. You must deny the fact that you used to be into Iron Maiden, or that you still like them.

19. You must be a nihilist, unless you're into socio-political grind like Agathocles.

20. If you're into socio-political grind, you must ALWAYS preach your beliefs.

21. If you're into goregrind, you must have a one-man goregrind side-project.

22. Anything that is brutal, gory and pornographic is cool and funny.

23. If you have a goregrind band, all your song titles must be offensive and funny.

Not to be taken too seriously, you'll probably be surprised how many apply to you if you're being honest...

[The Sloth]

hahaha thats quite cool...Im nae tr00 grind enough though...

[Guest Jake Wifebeater]

I only manage to live up to 1, 2, 3, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 19 and 22.

There's a bit of work to do yet...

[SteveCrisis]

A susbcription to Razzle and 50plus Granny Slutz is mandatory...?

[Dan G]

I had a one man goregind side project about 5 or 6 years ago (seriously) .

It was called Korpse Fukka and the album was called "Sedated, Cremated, Penetrated"

Never intended on actually playing any music to be honest, but I drew a nice album cover during a lecture... it was a man bumming a skeleton and the skeleton had a big grin and was giving the thumbs up. Some song titles were:

Graveyard Gangbang

Dig 'em Up and Bend 'em Over

Exhumed For A Ride

If the Coffin's Rocking, Don't Come Knocking

Maggots On My Penis

Dead Give Head

Morgue-azm

Wish I could remember the others... it amused me at the time.

So that means I have 21 and (very debateably) 23.

[Alan Cynic]

I want to hear 'If the coffin's rocking, don't come knocking'!

You HAVE to record that.

Now you've got me thinking up song titles in a similar (dead) vein...

'I wanna necro-fill ya!'

'Rigor jigger jigger'

'On top of Topsy at her autopsy'

'I went limp but she stayed stiff'

etc

(Actually I'm quite proud of that last one, and might record it myself!)

Maybe we could do an Aberdeen compilation of necrophilia songs? Weirdly enough I did one today, as part of 'Lemon Aid', which I co-wrote with Thomas Truax. Here are the lyrics..

On our trip to Blunderland we kissed

The moon was shining through a leaf you gazed at me in disbelief

You gently touched my lips and I did lean against your hips for some relief

But then you moved a little back and landed on the railway track

You never saw the train as it entered your brain

And so we never kissed again, Oh grief!!

Your body looked enticing still and so I dragged you up a hill

I then removed your dress and there despite the bloody mess I had my will

Your skin was pale or dark with blood I turned you over in the mud

And stole your brassiere, I liked you as you were

I'll go back to Blunderland I will!

And now I've got another girl with auburn hair and fetching curls

I'll take her off to Blunderland and hope that she will understand my world

And when the stars are up above I'll hear the train and give a shove

She'll be lovely dead...it's just like I once said

On our trip to Blunderland we kissed

[Dan G]

'I went limp but she stayed stiff'

That is indeed a potential classic! You need some quality lyrics to go with that...

"I went to her dissection, and couldn't get an erection" etc etc

I also like this one:

"I Tried to Eat Her out But the Maggots Got There First"

Members of the band need to have an alias of course...:

Cadaver Dave The Bondage Slave

Necro Phil

[Teabags]

1. You must like Napalm Death's "Scum" LP.

6. You only wear dirty, black clothes (ignore the contradiction between this and no.5).

8. You must be misanthropic.

9. You must own 7 inch split ep's.

17. You must be drunk and wasted most of the time, the more the better.

20. If you're into socio-political grind, you must ALWAYS preach your beliefs.

Those apply to me.

[lepeep]

I wrote a limerick once...

there once was a man from Dunlave

who dug up a whore from a grave

she was mouldy and shitty

only had one titty,

but think of the money he saved.

[Jamie]

That is indeed a potential classic! You need some quality lyrics to go with that...

"I went to her dissection, and couldn't get an erection" etc etc

I also like this one:

"I Tried to Eat Her out But the Maggots Got There First"

The maggots lyric is inspired, but wouldn't the other be more in keeping with the ethos here to be...

"I went to her dissection, had a foreskin splitting erection"...I mean come on, who could fail to get wood at a dissection? Phwooar!