Lambchop Posted October 7, 2005 Report Share Posted October 7, 2005 God I could murder a Cadbury's flakeBut then I guess you wouldn't let me into HeavenOr maybe you would, 'cos their adverts promote oral sexA Romany bint in a field with her paintsSuggesting we faint at her beautyBut she's got Dickie Davies eyes...From Half Man Half Biscuit's Dickie Davies Eyes, ACD, 1988.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qball83 Posted October 9, 2005 Report Share Posted October 9, 2005 HMHB @ Lemon TreeWas speaking to one of their mates who worked with me in Africa about 5 months ago - He told HMHB that Aberdeen was waiting for them to come up and play! Apparently Geoff Davies was waiting on my call to find out where they could play - Looks like they saved me a phone call or 2!!Does anyone know if they have a support act lined up ? While I was walking through my local store...Searching for 10 pence off lenorI suddenly bumped into this guyOn seeing who he was I gave a cry....Fuckin 'Ell - It's Fred TitmusAnd they also gave us Lionel Blair!Going to be a great night out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 12, 2005 Report Share Posted October 12, 2005 Talk to the hands, Talk to the handsIn my Joy Division oven glovesDance! Dance! Dance! Dance!In my Joy Division oven glovesFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's Joy Division Oven Gloves, Achtung Bono, August 2005.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 To the tune of He's Got the Whole World in his Hands...They've got the whole world in their houseThey've got the whole wide world in their houseThey've got the whole world in their houseTo see the new conservatoryThey go ten-pin bowling after workThey go ten-pin bowling after workThey go ten-pin bowling after workAnd they're getting married on a Caribbean beachThey know where things are in B&QThey know where things are in B&QThey know where things are in B&QAnd they've got The Joy of Sex videoThey've got a German Shepherd dog called PrinceThey've got a German Shepherd dog called PrinceThey've got a German Shepherd dog called PrinceThe one called Sheba diedThey were due on The Crystal MazeYeah they were due to go on The Crystal MazeThey were due on The Crystal MazeBut they got mugged in FloridaThey went up in a hot-air balloonThey declared their love in a hot-air balloonYeah, thay drank champagne in a hot-air balloonAnd had a row on New Year's EveIf I were a linesman...... I would execute defenders who applauded my offsidesThey've got nothing but total respect forYeah they've got nothing but total respect forThey've got nothing but total respect forAnnie Lennox...and if I'd have known they were coming I'd have slashed me wrists!From Half Man Half Biscuit's Paintball's Coming Home, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 18, 2005 Report Share Posted October 18, 2005 A mistake has been madeIt's a fact they can't hideThough I'm partly to blameIt cannot be deniedThere ain't no use pretendingIt seems I've been tending The wrong grave for twenty three yearsA letter dropped onto my doormat one dayAnd I thought "I'll ignore thatIt might go away"And I took up my shearsTo the place that for yearsI presumed my sweet darling had lainFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's Tending the Wrong Grave for 23 Years, Saucy Haulage Ballads, August 2003.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 Why, it's Mr KowalskiIt was you all alongThat ski-lodge would've been mineIf it wasn't for you meddling kidsBut what can you doWhen your mum's in RamptonBouncing off the walls and singing"Who's afraidOf Virginia Wade?"Why do it todayWhen you can always put it offUntil tomorrowWas our mottoSubsequently engraved on a plaqueAs a reminder of the attackOf Vitas GerulaitisAll fall downWe all fall downWe all fall downWho's afraid of Virginia Wade?Who's afraid of Virginia Wade?An outbreak of Vitas GerulaitisThere's an outbreak of Vitas GerulaitisIn the townIn the townWe all fall downFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's Outbreak of Vital Gerulaitis, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt, 1991.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 24, 2005 Report Share Posted October 24, 2005 If you're going to quote from the Book of RevalationDon't keep calling it the Book of RevalationsThere's no 's', it's the Book of RevelationAs revealed to St John the DivineSee also Mary HopkinShe must despairYou've got a $h1t arm and that's a bad tattooYou've got a $h1t arm and that's a bad tattooBusk when it's ChristmasYou only busk when it's Cristmas$h1t armBad tattoo$h1t armBad tattooFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's $h1t Arm, Bad Tattoo, Achtung Bono, August 2005.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 The second best time I ever hadWas when they asked me and my DadTo organise a festivalAlong the lines of DonningtonWe took Chirk Airfield as our siteBooked the bands we thought were rightReceived the long-range from the MetThey said it could be very wetWith this in mind we thought it wiseTo call the whole caboodle offThe best time that I ever hadWas when we didn't tell the bandsBoob Boom BoomLet me hear you say hosepipe banFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's A Shropshire Lad, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 27, 2005 Report Share Posted October 27, 2005 Draggin my guitar 'round maternity wardI was in search of the umbilical chordBut it was all in vainSo I jumped on a trainAnd when I reached my homeThe kids were on the patioLooking quite upsetSo I asked them what was wrong, and they saidIn thereThere's an Albert Hammond bootleg in the houseIn thereAn Albert Hammond bootleg in the houseSome manWho introduced himself as Stanley RousCame inAnd left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the houseTalking to a girl on the South coast of FranceShe was on an 18-30 but I still took a chanceThen on the last night as (we departed) MarseilleShe said Robin Askwith was funnyOh God, how I long for a dangerous wave, so ICould surf myself towards an early grave, I wouldRather talk to plankton than to dance with youI hope your plane back home's a DC10Oh God, how I long for a dangerous wave, so ICould surf myself towards an early grave, I wouldRather talk to plankton than to dance with youI hope your plane back home's a DC10To stop your curiosity I dug up Logie bairdAnd I asked him what petrified forests seeTo make them all so scaredFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's Albert Hammond Bootleg, Trumpton Riots E.P, 1986.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted October 31, 2005 Report Share Posted October 31, 2005 My girlfriend looks like Peggy MountWhat am I supposed to do?I'm up the creek and never mind the paddle boyI haven't even got a canoeI sold my soul to an arctic rollI went to hell on a red skidooI did the Shake 'n VacAnd broke my f***in' back andNow my library books are nine weeks overdueKnock KnockWho's there?The patron saint of LlandudnoPatron Saint of Llandudno who?Tony BastableYou scratch my backAnd I'll scratch yoursAnd I'll be in heaven before youI love you because you look like Jim ReevesFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves), Back In The D.H.S.S., 1985.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted November 3, 2005 Report Share Posted November 3, 2005 Telephone callTelling me my old friend Graham had diedI took a rideDown to where ICould be of assistanceSaid to his wifeDont give in to grieving clich and turnHis side of the roomInto a shrineIt just doesnt workAnd over my shoulderGently I told herDead men dont need season ticketsNow that hes goneYoure going to need a helping hand with the lawnVarious choresNot least of allThose funeral arrangementsIf I were youId get yourself away from all that relatesA week in the lakesReasonable ratesEarly SeptemberNow Im no hotelierI just thought Id tell yerDead men dont need season ticketsMaybe Im forwardMaybe Im morbidDead men dont need season ticketsDead men dont need season ticketsIn the mortuaryIn the mortuaryIn the mortuaryIn the mortuaryIn the mortuaryFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's Dead Men Dont Need Season Tickets, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted November 4, 2005 Report Share Posted November 4, 2005 The A is for my authority which many players seem to question, thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind.B is for babies, which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way.C is for the continual criticism I receive from the touchline GET BACK IN YOUR TECHNICAL AREA!D is for the dunderheads who seem to think we have a conspiracy against their particular team.E is for the eerie silence, which echoes around the ground when Ive booked a home teams player and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it.F is for the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there.The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 90,000 a week and reckons he should have had a throw-in.H is for handball. Which has to be intentional, and very rarely is. If only people would study the rules more.I is for innocence. Pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger.J is for Ju-Jitsu. Which I quite intend to display given a dark alley and some of the narky blurts Ive encountered.The K is for the kissing of the badge. How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another club.L is for lip reading. At which you dont have to be an expert to see how odious some people are.M is for the mistakes we sometimes make. Surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal.The N is for the numbskull who during the Boxing day game asks me what else I got for Xmas besides my whistle an afternoon with your wife, mate!O is for offside. Which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been.P is for the penalty shoot out. Great drama and no pressure on me.Q is the quiet word which I sometimes need to have with some of the more fiery participants. I usually choose the word pleat.R is for running backwards. A difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate.The S is the suggestion that I should show a card to an opponent, by a player who has been awarded a free kick. He himself is more in danger of getting one for that.T is for the 21 man brawl, which is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving.U is for the umpire which I sometimes wish Id been instead. You never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the b@stard in the hatV is vitriol, vilification, vendetta and volley of verbal abuse.W is for Walter Pigeon. Whos Mr. Griffiths in How Green was my Valley I might have begun to sound like during this song. Where was the light I thought to see in your eye?. He says that to a young Hugh played by Roddie McDowellThe X! The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by a swarthy Portuguese defender who Ive just dismissed.Y is for Yate. The kind of town refs come from.And the Z. Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff, even Zondervan but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work. Without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs, and without refs well ZERO.See also Zatopek, Zeus, and Zeal Monachorum. I had a caravan there. Static, naturally.From Half Man Half Biscuit's The Referee's Alphabet, Cammell Laird Social Club, September 2002.hmhb.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamiesd Posted November 8, 2005 Report Share Posted November 8, 2005 Are there still tickets left? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie Posted November 8, 2005 Report Share Posted November 8, 2005 Yes there are Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted November 9, 2005 Report Share Posted November 9, 2005 It's the year 2163Chester Barnes has risen from the deadAnd he's coming round to creosote the fenceAnd I for one feel spartan and monasticAs the drama unfolds on the lawnThere's a wager between the staff and meThat Barnsey can't complete the job beforeI take my final Stannah up the stairs, to the starsPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songSssshhhh!Granddaughter doesn't want to knowEver since she got into the chartsAsk her what perfume she wearsSelf Righteous by Anita RoddickThe doctor overrates me in my roomAnd with the regularity of doomA geezer with a doubleneck guitarComes and tells me Tales from Topographic OceansPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songPapal entourage, give us a songSssshhhh!From Half Man Half Biscuit's This Leaden Pall, This Leaden Pall, October 1993.hmhb.co.ukHalf Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chilli Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 & if its not enough that hmhb are coming to aberdeen, then Robert LLoyd & The Nightingales (6 Peel Sessions & a whose who favoutire band) are in Aberdeen in December how we spoil youhttp://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,8305-1863716,00.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloud Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 It must be desperate times when people resort to plugging gigs in threads with no relevance at all... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graeme Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 The relevance is in the Peel session connection! Or was that too obvious? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowball Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 It must be desperate times when people resort to plugging gigs in threads with no relevance at all...i think that the audience that go to hmhb will very very interested in the nightingales Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloud Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 The relevance is in the Peel session connection! Or was that too obvious?I get it, but it's just starting to really grate when you're reading a thread, only to see random gig plugs :\One announcement in the gig discussion site would be more than enough, surely? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambchop Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 One way system, smooth and commendableGo by bus, they're highly dependableThe swings in the park for the kids have won awardsThe clean streets acknowledged in the LordsBut what's a park if you can't see a linnetA timetable if your journey's infiniteMy bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minuteFor what is Chatteris without you in it?Car crime's low, the gun crime's lowerThe Town Hall Band's CD, it's a growerYou never hear of folk getting knapped on the bonceAlthough there was a drive-by shouting onceBut there's a brass band everywhereAnd I don't drive so I don't careAs a Nightingale Sang in Berkeley SquareWhat is Chatteris if you're not there?Like a game bird reserve short on pheasantsWeaver's cottages devoid of tenantsA market town that lacks quintessenceThat is Chatteris without your presenceWhat is Chatteris if you're not there?What is Chatteris if you're not there?What is Chatteris if you're not there?What is Chatteris if you're not there?I may as well be in Ely or St IvesFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's For What Is Chatteris..., Achtung Bono, August 2005.hmhb.co.ukHalf Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowball Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 One way system' date=' smooth and commendableGo by bus, they're highly dependableThe swings in the park for the kids have won awardsThe clean streets acknowledged in the LordsBut what's a park if you can't see a linnetA timetable if your journey's infiniteMy bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minuteFor what is Chatteris without you in it?Car crime's low, the gun crime's lowerThe Town Hall Band's CD, it's a growerYou never hear of folk getting knapped on the bonceAlthough there was a drive-by shouting onceBut there's a brass band everywhereAnd I don't drive so I don't careAs a Nightingale Sang in Berkeley SquareWhat is Chatteris if you're not there?Like a game bird reserve short on pheasantsWeaver's cottages devoid of tenantsA market town that lacks quintessenceThat is Chatteris without your presenceWhat is Chatteris if you're not there?What is Chatteris if you're not there?What is Chatteris if you're not there?What is Chatteris if you're not there?I may as well be in Ely or St IvesFrom Half Man Half Biscuit's [i']For What Is Chatteris..., Achtung Bono, August 2005.hmhb.co.ukHalf Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd Novemberdo i detect an aknowledgement toward Robert Lloyd in your copy/paste lyrics. Oh how they have kept us amused & revitalised our interest in a cult classic band that JP was right to champion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dizzy Storm Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 I get it' date=' but it's just starting to really grate when you're reading a thread, only to see random gig plugs :\One announcement in the gig discussion site would be more than enough, surely?[/quote']well if you think about it (which you never seem to do)not everybody reads every thread on this website ( i know i dont ), people who are fans of HMHB will prob be interested in the nightingales, chilli probably posted to let HMHB fans knwo that this is coming to aberdeen and to stick it in the diary. incase they missed one of the threads about itwhats wrong with gig plugs anyway, the website was intended to discuss the music scene/gigs, not trying to egg on arguements between idiots about socks or guitar shredding etcas a promoter/all round genius on anything to do with music yourself, why not try and get behind local independent promoters rather than being petty on this website?xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloud Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 well if you think about it (which you never seem to do)not everybody reads every thread on this website ( i know i dont )' date=' people who are fans of HMHB will prob be interested in the nightingales, chilli probably posted to let HMHB fans knwo that this is coming to aberdeen and to stick it in the diary. incase they missed one of the threads about itwhats wrong with gig plugs anyway, the website was intended to discuss the music scene/gigs, not trying to egg on arguements between idiots about socks or guitar shredding etc[/quote']They're just repetitive, that's all. The gig announcements/discussion/etc is there for a reason, isn't it? And come on, you've used the site for your fair share of arguments before as a promoter/all round genius on anything to do with music yourself, why not try and get behind local independent promoters rather than being petty on this website?What's petty about making a comment about being sick of seeing stuff constantly pushed down my throat? It's a pain to see threads being hijacked for gigs, once in a while is understandable, but when you see constant mentions of the same old gigs, it starts to grate. I'm sure people would've been pissed off if there was constant mentions of Weapon playing Taste of Chaos - so what's the difference really? As for supporting independent promoters - I'll support anything if I like it, I don't care if it's DF Concerts or some tiny smalltime promoter from an obscure village - all the same at the end of the day, no? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dizzy Storm Posted November 10, 2005 Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 i havent seen any mention of the nightingales on the site bar that small plugsorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.