half man half buscuit

Lambchop · October 7, 2005

God I could murder a Cadbury's flake

But then I guess you wouldn't let me into Heaven

Or maybe you would, 'cos their adverts promote oral sex

A Romany bint in a field with her paints

Suggesting we faint at her beauty

But she's got Dickie Davies eyes...

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Dickie Davies Eyes, ACD, 1988.

hmhb.co.uk

qball83 · October 9, 2005

HMHB @ Lemon Tree

Was speaking to one of their mates who worked with me in Africa about 5 months ago - He told HMHB that Aberdeen was waiting for them to come up and play! Apparently Geoff Davies was waiting on my call to find out where they could play - Looks like they saved me a phone call or 2!!

Does anyone know if they have a support act lined up ?

While I was walking through my local store...

Searching for 10 pence off lenor

I suddenly bumped into this guy

On seeing who he was I gave a cry....

Fuckin 'Ell - It's Fred Titmus

And they also gave us Lionel Blair!

Going to be a great night out :cheers:

Lambchop · October 12, 2005

Talk to the hands, Talk to the hands

In my Joy Division oven gloves

Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

In my Joy Division oven gloves

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Joy Division Oven Gloves, Achtung Bono, August 2005.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 13, 2005

To the tune of He's Got the Whole World in his Hands...

They've got the whole world in their house

They've got the whole wide world in their house

They've got the whole world in their house

To see the new conservatory

They go ten-pin bowling after work

And they're getting married on a Caribbean beach

They know where things are in B&Q

And they've got The Joy of Sex video

They've got a German Shepherd dog called Prince

The one called Sheba died

They were due on The Crystal Maze

Yeah they were due to go on The Crystal Maze

They were due on The Crystal Maze

But they got mugged in Florida

They went up in a hot-air balloon

They declared their love in a hot-air balloon

Yeah, thay drank champagne in a hot-air balloon

And had a row on New Year's Eve

If I were a linesman...

... I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides

They've got nothing but total respect for

Yeah they've got nothing but total respect for

They've got nothing but total respect for

Annie Lennox

...and if I'd have known they were coming I'd have slashed me wrists!

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Paintball's Coming Home, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 18, 2005

A mistake has been made

It's a fact they can't hide

Though I'm partly to blame

It cannot be denied

There ain't no use pretending

It seems I've been tending

The wrong grave for twenty three years

A letter dropped onto my doormat one day

And I thought "I'll ignore that

It might go away"

And I took up my shears

To the place that for years

I presumed my sweet darling had lain

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Tending the Wrong Grave for 23 Years, Saucy Haulage Ballads, August 2003.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 20, 2005

Why, it's Mr Kowalski

It was you all along

That ski-lodge would've been mine

If it wasn't for you meddling kids

But what can you do

When your mum's in Rampton

Bouncing off the walls and singing

"Who's afraid

Of Virginia Wade?"

Why do it today

When you can always put it off

Until tomorrow

Was our motto

Subsequently engraved on a plaque

As a reminder of the attack

Of Vitas Gerulaitis

All fall down

We all fall down

Who's afraid of Virginia Wade?

An outbreak of Vitas Gerulaitis

There's an outbreak of Vitas Gerulaitis

In the town

We all fall down

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Outbreak of Vital Gerulaitis, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt, 1991.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 24, 2005

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revalation

Don't keep calling it the Book of Revalations

There's no 's', it's the Book of Revelation

As revealed to St John the Divine

See also Mary Hopkin

She must despair

You've got a $h1t arm and that's a bad tattoo

Busk when it's Christmas

You only busk when it's Cristmas

$h1t arm

Bad tattoo

$h1t arm

Bad tattoo

From Half Man Half Biscuit's $h1t Arm, Bad Tattoo, Achtung Bono, August 2005.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 25, 2005

The second best time I ever had

Was when they asked me and my Dad

To organise a festival

Along the lines of Donnington

We took Chirk Airfield as our site

Booked the bands we thought were right

Received the long-range from the Met

They said it could be very wet

With this in mind we thought it wise

To call the whole caboodle off

The best time that I ever had

Was when we didn't tell the bands

Boob Boom Boom

Let me hear you say hosepipe ban

From Half Man Half Biscuit's A Shropshire Lad, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 27, 2005

Draggin my guitar 'round maternity ward

I was in search of the umbilical chord

But it was all in vain

So I jumped on a train

And when I reached my home

The kids were on the patio

Looking quite upset

So I asked them what was wrong, and they said

In there

There's an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house

In there

An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house

Some man

Who introduced himself as Stanley Rous

Came in

And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house

Talking to a girl on the South coast of France

She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance

Then on the last night as (we departed) Marseille

She said Robin Askwith was funny

Oh God, how I long for a dangerous wave, so I

Could surf myself towards an early grave, I would

Rather talk to plankton than to dance with you

I hope your plane back home's a DC10

Oh God, how I long for a dangerous wave, so I

Could surf myself towards an early grave, I would

Rather talk to plankton than to dance with you

I hope your plane back home's a DC10

To stop your curiosity I dug up Logie baird

And I asked him what petrified forests see

To make them all so scared

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Albert Hammond Bootleg, Trumpton Riots E.P, 1986.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · October 31, 2005

My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount

What am I supposed to do?

I'm up the creek and never mind the paddle boy

I haven't even got a canoe

I sold my soul to an arctic roll

I went to hell on a red skidoo

I did the Shake 'n Vac

And broke my f***in' back and

Now my library books are nine weeks overdue

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The patron saint of Llandudno

Patron Saint of Llandudno who?

Tony Bastable

You scratch my back

And I'll scratch yours

And I'll be in heaven before you

I love you because you look like Jim Reeves

From Half Man Half Biscuit's I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves), Back In The D.H.S.S., 1985.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · November 3, 2005

Telephone call

Telling me my old friend Graham had died

I took a ride

Down to where I

Could be of assistance

Said to his wife

Dont give in to grieving clich and turn

His side of the room

Into a shrine

It just doesnt work

And over my shoulder

Gently I told her

Dead men dont need season tickets

Now that hes gone

Youre going to need a helping hand with the lawn

Various chores

Not least of all

Those funeral arrangements

If I were you

Id get yourself away from all that relates

A week in the lakes

Reasonable rates

Early September

Now Im no hotelier

I just thought Id tell yer

Dead men dont need season tickets

Maybe Im forward

Maybe Im morbid

Dead men dont need season tickets

In the mortuary

From Half Man Half Biscuit's Dead Men Dont Need Season Tickets, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road, July 1997.

hmhb.co.uk

Lambchop · November 4, 2005

The A is for my authority which many players seem to question, thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind.

B is for babies, which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way.

C is for the continual criticism I receive from the touchline GET BACK IN YOUR TECHNICAL AREA!

D is for the dunderheads who seem to think we have a conspiracy against their particular team.

E is for the eerie silence, which echoes around the ground when Ive booked a home teams player and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it.

F is for the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there.

The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 90,000 a week and reckons he should have had a throw-in.

H is for handball. Which has to be intentional, and very rarely is. If only people would study the rules more.

I is for innocence. Pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger.

J is for Ju-Jitsu. Which I quite intend to display given a dark alley and some of the narky blurts Ive encountered.

The K is for the kissing of the badge. How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another club.

L is for lip reading. At which you dont have to be an expert to see how odious some people are.

M is for the mistakes we sometimes make. Surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal.

The N is for the numbskull who during the Boxing day game asks me what else I got for Xmas besides my whistle an afternoon with your wife, mate!

O is for offside. Which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been.

P is for the penalty shoot out. Great drama and no pressure on me.

Q is the quiet word which I sometimes need to have with some of the more fiery participants. I usually choose the word pleat.

R is for running backwards. A difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate.

The S is the suggestion that I should show a card to an opponent, by a player who has been awarded a free kick. He himself is more in danger of getting one for that.

T is for the 21 man brawl, which is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving.

U is for the umpire which I sometimes wish Id been instead. You never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the b@stard in the hat

V is vitriol, vilification, vendetta and volley of verbal abuse.

W is for Walter Pigeon. Whos Mr. Griffiths in How Green was my Valley I might have begun to sound like during this song. Where was the light I thought to see in your eye?. He says that to a young Hugh played by Roddie McDowell

The X! The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by a swarthy Portuguese defender who Ive just dismissed.

Y is for Yate. The kind of town refs come from.

And the Z. Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff, even Zondervan but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work. Without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs, and without refs well ZERO.

See also Zatopek, Zeus, and Zeal Monachorum. I had a caravan there. Static, naturally.

From Half Man Half Biscuit's The Referee's Alphabet, Cammell Laird Social Club, September 2002.

hmhb.co.uk

jamiesd · November 8, 2005

Are there still tickets left?

Jamie · November 8, 2005

Yes there are

Lambchop · November 9, 2005

It's the year 2163

Chester Barnes has risen from the dead

And he's coming round to creosote the fence

And I for one feel spartan and monastic

As the drama unfolds on the lawn

There's a wager between the staff and me

That Barnsey can't complete the job before

I take my final Stannah up the stairs, to the stars

Papal entourage, give us a song

Sssshhhh!

Granddaughter doesn't want to know

Ever since she got into the charts

Ask her what perfume she wears

Self Righteous by Anita Roddick

The doctor overrates me in my room

And with the regularity of doom

A geezer with a doubleneck guitar

Comes and tells me Tales from Topographic Oceans

Papal entourage, give us a song

Sssshhhh!

From Half Man Half Biscuit's This Leaden Pall, This Leaden Pall, October 1993.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

chilli · November 10, 2005

& if its not enough that hmhb are coming to aberdeen, then Robert LLoyd &

The Nightingales (6 Peel Sessions & a whose who favoutire band) are in Aberdeen in December

how we spoil you

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,8305-1863716,00.html

Cloud · November 10, 2005

It must be desperate times when people resort to plugging gigs in threads with no relevance at all...

Graeme · November 10, 2005

The relevance is in the Peel session connection! Or was that too obvious?

lowball · November 10, 2005

It must be desperate times when people resort to plugging gigs in threads with no relevance at all...

i think that the audience that go to hmhb will very very interested in the nightingales

Cloud · November 10, 2005

The relevance is in the Peel session connection! Or was that too obvious?

I get it, but it's just starting to really grate when you're reading a thread, only to see random gig plugs :\

One announcement in the gig discussion site would be more than enough, surely?

Lambchop · November 10, 2005

One way system, smooth and commendable

Go by bus, they're highly dependable

The swings in the park for the kids have won awards

The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords

But what's a park if you can't see a linnet

A timetable if your journey's infinite

My bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minute

For what is Chatteris without you in it?

Car crime's low, the gun crime's lower

The Town Hall Band's CD, it's a grower

You never hear of folk getting knapped on the bonce

Although there was a drive-by shouting once

But there's a brass band everywhere

And I don't drive so I don't care

As a Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square

What is Chatteris if you're not there?

Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants

Weaver's cottages devoid of tenants

A market town that lacks quintessence

That is Chatteris without your presence

What is Chatteris if you're not there?

I may as well be in Ely or St Ives

From Half Man Half Biscuit's For What Is Chatteris..., Achtung Bono, August 2005.

hmhb.co.uk

Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

lowball · November 10, 2005

One way system' date=' smooth and commendable
Go by bus, they're highly dependable
The swings in the park for the kids have won awards
The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords
But what's a park if you can't see a linnet
A timetable if your journey's infinite
My bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minute
For what is Chatteris without you in it?
Car crime's low, the gun crime's lower
The Town Hall Band's CD, it's a grower
You never hear of folk getting knapped on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once
But there's a brass band everywhere
And I don't drive so I don't care
As a Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square
What is Chatteris if you're not there?
Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants
Weaver's cottages devoid of tenants
A market town that lacks quintessence
That is Chatteris without your presence
What is Chatteris if you're not there?
What is Chatteris if you're not there?
What is Chatteris if you're not there?
What is Chatteris if you're not there?
I may as well be in Ely or St Ives
From Half Man Half Biscuit's [i']For What Is Chatteris..., Achtung Bono, August 2005.
hmhb.co.uk
Half Man Half Biscuit LIVE at The Lemon Tree - Wednesday 23rd November

do i detect an aknowledgement toward Robert Lloyd in your copy/paste lyrics. Oh how they have kept us amused & revitalised our interest in a cult classic band that JP was right to champion.

Dizzy Storm · November 10, 2005

I get it' date=' but it's just starting to really grate when you're reading a thread, only to see random gig plugs :\
One announcement in the gig discussion site would be more than enough, surely?[/quote']
well if you think about it (which you never seem to do)
not everybody reads every thread on this website ( i know i dont ), people who are fans of HMHB will prob be interested in the nightingales, chilli probably posted to let HMHB fans knwo that this is coming to aberdeen and to stick it in the diary. incase they missed one of the threads about it
whats wrong with gig plugs anyway, the website was intended to discuss the music scene/gigs, not trying to egg on arguements between idiots about socks or guitar shredding etc
as a promoter/all round genius on anything to do with music yourself, why not try and get behind local independent promoters rather than being petty on this website?
xxx

Cloud · November 10, 2005

well if you think about it (which you never seem to do)
not everybody reads every thread on this website ( i know i dont )' date=' people who are fans of HMHB will prob be interested in the nightingales, chilli probably posted to let HMHB fans knwo that this is coming to aberdeen and to stick it in the diary. incase they missed one of the threads about it
whats wrong with gig plugs anyway, the website was intended to discuss the music scene/gigs, not trying to egg on arguements between idiots about socks or guitar shredding etc[/quote']
They're just repetitive, that's all. The gig announcements/discussion/etc is there for a reason, isn't it?
And come on, you've used the site for your fair share of arguments before
as a promoter/all round genius on anything to do with music yourself, why not try and get behind local independent promoters rather than being petty on this website?
What's petty about making a comment about being sick of seeing stuff constantly pushed down my throat? It's a pain to see threads being hijacked for gigs, once in a while is understandable, but when you see constant mentions of the same old gigs, it starts to grate. I'm sure people would've been pissed off if there was constant mentions of Weapon playing Taste of Chaos - so what's the difference really?
As for supporting independent promoters - I'll support anything if I like it, I don't care if it's DF Concerts or some tiny smalltime promoter from an obscure village - all the same at the end of the day, no?

Dizzy Storm · November 10, 2005

i havent seen any mention of the nightingales on the site bar that small plug

sorry

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