I am emo,

[jon]

I AM POSTROCK

from the lips of many, but too good to be hidden

I present, the Post Rock News......

Hi, I'm Gates McFadden. Welcome to post-rock news. This new section aims

to keep you up to date with all the exciting developments in the world

of vaguely experimental, mostly American twiddlecore. Oh yeah, and we

stuck some electronica news in at the bottom, to make us seem more

eclectic.

*****

Michigan-based 27-piece arsecore collective EYE AND THE RAINING

TELESCOPE are to play a series of low-key gigs across the UK. On this

tour, they'll play songs from their last album "I Can Hear A Million

Shatners" on upturned wheelie bins.

New Jersey monotorockers GROO! have recorded a 3 day long song. The

track, which consists of the same 2 really difficult guitar chords,

which don't really go together, played over and over again, had to be

recorded onto a special tape that the band built themselves.

Bolivian nose-flute abusers WE ARE NEU KOLOMBINE ECHO RANGER! play at

The 13th Note on December the 33rd in a bid to escape the fascism of

dates.

FLAMING GENERAL - featuring members of THE SEA AND CAKE and PLEXI will

be releasing a limited edition 7" later in the year. Pressed on ice it

can only be played by those cool enough to own it.

BO! NONSELECTORTRON are playing a short tour of Red Cross Hostels in a

bid to weed out non-fans and arseholes from their audience. Support

comes from DEGRASSI.

Back with The Sea And Cake - they are teaming up with THE DEAD C and

NICK CAVE to form THE DEAD SEA AND BIRTHDAY CAKE, a band that will play

nothing but King Crimson covers on planks of wood and maybe string.

Finally, Mark Knopfler's DIRE STRAITS are to work with Steve Albini.

Said Mark "There has always been a post rock element to our music. Well,

people have said we are boring as shit".

All the way from Toronto "!:::~###" will be playing at the Arches in

Glasgow right now. The gig finished a few moments ago and the band have

now returned to the Airport to leave the country. If you weren't there

you obviously hate music.

ALI G is to appear on the next TORTOISE album in a bid by John McEntire

to give the band some 'street'.

A band made up of only animals? Yup!

VOSSY VOSSY VOSSY (FIST F*CK) are five dogs and a hamster playing

angular noise rock. Sadly they are very derivative of Shellac and

bassist Rover has rabies.

BAGUETTE ADVENTURE are a new sound in our

faces, known as the 'Irish Slint' by Felcher Fanzine. They will be

deconstructing Boyzone songs for pennies and chocolate outside Fopp for

a short period on Saturday. They might wear Christmas Steps to appeal to

the kiddies. Go!

NEU-RON are a fresh signing to Record Records. Spotted by Brad Smith at

a primary school review they represent the new queercore sound.

Interestingly, none of the members are gay though one of them was once

happy.

The movie "Plock!" is released next week at two terribly trendy

art-house cinemas. The sound track was performed by THE MAGMA CORE 93, a

sound force collective featuring members of PAPA M, UI, TRANS AM and

MIDNIGHT OIL. The music is mostly triangular in nature, and grey. The

Midnight Oil part of the line up will be touring schools in spring with

support from LAETO.

Self styled "God of You!" STEVE MALKMUS is vowing to

kill all who stand against him.

Australians COME UNDER NEATH TENTER will be bringing their unique brand

of folkf*ck to the Barrowlands market on Friday morning, around 9.03am,

near the man who sells second-hand trousers. Shit your head off with

their brown sound.

Finally, DANIEL JOHNSON, tone-deaf savant and hero to

the late and very much not alive Kurt Cobain, is recording his new album

with 80's pop gurner RICK ASTLEY. Rick said that he was "never going to

run around and desert you".

CLAM THRAP MISTER YEAH are the new Steve

Albini-endorsed band. Playing a blend of hardcore, post rock, noise and

gay disco, they were recorded by the man himself in his GOD OF NOISE

studio just outside Chicago. This studio runs alongside his main one,

but uses only pre-1910 recording equipment to get a "real" sound. They

are signed to Epic.

The THE COMPLETE CUNTS hail from Texas. Their live

shows are supposed to be incredible, playing inside a concrete chamber,

with all the music piped out into the venue. The drummer uses a kiddies

drum kit mic'd through EIGHT Big Muff pedals, they have nine guitar

players and one monkey on stylophone. The atmosphere inside the chamber

is reported to be "close". They support NINE LITTLE MEN INSIDE ONE

GUITAR throughout the UK soon.

MERCURY TILT SWITCH are from Dundee. They have had members for two

years. They play rock type music.

The hottest tour of the fall, State-side, is from New Jersey-based ZINQ,

playing a melange of metal, hardcore, free jazz, speed metal, grindcore,

death metal and grunge. Brad Weener of the band said of their recent

tour "It's like totally cool the vibe we're gettin', man. It's cool to

get all that pain out. All the colleges we're playing at seem, like,

totally, totally level, y'know?" Support came from BUSH.

HAIL MY RUPTURED RETICULE, the hotly-tipped 10-piece frondle-core outfit

from Squirreltrap, Kentucky, will be standing in a room, naked except

for diapers and straw hats, staring at you...thin threads of saliva

hanging from their half-open mouths. Support from THE SUPERNATURALS.

Experimental post-ironic pop group WESTLIFE will be creating a group

performance this week with a participation audience of media savvy eight

year olds, who will wave and scream throughout the performance in

imitation of sad boyband fans.

THE FOR CARNATION's next album will only be available on Betamax - a

Sony-devised home video cassette format which went out of use almost two

decades ago. When asked for a quote, David Pajo ran around in circles

flapping his arms and squawking like a bird. For two weeks.

It looks

like speed-math-rockers IT'S A HUGE FLAMING HORSE'S ASS have the

post-rock hit of the summer on their hands, with their interpretation of

the theme tune to popular TV drama "Minder". The band have confessed to

us that the catchy counter riffs during the 11/4 section were actually

played on two tennis racquets.

It turns out that side one of pre-ironic

beard-wearer MIKE OLDFIELD's "Tubular Bells" is better than SLINT'S

genre-defining, ripped-off to buggery, post-rock watershed album

"Spiderland". I heard a guy say so in the pub.

"We're gay, we're bald,

we like experimental ambient rock, and writing in medieval English".

That's the slogan of new Chicago outfit THE GAYE BALDYE EXPERYMENTALLE

AM'BYENTE ROCKE BANDE.

ZZSCHNIT hit the UK for the first time later this

month. As part of a bizarre situationist art stunt, the controversial

Kentucky-based 19-piece will be playing as part of a Britpop revival

tour. Support comes from TINY MONROE and MENSWEAR.

Brian Eno has denied

rumours he's set to join MOGWAI as gimp. "I deny the rumours that I'm

going to join Mogwai as gimp," said the bald dwarf. His role in the band

will be as rhythm ambient noises, in a supporting role for Barry Burns

who's been in the band for two years on lead ambient noises.

PAPA M's Dave Pajo has described his rejoining of the FOR CARNATION,

reuniting him with former Slint partner Brian McMahon, as "excellent".

He said, "It's excellent. Brian had all these lovely spacey atmospheric

songs on tape, and then I decided to play lots of weird chords and

arpeggios over it. We then decided to release it on Betamax because,

y'know, we want to stay true to our obscure roots. I thought the

Carnation, as I like to call them, were getting too mainstream. They had

tunes, for God's sake!". When quizzed on why he released an EP of shit

country tunes, he ran away. He was later seen eating curly wurlies in a

rabbit hutch.

KRAFTWERK's post-rock remix album is out next week. "The Modal" features

reworkings by TORTOISE, DAVE PAJO, PAPA M, KEVIN SHIELDS,

UNGABANGABUGGABUMnow!, SCRAPE ELEPHANT and THURSTON MOORE'S DAD

PATRICK'S BIG GREY COCK. All of the bands reworked "The Model" and came

up with exactly the same tune, despite the fact that they were working

in isolation. Kraftwerk are said to be "delighted" with the results.

RAMSAY STREET'S MADGE is the new Australian band making waves down

there. They have yet to record these sonic oscillations, but Steve

Albini is interested.

Richard Branson's V2 records have signed MIKE OLDFIELD. Tubular Bells 4

and 5 are being recorded and will be released back to back, like the

last two Back to the Future films. Volume 4 features a collaboration

with David Pajo. Volume 5 is jungle. Yick.

ARS SNIP SNIP SNIP

YAHOOLIGANMEGADEATHCRIMESQUAD are touring Dundee next Spring. Support

from ASUKA, they play 13 times in the small city at various Ned pubs,

and a night at the Westie.

GEORGE GARFIELD THAT USED TO BE IN THE BILL BUT IS NOW IN EASTENDERS

played their first gig at London Zoo, yesterday. Featuring members of

bass trio ROTHKO and BILLY MAHONIE, they were said to "have frightened

the polar bears". All members played bass.

Electronica News

Don't miss

MY EEL IS PRESIDENT JOHNSON when they hit your town as part of their

forthcoming UK tour. The obscure German avant-garde composers make

electronic music by rubbing toy telephones together. One of them plays a

theremin as well, but only at the soundcheck.

Modern day Krautrockers

CYLINDERICAL ARCSECOND TOROID play experimental music using their own

decimal scale, with it's controversial "H" and "I" notes. Putting the

'mmmm' into 'microtonality'. Support comes from PRO-FORMA.

Digital noise

mayhem with experimental art-noise combo GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG MAHATMA -

FAREWELL! YOU DARK LOCOMOTIVE. All they actually do is play old Foghat

records on a really cheap stereo with the speakers wrapped in tracing

paper and human excrement. I think it's supposed to be ironic or

something - their sampler rack has a picture of a nude Japanese

schoolgirl suggestively holding a cucumber on it.

[confession]

Wish I was emo...what talent. Can sense alot of tears went into that poem.

[lazy pixie]

poem 1

My dude friend is dead

That's what i said

dead in the head

mr. ed mr. ed mr. ed

you see it's not such a mystery

you and me will never live in misery

beat the heat beat the heat

beat it beat it

every strand of your hair there

i care for everywhere every strand of your hair

I'm there

I care for every strand of your hair

i care for every strand of her hair

gravity of something that is everything

is the only thing that means anything to me

my third eye makes them not wanna die

this is for you this is for you

she's swimming through the sea

she sees what i see

the meaning of the three parts of be

she's screaming all over me

I feel her in me all over me

accomplishing accomplishment

my tents walls are line with cement

I am the one that can't be bent

so fond of being fond

in the end i am just fond

how beautiful. From now on, I will never be able to look at the word 'fond' without a little tear in my eye.

[Gumpy]

i dont care.

i find it funny though' date=' that alot of people on this thread actually think the guy posted that poem sincerely. idiots.[/quote']i did to

[Guest Main Agent]

Heres some lyrics

*removed*

sorry, I posted that without permission.

[Fast Caz]

rectal prolapse is by far funnier than this

i think i'll go hjave one anyone care to join

[NARC]

beat it beat it

No, you're just a (bad) plagiariser of "Aneuyrism".

[sludge]

cheer up' date=' emo kid.[/quote']

pot.kettle.black.

calum go play with traffic or something. jesus christ.

[*Amy*]

Days Forgiven In August

by Dan Atom

I love the pretty flowers,

They smell so nice and lovely,

I love the little animals,

They make my heart all bubbly.

I love my floppy woppy fringe,

And scarf and cardy too,

I love to picnic in the park,

And write poems just for you.

But most of all I love to love,

The love I give away,

Cos I'm a faggy emo geek,

And I'm so fucking gay.