Soda Jerk

Is Jonjo Shelvey the stupidest footballer in the country?

Agree about Wagner. He has something a little likeable about him, but is definitely a total lunatic. With the platform of the Premier League we will soon see all sides of him. I'm looking forward to them being on the receiving end of an unjust penalty against them. It will be like when Ian Holloways Blackpool came up and nobody knew who this gobshite was, despite him being a gobshite for years. And he's still a gobshite, just without the platform. Regardless. Every manager is a gargantuan cunt. There seems to be media darlings for one reason or another, but it would be far easier if we could all get on board with every manager being a raving sociopath. You just have to be to reach that level success and absorb that much pressure day to day. They should all be treated as wrestling heels. Ultra bastards, every single one. No exceptions. Not Bilic and his rock band, not the charming everyman Pellegrini. Not anyone. Klopp seems to get away with murder because of supposed passion, where some managers have been fined and banned for less than he's done, possibly because between the moments of having the 4th official in a headlock and punching his chest repeatedly, he's smiling and joking in his pressers, giving the media pleasant lip service and just being a bit of a goof. It seems to take the focus off some of his ridiculous excuses and tirades, yet I still quite like him, even though he's probably the biggest loony of them all. It's probably where your dour miseries like Wenger and Mourinho are going wrong. They don't get the same leeway, because they're miserable all the time and are known for being so. Mourinho used to, back when he used to smile and having feelings, and his interactions with the press were light hearted. He seemed a fun guy, until Madrid stomped on his soul. Now he's an easy target, like Wenger. The media know what to ask them to get the moaning to pour out. Two of the most impossible to like people.

Nice of Neymar to pay tribute to his dad, and the amount of millions he was about to earn from the transfer fee when he signed for Barca.

Is Stevie May really wearing the #83 shirt permanently? I thought it was for a bit of publicity at the unveiling.

The no defending rule seems to be continuing in the Watford/Liverpool game. It's been ace. Horribly ace. Just bloody awful. Which is great. I hope it's a full season of Kevin Keegan football from all 20 teams. Well, a maximum of 19 teams. Mourinho won't do that. Because Mourinho. He's no fun.

Great game last night. I love a good comeback and I especially love a game where both teams forget how to defend. Agree on Kolasinac. He looks handy. He has the positioning of a drunk baby, but he recovers by being a mad, hard bastard who will just twat anyone in half. Decent on the ball too. Where is Cazorla? He's been injured for about 3 years now. Is Wilshere still a thing? Is he still at Arsenal? Is he still alive? Lacazette scored with his 2nd touch in Premier League football. First being the kick off. Cool stat is cool. if you're after a non serious podcast, Athletico Mince is a right laugh. They promise 7% football content, but it's mostly about Bob Mortimers health. Its the only sports podcast I keep up with, and it's not really a sports podcast. I'll give the James Richardson one a go though.

I'd read a few tweets saying he'd be cup tied if he played against Hoffenheim. I'm going by the rule that if it appears on Twitter via more than two sources, it means it's definitely true and I don't have to research it. You're right that Liverpool don't have to sell, similar to how Southampton don't have to sell VVD, as both signed 6 year contracts just last year. You shouldn't be signing a 6 year deal unless you're at the club you absolutely want to be at. Asking to leave a year later is a total dick move. I dig that clubs are showing a bit more muscle here, but I don't know how successful they're going to be. On the flipside, holding on to a player who doesn't want to be there is toxic. There's little benefit to the parent club and the dressing room, and there seems to be very few cases where a player made it pubic they wanted to leave, didn't leave and then knuckled down again. The only one I can think of is David De Gea (There was always Rooney, but I don't think he ever wanted to leave. He just wanted the £££). I think once a player's head is turned and concrete bids are made, the best for all involved is to ship out. Coutinho does seem to have a genuine affection for the club though, so if any player was to come back in to the fold after asking to leave, it would be him. The relationship between Southampton and VVD looks beyond repair, now that he's training alone and taking shots at the club. Lanzini isn't at Coutinho's level, but he's very similar in terms of playing style. I think he'd be a great fit for that slightly deeper role Coutinho was playing last year. Or Liverpool might go for a centre forward and push Firmino back. If If Kylian MMM-Bop goes to PSG, Cavani might be up for grabs. Cavani with Mane and Salah at either side would be stupid. Funny how all these players openly want to leave, and are injured What are the chances?

Coutinho has asked to leave. That was only a matter of time. The "categorically not for sale" line only comes out when a player's head is turned. Seems like there was only a couple of hours between Liverpool saying he's not for sale and Coutinho putting in a transfer request. They should sell quickly, to stop it lingering on and hampering their start in the league and CL qualifier. And if they play him in the qualifier, he's cup tied, that'll knock a fair chunk off his value. Get rid and buy Lanzini for less than half the price. Good player, very underrated.

Good read that. I don't have an issue with Rose's reasons for possibly wanting out. I actually didn't realise he was 27 (When did that happen?!) so it's normal that he's possibly looking at Walker going to City with a bit of envy, having a decent chance of trophies whilst doubling his salary. I think it was a poor decision to go bleating all of his thoughts and feelings to The Sun, though. Spurs really should have won the league when Leicester did. That was their chance, when all the top clubs failed miserably. With their financial restraints, and shifting between 3 stadiums in the next couple of years, I think their chance has come and gone. They might keep Kane long-term, as he appears to love the club. I'd be surprised if Alli isn't at a bigger (richer) club in the next year or two.

Yeah I can't see them playing Aguero and Jesus too often either. I'd assumed it would be Silva in place of one of them. The new Silva. Two Silvas on the pitch is going to be stupid.

Blind won't be first choice centre back under Mourinho. He is probably 5th in the pecking order for that position. Mourinho had him there at the start of last season, but it didn't last long. He played Darmian, Tuanzebe and Fosu Mensah before playing Blind there in the 2nd half of last season. It'll most likely be Bailly and Rojo in the middle, but Rojo is out until December, so likely to be Smalling or Jones next to Bailly until then. Smalling didn't have the best of seasons, interrupted by injuries, but he's still the best pure defender at the club IMO. Rojo the best all-rounder. Bailly is a lunatic, but he usually uses his lunacy for good. Shocking in the air though. He jumps higher than the ball every time,then tries to head downwards and almost ends up doing a somersault. There's time for Lindelof to step up, but I've not seen anything about him yet. Then again, Vidic was LOLbad when he first joined. So, y'never know. Rojo is awful at full back. If they don't bring in a LB before the window closes, it'll be Darmian and Blind out there, with a bit of Ashley Young now and again. And maybe Shaw when he returns from the dead. I'm still not sold on Mkhitaryan. Owen Hargreaves keeps bleating on about how "Awesome" he is on BT Sport, because he likes to let everyone know that he watches the Bundesliga, but he's not done it all that often for United. I still prefer Mata. Mkhitaryan is wasteful and takes some ridiculous shots from daft angles. Mata rarely wastes a ball. He's been United's most consistent (non De Gea) player since Moyes brought him in, and seems good for a consistent 10 goals and 10 assists a season. Doesn't have the ups and downs Mkhi has. They're both a bit slow though, and both are better behind the striker than out wide. I do think they need a winger because besides Rashford/Martial (no chance they'll play at the same time, because Mourinho) there's not enough threatening pace in that side. Shaw is quick, if he is still alive. Valencia has lost a bit of his pace. He's still got his top speed, but doesn't have that acceleration he used to have. Lukaku is pretty quick, but won't be able to use it as much if he's occupying the centre backs. They need some pace out wide to stretch defences, or the attack will all go through the middle. They should throw it all at Sanchez. Year left on his contract, seems to be humping about leaving anyway, Arsenal surely can't let him leave for nothing next summer.

Forgot about that. They didn't look too great at Wembley in the Europa League, though I don't know if that is because they didn't really want to be in it. Are they allowed to fill up the full 80,000?

It was definitely the worst unbeaten run of all time. Specialists in draws. I do, however, think the bluntness was often caused by Ibrahimovic's invincibility. So many games he was the worst player on the pitch, who just wouldn't move, wouldn't run, wouldn't even leap for a header and instead was just throwing an audacious kung-fu kick towards an aerial ball, and inevitably giving away a foul, because you can't kick people in the face. He played the full 90 every week, stopping Rashford or Martial from getting on the pitch, when so many games he should have come off at half time. 16 goals I think he got. If he could actually move, he could have got double that. I'm sure he has a good highlight reel for 16/17, but watching him every week was often excruciating. Magic touch, but ultimately he didn't give a fuck. Oh, and his free kicks. Apart from the one he fluked in the League Cup final, he just fucked them all straight in to the wall every time, yet he took every single one. I think Lukaku has a good chance of changing that, because he will run and he will fight, and he won't be invincible to getting yanked at the hour mark if he's having a stinker. He hasn't earned that status like Zlatan had. United's chance creation last season was one of the best in the league, but whenever a good ball was fizzed across goal, Zlatan would be stood outside the box with his hands on his hips. I'm looking forward to seeing United led by Lukaku and not the undroppable Ibrahimovic. Lukaku will be on the shoulder, and much closer to those fizzed balls across goal. His presence and pace should make them less blunt going forwards. Especially if one of Martial or Rashford is flanking him. They still won't get close to the title though. A push for 2nd or 3rd place, one of the domestic cups and CL quarter finals would be a reasonable season. They've not strengthened enough, and I don't see much happening in the next 2 weeks to change that. As for the Glazers, they inject very little of their own money into the club. They're not cash-rich folk. Their cash is tied up in equity, one being United, which they acquired via loans and pay said loan off via United's profits, so they will eventually have acquired the club for nothing, in like, another 20 years. United spend via their own revenues (I'm led to believe Pogba is one of the only deals they have contributed to in a long time) which is why they can't really compete with the oil rich guys who own City and PSG. I don't think the Glazers will ever be done with the club until the revenues they siphon off have paid off their debt.

City need a centre back to be concrete favourites IMO. Stones has swathes of being truly godawful, and moments where he is passable at best. He's a good dribbler, passer and good technique as a footballer, better than most centre backs I would think, but as a pure defender, a stopper, a tackler, in the air? He is rather poor in all those areas, as well as his positioning. Otamendi being the exact opposite who is a great last ditch defender, but looks terrified of the ball. Kompany can do it all, but fitness is a question mark, and he is probably beyond his peak. An 80% fit Kompany is still better than those two though. They definitely need one more. If they can do that, I think they'll be runaway favourites. They've brought in good fullbacks though. Mendy especially. Walker is good, but still a bit brainless, despite now being in what should be his peak years. He'll cause problems with his pace regardless. But Mendy might just be the best crosser of the ball in the game right now. God knows they've needed delivery from outwide for a long time, and never had it. No idea about their goalkeeper situation. Ederson cost a lot of money, so that must mean he's good, right? They need to bin Bravo anyway. Not sure about Chelsea and Spurs. Chelsea look likely to lose Costa, and I'm not sure how well Morata will replace him, as he's not been a consistent starter anywhere yet. He is supposedly a bit overweight right now as well. Bakayoko is a good player, but I don't think he replaces Matic directly. Bakayoko looks quite a gung ho destroyer, almost like Kante. Matic brought a lot of composure to the midfield. It'll be interesting to see how their midfield plays now. Sounds like Danny Rose wants out at Spurs. Losing your two first choice full backs without strengthening wouldn't be good for them. Amongst the top 6, Spurs seem to be the lowest payers, and with Walker getting out and Rose saying "pay me what I'm worth", it's possibly not sustainable. They might have to change thir wage structure, or prepare to lose a few more. Not convinced United will come close to winning the league. They wasted all summer sniffing around Perisic from Inter, who isn't even that good. He bombed at Dortmund. Did okay at Wolfsburg, until they binned him for £8m. Now Inter want £50m+ for him? Nah. United need a winger, but it might be too late to get one now, for all the dancing around Perisic. All whilst Douglas Costa left Bayern for Juve for £30m, a much better player. Lukaku and Matic are strong signings. Matic was United's best player in the Super Cup by a distance. I think Lukaku will be better than Ibrahimovic, as he can actually run, and I disagree that he will be less involved in the build up. Zlatan's involvement in overall play was poor, as was his running to streth the defence. Lukaku will run in behind, occupy defenders and cause more problems. He doesn't quite have that magic touch Zlatan had, but Zlatan was still a frustrating player to watch despite that. United need a left back too. 3 seasons of Luke Shaw and he's barely played. He's either fat or injured. Darmian is a right footer forced out on to the left, Blind is good backup but he's slow. All hope seems to be lost with Shaw. Should have gone for Mendy. They definitely need to bring someone in, though I don't know who. Lingard is terrible, barring his 2 screamers a year, one usually being at Wembley. Fans can't stand him. Twitter goes in to meltdown any time he's a starter on the team sheet, which is a lot. Another reason why they need a winger. He's quite good at the basics, but excels at absolutely nothing. Works hard but not particularly effective defending, as opposing players just barge through him. How is he starting over Martial? I think City will run away with it if they can get that CB. No idea the order of the rest of the pack.

Lindelof doesn't look very good. A defender coming out of the Portuguese league is usually where Mourinho always gets it right. What's this lad supposed to be good at? Got bullied by little Isco, looks a bit slow off the mark, and for a supposed ball playing defender, you'd have thought the ball was made of wasps in the way he avoided it. It's only preseason but he's looked poor every game so far. Nevermind. This is the year Phil Jones stays fit, right? Right? Hello?

Outcome of the aforementioned science: Wales 0-1 Netherlands, in the final of the Waffleoffs. Theyre not as good.

Sod that, I thought. Then I saw them in my local co-op. I've got a couple of packs. Y'know, for science. Comparison and whatnot. They're big 'uns too, to warm on the top of a mug. Cashback.

That new Arsenal left back looks enormous. As if he has eaten the previous Arsenal left back. And they got him for free. Doesn't look like he quite fits the Arsenal profile of weak but agile 5ft8 bottler.

I started out with a fairly sensible 6 bars. Then I panicked that it wasn't enough, so bought 8 more. I made the right decision.

I saw that you can get them from Tesco. I wasn't sure if they'd be as good. I'll probably give them a go. I did bring back 14 bars of Tonys though, and ate two whilst I was there.

I am aware, though I only brought home a bag of little ones. Regular biscuit sized, so it can't be done with those. They will fall in. They are still bitchin though. I have regret of not bringing home all the different types. Loads of them. One suitcase full. The brownies were totes overrated though.

https://twitter.com/RiversCuomo Rivers on Twitter is amazing. You'd think it was a Boring James Milner-esque parody account, but it's real.

Stroopwaffels. I now understand why all the young 'uns and staggers all go to Amsterdam in droves. It's definitely all for the stroopwaffels.

Fair point, but I still don't think him being the best player at PSG will dislodge Messi and Ronaldo as #1 and #2 in the world in the next few years. PSG would have to win the Champions League, and he'd have guide Brazil to victory in a Russia next year. Neither of those seem too likely. Barca and Madrid are still better sides.

Sure. Perhaps a quick "Are you using mailers or jiffy bags?" would do. I still have the e-mail of the best one! Here it is: "Please send ASAP to *address*. You should not use a jiffy bag, and you should send by following these steps: Step one. take the record out of the sleeve. dust off any of your fingerprints, dust or residue present before sending. Step two. place 12x12 card between sleeve and LP still inside paper sleeve (this stops the sleeve from bending around the shape of the vinyl) with additional card on outside of sleeve and outside of LP. Step three. place in mailer (here is an example of a record mailer - *link* please use this kind) in the assembled order from step two. Step four. send to me via special delivery. I expect you to send as above as I do not wish to use negative feedback. thanks" He didn't even pay for Special Delivery postage, the cheeky shite! Nah. Fuck that. You're getting it in a bin bag, after I've pissed on it.